Discussion Anyone else wishing to CTB but feeling guilty for how their partner will react?

[25jiyuki]

Just feels horrible.

Right now, I'm fighting myself on if I even should CTB because of my girlfriend. I had accepted that I'll die anyway in the past, but the more I think about it recently, the worse I feel. We've discussed this recently when I admitted to wanting to attempt. She was, reasonably, upset. I promised I wouldn't go through with it.. but in reality I know it's very possible I will. I don't really know what to do. Everything in my life I've lost except her, I'm long past my breaking point. She's really the only thing that's kept me alive this long. Yet I still know I'll find the most peace in death.

Is anyone else feeling some kind of guilt?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

It breaks my heart to read posts like this. I imagine it is what was going through my partner's mind before he made the decision to CTB.

Ultimately I cannot make the choice for you, but please be kind to yourself. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always online!

 

[tiredash]

i dont have a gf and nobody will ever love me. so no, im not conflicted by that

 

[strawberrydiequiri]

Just feels horrible.

Right now, I'm fighting myself on if I even should CTB because of my girlfriend. I had accepted that I'll die anyway in the past, but the more I think about it recently, the worse I feel. We've discussed this recently when I admitted to wanting to attempt. She was, reasonably, upset. I promised I wouldn't go through with it.. but in reality I know it's very possible I will. I don't really know what to do. Everything in my life I've lost except her, I'm long past my breaking point. She's really the only thing that's kept me alive this long. Yet I still know I'll find the most peace in death.

Is anyone else feeling some kind of guilt?

It is truly a horrible feeling, the guilt of knowing you'll be hurting your partner and not being there to console them. You probably feel guilty for having those thoughts and might repress sharing it also out of guilt and to not upset them.

I'm glad you've opened up to her about it though. I'm in the same boat, I think I'm being cruel even. I'm getting married next year, having a whole wedding and everything. I want to have the experience, and that's really selfish of me. The guilt of knowing that I'll do it even if life is seemingly going fairly well, that alone makes me sad.

I feel like I'm wasting their time. At the same time, I want to try to enjoy life if I can. Receiving love is nice, but at the same time I become detached. It's like a cloud that is always there no matter how good I have it. Is this a similar feeling you have?

 

[NonEssential]

i dont have a gf and nobody will ever love me. so no, im not conflicted by that

this if we're talking about partners.

Regarding family, I'll have to either use them as motivation to keep going or convince myself to disregard that feeling of empathy.

 

[25jiyuki]

It is truly a horrible feeling, the guilt of knowing you'll be hurting your partner and not being there to console them. You probably feel guilty for having those thoughts and might repress sharing it also out of guilt and to not upset them.

I'm glad you've opened up to her about it though. I'm in the same boat, I think I'm being cruel even. I'm getting married next year, having a whole wedding and everything. I want to have the experience, and that's really selfish of me. The guilt of knowing that I'll do it even if life is seemingly going fairly well, that alone makes me sad.

I feel like I'm wasting their time. At the same time, I want to try to enjoy life if I can. Receiving love is nice, but at the same time I become detached. It's like a cloud that is always there no matter how good I have it. Is this a similar feeling you have?

Yes, I've felt the same. I also feel like I'm being selfish, but like you, I want to enjoy what I have right now. It's an endless mental battle.. And I often repress these thoughts.

I do hope your wedding goes well.

 

[sadalways]

Partner? Nope, nobody would love me that much to the point they'd be sad if i was gone. Even if i did find someone by some miracle, i'd most likely be easy to replace considering how boring i am even to myself.

Family though? It makes me sad whenever i think about it.