my mom gets mad at me when i have breakdowns or tell her i wanna die and says "let's go take pills together" or says "here's ur pills" because she keeps them locked up so i can't get to them and overdose.
I wonder if she has/had similar struggles. Our tendency towards breakdowns is often a trait inherited by our parents. If they don't show it as much, it's usually due to them having more time to learn how to better cope.
My mother is bipolar, and when I was younger she'd say things like "I wish you were never born." And "I regret having you." But it was always when she herself was having a breakdown. She was an addict. Her breakdowns were bad, and often lead to me being severly beaten as a child. One time during a particularly bad trip, she thought she saw a devil on my shoulder, and the only way to save me was to kill me. She broke a mirror with her bare hands and grabbed a shard of glass so tightly, it tore into her hand. Blood dripped to the floor as she approached me, apologizing and crying, saying that she needed to kill me, or I was damned.
Watching her, and others around me, taught me to better manage my own struggles. I still have them. I'm deeply depressive. But I'm at peace with that, it's in my nature. In time, she got better. She's been sober for a decade, rarely has breakdowns. I've always known she loves me, it's just sometimes in the spur of the moment, our minds can crack and we can become something we're not. I've certainly had my own struggles with breakdowns. Makes me wonder if perhaps she's frustrated with seeing you go through the struggles she used to, or her own mother used to.
One of my classmates in 6th grade told me "do it, you want to anyways." That stuck with me. And one of my former friends told me to die. She also made fun of my attempt to the people who were making fun of me so fuck her.
A knife in the back from an enemy is expected. We pull it out and move on. A knife in the back from a friend, though? That sticks with us. Some things, you just don't move on from.
she said why don't I slice downward I was like bish you right lmao 
