Anyone feel like everything is a distraction from the fact that you will be forced to kill yourself?

[whatevs]

I have a chronic illness that makes life very small, very slow, quite uncomfortable. It insidiously, drop by drop, makes every day count, but to make me feel less connected to life and more out of place. Not illuminated, just out of place. There's an important difference, of course.

As the years go by these days of misery aggregate in clusters of hopelessness, and despite having no plans and no means, I feel the walls closing in. If you aren't suicidal, but you have nothing to look forward to, what are you? You're someone that will end tragically. Osamu Dazai wrote about this, an intimate knowledge of having all the cards stacked for a tragic ending. You feel it in your bones at some point. Quicksand, water, drowning.

I don't want to die but I'm not living. I'm stuck in a world of bullshitters with a crippling disease and a troubled personality.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

having all the cards stacked for a tragic ending

I have always been aware of a feeling of this nature, and I've always been obsessed with people who appeared to have met a tragic end. Coming so close to it becoming a reality for me, in the last 2 years, I've realized I'm not OK with it. I thought I was OK with it, but I'm definitely not! I want a 2nd chance

...maybe I'm now on my 3rd, or 23rd chance! Maybe I don't deserve any more!

 

[whatevs]

I have always been aware of a feeling of this nature, and I've always been obsessed with people who appeared to have met a tragic end. Coming so close to it becoming a reality for me, in the last 2 years, I've realized I'm not OK with it. I thought I was OK with it, but I'm definitely not! I want a 2nd chance

Hey did you watch the series "The Serpent" depicting that notorious serial killer and identity thief of some decades ago, with the surname Sobraj or similar? I enjoyed the mini series and knowing your tastes I just remembered it.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Hey did you watch the series "The Serpent" depicting that notorious serial killer and identity thief of some decades ago, with the surname Sobraj or similar? I enjoyed the mini series and knowing your tastes I just remembered it.

hmmm, "the Bikini Killer" - never read about this one - you've given me something to occupy myself with for a bit...

 

[September5th]

Both May and April were filler months. I'm just waiting for the time I'm finally gonna do it.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

hmmm, "the Bikini Killer" - never read about this one - you've given me something to occupy myself with for a bit...

Interesting - a true psychopath - others are just pawns to be used for personal gain - and causing the problems he would then help people with to make them indebted to him - that's a special kind of evil - I'm just going through the murders now - I can see how they made a whole series on him!

Do you find "Munchausen's syndrome by proxy" or 'Factitious disorder imposed on another' (as it is now called) interesting?

 

[whatevs]

Interesting - a true psychopath - others are just pawns to be used for personal gain - and causing the problems he would then help people with to make them indebted to him - that's a special kind of evil - I'm just going through the murders now - I can see how they made a whole series on him!

Do you find "Munchausen's syndrome by proxy" or 'Factitious disorder imposed on another' (as it is now called) interesting?

I just found the character interesting in the series. I think they did a superb job representing his narcissism. I'm narcissistic and the hidden contempt coming to the surface was on point. Of course, all psychopaths are narcissists bit not all narcissists are psychopaths.

Something hilarious about our society is that if you are a Dark Triad person that hasn't done good you are 'definitely scum', but the worst psychopaths and sexual predators are our politicians, financiers, culture creators. If you're evil but powerful the masses will be easily molded into a positive opinion of you, in part with the help of other psychopaths of the elite and in part just because nobody wants to believe the worst people are who decide how society is going to be.

I fell like I'm a low-level psychopath that can see how the popular and rich people are because I'm closer to their psychology that that of the normies, that are more agreeable and social. You can literally see painted on their faces that they live in a fantasy world where evil isn't in control, they are relaxed, carefree, they put their mask on and obeyed... It's a nice life but they are going to get fucked over nicely either way. You keep ignoring the rapist ramming a stick up your ass and you will eventually wake up shocked in a pool of blood. That's basically the relationship normal people have with "democracy".

