I have no energy at all to get through the days or get out of bed and I'm tired of wasting space on this earth
and being a huge fucking burden to everyone around me... yet i'm just too tired to work up a plan to ctb.
Is that even possible? Or does it make any sense?
Yup, it makes sense to me.
Too Tired to CTB:
It's a full project but more difficult than a normal school or work project because
- outside of these forums, i feel like I'm on my own to do this. and no one can make the ultimate decision for me.
- outside of these forums, all the prep work has to be hidden, like it's a secret mission. no one IRL can find out what you're doing. not family, not friends, not co-workers, not therapists, not gooog, not ebey, not customs, not the delivery driver.
- the decision includes emotions and everything & everyone that led up to this point. it can be a difficult decision for anyone to go forward in pulling the plug, even with all the info in front of you.
you have to learn how to overcome survival instinct. no TED talk on GetMotivated on that one.
- it's scary if you do it wrong; easier to turn off brain and sleep.
- the goal achieved may be only the second best outcome. For me death is freedom, but I wish I could be free from an imploding mind, bad people, and limiting circumstances by being able to enjoy life rather than the most feasible solution being to eliminate life. :(
The amount of effort to peacefully CTB is daunting, my mind becomes overwhelmed, shuts down and back to bed.
Too Tired to Live:
I've experienced enough of life that I'm exhausted.
- for others, people can be supportive and inspiring. For me, they're discouraging, sometimes hurtful. I just try to cope, endure. It's draining. I dread dealing with certain people because of how dismissive they are of me and how much I have to defend my own choices for my own life: whether I want to buy a car, who I want to marry, whether I want to eat a certain food. Or what happened in my life when they don't have a clue everything that's gone on. And sometimes it's draining to socialize when you don't feel connected with people around you; it doesn't matter how many meetups you go to. There's only so many times I can re-energize before my battery doesn't work anymore.
- It doesn't seem like life works right no matter what I do. Logic doesn't always prevail. Something can not be my fault, but I end up paying for it. Even when I'm right, I can be told I'm wrong with no appeals process. How does one succeed in that type of world?
- Staying out of a bad financial situation seems to never end.
Well, that was discouraging. I'm going back to bed. :)
But seriously, it makes total sense to be too tired to do anything because either path may not be something you can build upon. *hugs*
