Anyone else's passed mistakes makes them more suicidal?

[BillyBob]

Each day that goes by without me CTB is a mistake. Sure there maybe a few up times, but the negative out way the postive by a large margin.

 

[Exact Change]

Yes. Sometimes I think that I haven't made a single good decision my entire life. I regret being a poor husband and father and just being around them is a constant reminder if how I have fucked up. I have guilt and regret 24/7.

 

[SamTam33]

At least once a day, I get the urge to call the people I've hurt and try to explain why I said what I said. Particularly with mistakes I've made over the last year.

I want to explain the kind of turmoil I feel on a daily basis. How frightened I am.

Then I SMH and laugh because there's no chance in hell they'd try to understand.

I'm the sort of person where people can't wait for me to make mistakes so they can write me off. Sometimes for the most benign shit.

Time and time again, if I'm not perfect or if I'm having a bad week - too bad. I don't get very many second chances.

It's exhausting trying to make sure I'm not too blunt. Don't laugh too loud at the wrong joke. Show an adequate amount of interest about a certain topic. Afraid that I'm going to inadvertently piss someone off.

Then when I try to isolate myself to remove any chance of screwing up, THAT pisses them off too.

To answer the question: absolutely.

 

[achromatic]

I feel like the longer I live the worse person I am becoming. I regret all outbursts and complains that someone I love had to witness. Sure I am bitter and full of regret, but I wish I could be nicer to others in my last days. Maybe that wish is another way of being selfish, maybe deep down I wish they'd think of my kindly.
I wish I were a better person, but at least my suicide will be more similar to removing a tumor to my family. Trash took itself out. Hell, maybe I am lying even now to try to erease the guilt from pain my passing will cause them ? Who knows, haha

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

I'm sort of going through what you're going through.. A smaller degree - the partner in question was with me for 4 years. It hurts like shit. Fuck fuck fuck it hurts.

But the only healthy solace I have is that I won't be in this pain forever. Regardless of when I decide to die, I know there'll be a time where the gash on my heart coagulates, and.. It won't hurt anymore.

The difficult part, is getting up everyday. It feels surreal to think "They're really gone". And, it's.. Awful to abandon your dreams with them. But it's much better this way, even though it definitely feels like it isn't.

If you're like me, then all of these positive tidbits aren't really helping. They aren't quenching the pain right now. I don't know how.. To do that. Distracting myself doesn't help. I usually try to acknowledge my pain - grab it by the shoulders and bore my eyes into it - but that hurts as well. There's no avoiding it.

This was supposed to be helpful. I think I just depressed you. I'm sorry.. I know at least a fraction of what you feel. And I'm so sorry, my friend. I would never wish this pain upon anyone.

I'm sorry you're going through this as well. How long as it been? I think just talking about it and having someone to talk about it really helps so thank you for replying. You didn't depress me, it nice to know I'm not crazy or alone in how I feel.

I agree! I find laying into my pain and feeling it really helps rather than running away. Which is what everyone told me to do (drink, smoke, drugs, get with someone else) but thats just coping not healing what is actually going on. My heart wants what it wants and needs time to genuinely heal. It honestly has become easier then the 1st day. I might not eat but I only cry a couple minutes and throughout the day instead of constantly through everyday and I've even had a couple I didn't cry at all.

Our entire "split" if that is what you would call it was so drawn out and not a clear line it oddly faded out? I believe we still loved each other so much, because if he didnt why would he spend 8 more years talking to me and only me everyday even if he didn't ask to see me. Maybe he was afraid, I know I was. Too afriad to say anything until it was too late. Theres a (hopefully shrinking) part of me that thinks if we are both single again we'll try again. But who knows.

It is really difficulty pretending to be happy through the day. I just go to work and rush through my day so I can go curl up in bed sometimes with some hot tea and read a book to escape for a minute. I have been reading "the power of now" it is some self help Cheesey bs. But the last 2 days I am able to escape into the now even if for a moment. If that might help you too? I'd love to hear about it if you need someone to talk to as well.