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I, too, believe I've known where my life was heading. I'm not sure how self-fulfilling prophecy fits into this, what hand I played in it coming to fruition, when it does, or if I had any control over my destiny whatsoever. It doesn't seem like I have.

Yes, there are two paths and you can go back, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on.

I suppose there was a time when I used to believe this, but, I believe, eventually, that there comes a point when the road behind you has washed away. That is the point of no return.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Hey did you watch the series "The Serpent" depicting that notorious serial killer and identity thief of some decades ago, with the surname Sobraj or similar? I enjoyed the mini series and knowing your tastes I just remembered it.

The rights to a movie based on his life were sold for over US$15 million. In 2003, Sobhraj returned to Nepal, one of the few countries where he could still be arrested...

These kinds of people seek out chaos! He could've retired quietly and comfortably, but went back to where he would be arrested?!

not all narcissists are psychopaths

I can be narcissistic as fuck, but I sometimes freak out if I think I've hurt someone's feelings or harmed them psychologically in some way. As I understand it, I wouldn't care at all if I was a psychopath - I wouldn't have the ability to.

 

[Efilismislife]

For me not just illness but psychopath family.
theyre ruining my body, my life.
And they dont feel any remorse they act like theyre god saying religion given this fate

the biggest problem is i still cant come up with reliable method that peaceful and doable

I have a chronic illness that makes life very small, very slow, quite uncomfortable. It insidiously, drop by drop, makes every day count, but to make me feel less connected to life and more out of place. Not illuminated, just out of place. There's an important difference, of course.

As the years go by these days of misery aggregate in clusters of hopelessness, and despite having no plans and no means, I feel the walls closing in. If you aren't suicidal, but you have nothing to look forward to, what are you? You're someone that will end tragically. Osamu Dazai wrote about this, an intimate knowledge of having all the cards stacked for a tragic ending. You feel it in your bones at some point. Quicksand, water, drowning.

I don't want to die but I'm not living. I'm stuck in a world of bullshitters with a crippling disease and a troubled personality.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Everyday is just a filler day for me. I don't really feel happiness anymore, and none of my hobbies interest me.

 

[Efilismislife]

I can be narcissistic as fuck, but I sometimes freak out if I think I've hurt someone's feelings or harmed them psychologically in some way. As I understand it, I wouldn't care at all if I was a psychopath - I wouldn't have the ability to.

No psychopath or sociopath(i think) dont care. From what i know the main traits are lack of empathy &remorse, but egoistic, happy to see people suffer.
My family feel happy when they abused me. They manipulating gaslighting victim blaming using religion to play god(its your fate its gods plan for you your suffering is a grace) i fell for it and they did it again and again. When i realize its too late
They also torture animals.

 

[whatevs]

No psychopath or sociopath(i think) dont care. From what i know the main traits are lack of empathy &remorse, but egoistic, happy to see people suffer.
My family feel happy when they abused me. They manipulating gaslighting victim blaming using religion to play god(its your fate its gods plan for you your suffering is a grace) i fell for it and they did it again and again. When i realize its too late
They also torture animals.

Is everyone in your family like this?

 

[MisFortunate]

Yes, an ever-tightening circle. It tears me apart. I think fear of the future is in everyone's mind at some point and If you can't get a grip, it will drain all of your energy. I don't have an answer, all I can do is listen.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Absolutely.

To me, everyday is just a reaffirmation that this world is a hellish realm, and the people running the show are able to design our reality on a whim, to make it whatever the fuck they want it to be, with us at their mercy. Instead of people fighting back, they fight one another, and devolve further into sin and chaos.

And that's just the stuff on the macrocosmic level, not even speaking of my own little world of despair, isolation, and helplessness.

 

[whatevs]

Absolutely.

To me, everyday is just a reaffirmation that this world is a hellish realm, and the people running the show are able to design our reality on a whim, to make it whatever the fuck they want it to be, with us at their mercy. Instead of people fighting back, they fight one another, and devolve further into sin and chaos.

