Dainhla
"Lifetimes live to die"
- May 28, 2023
- 60
I've recently got to know a boy. We've been talking online for a while 'cause my parents are very strict and I barely hang out, so their allowance to let me hang out with him (just to talk about life) is very improbable to get.
Somehow I felt from the start that this boy has been through a similar situation as I. We just keep talking online and we discovered that we are practically a copy of the other in the opposite sex. He has already told me that he want to talk to me face to face, so we can get to know better.
Yesterday the day was going alright. I was very happy, until I decided to accompany a friend to a store near where my parents would pick me up. I called my sister and forgot about calling my parents 'cause I knew she was with them at that moment. Somehow, my father interpreted my decision as an alibi to get to hang out with that boy. He has always been very jealous with my mother and it turns that with his daughters too. He became irrationally furious for something I didn't do.
The thing is that he started shouting things at me. Things that made me remember how awful, narcissist and horrible person I am. All those things that I achieved to leave apart from my mind for a couple of days. Suddenly, my sister entered a very worrying anxiety attack. She couldn't even walk properly. Her breathing was dangerously fast and my father just kept shouting that I created that situation. It was like he was blaming me for making him worry about my suicidal thoughts at that moment ('cause last year I attempted due to something similar, but much more heavier than this) and about the condition of my sister.
He finally left the house to calm himself down, leaving my sister under the care of my mother, who don't really get that my sister has mental health issues (as me, I suppose) due to all the shit that we've gone through during all our life.
Well, after my father left I vented to this boy. I really felt like he was the only one that I could vent to my true thoughts at that moment. He helped me to calm down, and then after talking about how our families were, I discovered that he was going through a very similar situation as me last year. My father being jealous became very agressive, 'til the point of hitting my mother and my sisters and I. And he was going through the same shit with the new boyfriend of his mother. And I wanted so badly to have him right next to me to tell him all my story, to have some one to trust. 'Cause my friends are not my friends, my family don't act always like my family and I, I have lost who I am.
So finally I felt relived in some way 'cause I found someone that could understand me. But today... Today I woke up feeling so damn hopeless. The contrary of what I felt last night. My suicidal thoughts have become stronger, a sudden sadness have hit me and I can't understand why.
Maybe am I not worthy of a healthy and stable life? Am I fated to always feel miserable? Why do I always do everything wrong?
Today I woke up wishing I never knew this boy. 'Cause if I kill myself the least person that I want to hurt it's him.
I know that this situation can seem very stupid. I know that it's stupid, but I don't if it's the situation what makes me feel low or it's just me and my weekly mental breakdowns.
If you've read this far, thank u for giving me a some of your attention.
Somehow I felt from the start that this boy has been through a similar situation as I. We just keep talking online and we discovered that we are practically a copy of the other in the opposite sex. He has already told me that he want to talk to me face to face, so we can get to know better.
Yesterday the day was going alright. I was very happy, until I decided to accompany a friend to a store near where my parents would pick me up. I called my sister and forgot about calling my parents 'cause I knew she was with them at that moment. Somehow, my father interpreted my decision as an alibi to get to hang out with that boy. He has always been very jealous with my mother and it turns that with his daughters too. He became irrationally furious for something I didn't do.
The thing is that he started shouting things at me. Things that made me remember how awful, narcissist and horrible person I am. All those things that I achieved to leave apart from my mind for a couple of days. Suddenly, my sister entered a very worrying anxiety attack. She couldn't even walk properly. Her breathing was dangerously fast and my father just kept shouting that I created that situation. It was like he was blaming me for making him worry about my suicidal thoughts at that moment ('cause last year I attempted due to something similar, but much more heavier than this) and about the condition of my sister.
He finally left the house to calm himself down, leaving my sister under the care of my mother, who don't really get that my sister has mental health issues (as me, I suppose) due to all the shit that we've gone through during all our life.
Well, after my father left I vented to this boy. I really felt like he was the only one that I could vent to my true thoughts at that moment. He helped me to calm down, and then after talking about how our families were, I discovered that he was going through a very similar situation as me last year. My father being jealous became very agressive, 'til the point of hitting my mother and my sisters and I. And he was going through the same shit with the new boyfriend of his mother. And I wanted so badly to have him right next to me to tell him all my story, to have some one to trust. 'Cause my friends are not my friends, my family don't act always like my family and I, I have lost who I am.
So finally I felt relived in some way 'cause I found someone that could understand me. But today... Today I woke up feeling so damn hopeless. The contrary of what I felt last night. My suicidal thoughts have become stronger, a sudden sadness have hit me and I can't understand why.
Maybe am I not worthy of a healthy and stable life? Am I fated to always feel miserable? Why do I always do everything wrong?
Today I woke up wishing I never knew this boy. 'Cause if I kill myself the least person that I want to hurt it's him.
I know that this situation can seem very stupid. I know that it's stupid, but I don't if it's the situation what makes me feel low or it's just me and my weekly mental breakdowns.
If you've read this far, thank u for giving me a some of your attention.