What hermitlonerguy said also helped me. Made me realize I need to stop punishing myself with this pain as if I messed up. Because we didn't. And it will be ok. And he's just a regular guy that I was very close with. I will still care for him but I need to forgive myself and take him off the pedestals. Sorry for rambling. i guess typing this all out just helps in general.

 

[Un-]

I'm sorry you're going through this as well. How long as it been? I think just talking about it and having someone to talk about it really helps so thank you for replying. You didn't depress me, it nice to know I'm not crazy or alone in how I feel.

Bloody last week heh. The wound is still fresh.

I agree! I find laying into my pain and feeling it really helps rather than running away. Which is what everyone told me to do (drink, smoke, drugs, get with someone else) but thats just coping not healing what is actually going on. My heart wants what it wants and needs time to genuinely heal. It honestly has become easier then the 1st day. I might not eat but I only cry a couple minutes and throughout the day instead of constantly through everyday and I've even had a couple I didn't cry at all.

We all go through loss differently. I'm similar to you: ignoring it has done nothing more than allow it to grow stronger. I say we should be proud of ourselves - we are healing. Crying less. Thinking about them less.. It's something special about humanity. We will always move on in time. Not necessarily forget the person, but... Yknow..

Our entire "split" if that is what you would call it was so drawn out and not a clear line it oddly faded out? I believe we still loved each other so much, because if he didnt why would he spend 8 more years talking to me and only me everyday even if he didn't ask to see me. Maybe he was afraid, I know I was. Too afriad to say anything until it was too late. Theres a (hopefully shrinking) part of me that thinks if we are both single again we'll try again. But who knows.

I don't know the full context, but in my situation.. I have to move on. You can't keep hurting one another severely, then fixing, and over and over.. Even if she still loves me, it's time we both let go.

It is really difficulty pretending to be happy through the day. I just go to work and rush through my day so I can go curl up in bed sometimes with some hot tea and read a book to escape for a minute. I have been reading "the power of now" it is some self help Cheesey bs. But the last 2 days I am able to escape into the now even if for a moment. If that might help you too? I'd love to hear about it if you need someone to talk to as well.

I'll send you a message, soon.
But yes. I can't describe it.. It's.. A disconnection. You go to work but your heart remains in bed. So you just want to get through the day quicky.. Avoid conversation - and especially avoid people that are couples. But when you are home, you quicky realise your heart is still with THEM. And it hurts.. Bedrooms can become so lonely..

Sorry for rambling. i guess typing this all out just helps in general.

This is YOUR thread heh. If anything, it's great that this has helped you.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Past mistakes and others fucking me over.

 

[pauly1963]

The vast majority of my past mistakes are through being involved with the wrong people. Namely false friends, and my cheating, now ex wife who had a 4 year affair with my so-called best friend. Also putting up with my abusive parents, Stepfather was a paedophile and Mother was some kind of narcissistic cunt who ignored his behaviour towards my Sister. I only found out that He abused Her after He died. My Sister never told me what He had done until after His death, because She knew that I would have probably killed Him, despite the fact that I am a non- violent person. Mother knew what He had done but never told Me anything. What a cunt.
If it wasn't for other people, my life could have been much better. I am now a complete loner and despise humanity, society, and the whole fucking freakshow. The only people I communicate with are people on this forum. The so-called normal people can go fuck themselves.

 

[pauly1963]

Each day that goes by without me CTB is a mistake. Sure there maybe a few up times, but the negative out way the postive by a large margin.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I spend every minute of every day regretting every mistake I've made going back to childhood… Most of my mistakes were manifestations of childhood neglect one way or another so not exactly my fault but still… too late … hit reset …

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

others fucking me over.

Same here. family fucked me and my parents over.

 

[Eucalyptus72]

I can very much relate to much of what people have shared here. Decisions made on emotional-level, maybe hypomanic terms. Relationships and putting myself in a bad place because of early years of broken attachment. I want out so badly now. I just posted a fresh thread on this too. Hoping for something, idk what. CBT can't come right now because no proper AE and a live interest still giving me a chance despite my horrible unforced error(s).