And that's just the stuff on the macrocosmic level, not even speaking of my own little world of despair, isolation, and helplessness.

Nailed it. This is almost exactly like I feel.

 

[FuneralCry]

All that life is, is just distracting ourselves until we die anyway. Existence itself is very pointless. I try to pass the time until I fall asleep and it is the same every day. It is all so depressing and more than anything I wish that it was easier to leave. I am tired of waking up to the same misery, not living, but just existing. In a way I have already died.

 

[Efilismislife]

Is everyone in your family like this?

Parents yes, n only 1 much bigger older sibling which tortured me, want me disabled, suffered&ruined.

other family like cousin, whatever , dont care as long as they have a comfortable life or just say they cant help cause "its up to your parents"

I dont have friends other than some people i know online

how nice this world is..

 

[Dot]

 

[MellowAvenue]

I used to feel like this and have kinda slowly been falling back down into it because right now I'm stuck in what quite literally feels like a limbo. If you're just living to work or just because you aren't dead yet, have no hope for yourself, constantly feel inadequate, and have no aspirations that's not living, that's struggling to survive or just waiting for death.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

the worst people are who decide how society is going to be

I can't figure out who the worst people are any more. It's all become so blurred. Before figuring this out, we have to decide what the purpose of society is, and I just don't have a clue any more.

I'm closer to their psychology that that of the normies, that are more agreeable and social. You can literally see painted on their faces that they live in a fantasy world

I think we spoke before about antisocial tendencies - I think we both said we have always found it easy to be antisocial - I think some people are afraid to go against the grain and stand out like a lone zebra, but this has never made me uncomfortable - I actually feel more comfortable when I stand out, or at least when I know I haven't been duped into following a beaten path - the best way to describe my possibly sociopathic side, is that I feel like I deserve a reward for managing to resist against the urge to blend in and follow a beaten path, or follow an unworthy Shepard like the sheep do, or the herd of zebras that need to stick together in order to not stand out alone - I feel I deserve a reward for this, that a lot of others don't deserve - I certainly don't deserve the highest reward, but I deserve something more than most, because life is hard on the fringes of society, and most people can't cope on the fringes - they get jobs they hate just to feel part of it all, and try to get near the middle of the herd, so they don't get picked off by lions!

Maybe I'm just narcissistic.

 

[whatevs]

All that life is, is just distracting ourselves until we die anyway. Existence itself is very pointless. I try to pass the time until I fall asleep and it is the same every day. It is all so depressing and more than anything I wish that it was easier to leave. I am tired of waking up to the same misery, not living, but just existing. In a way I have already died.

Hey FuneralCry, we agree on not enjoying life. I just used to (more than now, it was never amazing, I was always struggling). But we are now on the same boat, sailing through a sea of liquid shit.

I don't think existence is pointless or that this reality was spawned out of nothing/chaos, but I can't really say specifically why, just that I've had paranormal experiences that proved to me there's more to reality than what is socially acceptable to talk about.

My paranormal experiences, while fascinating and illuminating to an extent regarding the nature of reality (as in not just matter that became alive by chance), are not enough to fill the void that a successful existence would bring me, unfortunately. Having no energy and headaches every day is very miserable.

 

[Efilismislife]

Isnt that just being an individualist independent anti mainstream open minded critical thinker though?
isnt sociopath more to do with dragging people down for self pleasure..

best way to describe my possibly sociopathic side, is that I feel like I deserve a reward for managing to resist against the urge to blend in and follow a beaten path, or follow an unworthy Shepard like the sheep do, or the herd of zebras that need to stick together in order to not stand out alone - I feel I deserve a reward for this, that a lot of others don't deserve - I certainly don't deserve the highest reward, but I deserve something more than most, because life is hard on the fringes of society, and most people can't cope on the fringes - they get jobs they hate just to feel part of it all, and try to get near the middle of the herd, so they don't get picked off by lions!

Maybe I'm just narcissistic.

 

[whatevs]

Isnt that just being an individualist independent anti mainstream open minded critical thinker though?
isnt sociopath more to do with dragging people down for self pleasure..

I think these two things are related. I used to be into conspiracy theorist communities and the narcissism was off the charts. Even the Controlled Narrative Wikipedia has in the first paragraphs of the Dark Triad article that if you score higher on the dark triad you will be less likely to think other people are good or trust them.

The System has also produced hit pieces for the 'conspiracy theorists' and 'antivaxxers' where they 'prove' that the first group scores higher on machiavellianism than average, and the second on sociopathy.

Basically the conspiracy that grips our world relies on the gregarious and trusting nature of the masses, which need for their sanity to trust doctors, policeman or college professors.

Criminals, perverts, losers, some of the mentally ill are more apt to appraise what's really going on than those that are well adjusted to society, since they are tuned in to the darkness that the elite embrace, that darkness that the well-to-do normies work to keep at the back of their heads or confined to entertainment and fiction.

 

[narudo]

Yes.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Isnt that just being an individualist independent anti mainstream open minded critical thinker though?
isnt sociopath more to do with dragging people down for self pleasure..

Probably - I do get a certain amount of pleasure from seeing people make a clown of themselves by trying to fit in - I also find it sad though, so it's probably not sociopathy.

I don't even think it's fear of being 'picked off by the lions' - I think it's fear of loneliness, fear of not having a decent romantic partner, fear of rejection from the group - and I fear none of these things. If you look at quite a lot of the suicidal people on here, it's fear of these things that is torturing them. I have no desire for a 'normal' life, so these things don't bother me.

Nailed it. This is almost exactly like I feel.

I mostly agree with this, but I also believe that you can escape the hellish realm, and 'they' won't mind if you do, as long as you're not upsetting things too much. You can create your own little slice of heaven, amongst the hell, if you want, and you dare to be brave enough, and go against the grain.

But yes, firstly you have to accept all the horrible truths you listed, about doctor's etc, and criminals, and people's true intention when becoming members of parliament, or even a higher up nurse on a ward, it's rarely about helping others, people are rarely as trustworthy as we like to think, and the system doesn't work as we like to imagine it does. Then you can use this knowledge to create a little slice of heaven, for yourself.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Looks like you're in a waiting room for an appointment that never comes

 

[PrincessInWhite]

I have a chronic illness that makes life very small, very slow, quite uncomfortable. It insidiously, drop by drop, makes every day count, but to make me feel less connected to life and more out of place. Not illuminated, just out of place. There's an important difference, of course.

As the years go by these days of misery aggregate in clusters of hopelessness, and despite having no plans and no means, I feel the walls closing in. If you aren't suicidal, but you have nothing to look forward to, what are you? You're someone that will end tragically. Osamu Dazai wrote about this, an intimate knowledge of having all the cards stacked for a tragic ending. You feel it in your bones at some point. Quicksand, water, drowning.

I don't want to die but I'm not living. I'm stuck in a world of bullshitters with a crippling disease and a troubled personality.

I could have literally written this. I'm sending so much love to you <3

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

For me not just illness but psychopath family.
theyre ruining my body, my life.
And they dont feel any remorse they act like theyre god saying religion given this fate

the biggest problem is i still cant come up with reliable method that peaceful and doable

Same with me. My narcissistic sociopathic family have made sure that the only way out for me is suicide.

 

[its-about-time]

Every day this spring so far: 1. wake up 2. spend an hour or two wondering if today is the day I'll finally kill myself 3. aggressively busy myself with random, pointless, mundane tasks in my house and yard as to not think about anything 3. run out of energy around sundown 4. spend an hour or two wondering if I should kill myself instead of going to bed 5. fall asleep.

Distraction is effective, but day after day after day after day… starts to lose it's draw.