Anyone else that doesn't WANT to die?

[ethereal_hobo]

I don't want to die at all. I want to live. But I want to live a good life with a nice job, nice friends, fun times and that's just not on the cards for me any more. Since prison my prospects are really bleak. Haven't been able to get a job in over a year with no sign things will change. All my friends left me as soon as I was arrested. I have nothing and no one. I have completely ruined my life. Everyone says "people turn their lives around after prison" and that's true but I don't want to live life as an ex-con. Carrying the guilt and shame with me wherever I go. The life I can rebuild to isn't the life I want in fact it's a life of agony and misery. I wish my life hadn't come to this. I wish there was a life left for me to live.

Some countries (like Portugal apparently) have much more enlightened policies around, say, those who go to prison for drug-related offences, including stealing to get their fix, I assume. After they serve their time they get a lot of help to find a job and even pay half their wages for the first year or something.

In my case I don't have a criminal record, but I realised recently that I've messed my life up in some ways out of a fear of getting a criminal record, or similar "disgrace" such as being caught cheating or whatever. I had a lousy employer once who was always trying to control me by implying that he would fire me, which just demotivated me. Then one day he threated legal action against me (more if I made the same mistake again rather than for the mistake I already made, I think). The funny thing was that that mistake was arguably more the fault of a more "model" employee who was "helping" me. It's possible she was sabotaging me for whatever reason, or she just made a mistake.

Anyway, the threat of legal action made me panic and quit the next day lol. I even moved out of that city partly for that reason. So recently I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been so worried about getting into legal trouble, at least not to that kind of extent. On the other hand obviously there are many downsides to getting into such trouble, but I overcorrected for it I think. Also at times I've avoided doing the "proper", legal thing out of a lack of trust in government types.

 

[persepexa]

Some countries (like Portugal apparently) have much more enlightened policies around, say, those who go to prison for drug-related offences, including stealing to get their fix, I assume. After they serve their time they get a lot of help to find a job and even pay half their wages for the first year or something.

In my case I don't have a criminal record, but I realised recently that I've messed my life up in some ways out of a fear of getting a criminal record, or similar "disgrace" such as being caught cheating or whatever. I had a lousy employer once who was always trying to control me by implying that he would fire me, which just demotivated me. Then one day he threated legal action against me (more if I made the same mistake again rather than for the mistake I already made, I think). The funny thing was that that mistake was arguably more the fault of a more "model" employee who was "helping" me. It's possible she was sabotaging me for whatever reason, or she just made a mistake.

Anyway, the threat of legal action made me panic and quit the next day lol. I even moved out of that city partly for that reason. So recently I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been so worried about getting into legal trouble, at least not to that kind of extent. On the other hand obviously there are many downsides to getting into such trouble, but I overcorrected for it I think. Also at times I've avoided doing the "proper", legal thing out of a lack of trust in government types.

Tbh I'm not bothered too much about the support. I've actually had a lot of support since getting out including with employment but they're not miracle workers. My CV is terrible for any job other than the job I used to have which requires a clean criminal record check.

I'm gonna CTB (in the next few days actually, all going well) because of the shame I feel personally. It's not about what society thinks of me, it's what I think of myself. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be someone who has this past. I don't want to be someone who has done what I've done. I just want to be a normal person, with a normal past, a normal history. But when I had that I didn't care about it and threw it away like it was nothing. I just want to disappear. I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I want that person to die.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

Tbh I'm not bothered too much about the support. I've actually had a lot of support since getting out including with employment but they're not miracle workers. My CV is terrible for any job other than the job I used to have which requires a clean criminal record check.

I'm gonna CTB (in the next few days actually, all going well) because of the shame I feel personally. It's not about what society thinks of me, it's what I think of myself. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be someone who has this past. I don't want to be someone who has done what I've done. I just want to be a normal person, with a normal past, a normal history. But when I had that I didn't care about it and threw it away like it was nothing. I just want to disappear. I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I want that person to die.

I didn't explain it very well, nor am I a huge expert in the Portuguese policy. I think they help people get the job they want, rather than any old job, but I guess there may be limits in some cases. Fine if someone wants to work at a mechanic's or something, but certain jobs may be unlikely.

I also have a terrible CV, except for one or two possibilities, but my mental health issues make me a bit of a ridiculous candidate for long-term work in those areas. Physically I'm not too bad, but even there I've had chronic pain and stuff from doing such work in the past, which could easily come back I think. Some kind of entrepreneurship or self-employed situation may be my only real hope, if I could learn to apply myself consistently enough etc.

Sorry to hear of your suffering.

 

[persepexa]

I didn't explain it very well, nor am I a huge expert in the Portuguese policy. I think they help people get the job they want, rather than any old job, but I guess there may be limits in some cases. Fine if someone wants to work at a mechanic's or something, but certain jobs may be unlikely.

I also have a terrible CV, except for one or two possibilities, but my mental health issues make me a bit of a ridiculous candidate for long-term work in those areas. Physically I'm not too bad, but even there I've had chronic pain and stuff from doing such work in the past, which could easily come back I think. Some kind of entrepreneurship or self-employed situation may be my only real hope, if I could learn to apply myself consistently enough etc.

Sorry to hear of your suffering.

You see my old job required a perfectly clean criminal record. In my old profession people get barred for a lot less even if they haven't been arrested. Some jobs you can't do if you "bring the profession into disrepute". It's not very common but a few professions have this as well. The people who tried to help me find work also wanted me to have the job I wanted rather than any old job and they had some really good ideas. Unfortunately I wasn't even considered for the roles I applied for.

But again that's just one small part of it. I just simply hate myself for what I've done. I don't want to continue living as this person. I know I could change but I feel like some things you just can't come back from. My probation officer was talking to me the other day about what would stop me doing this again. I said it's been years, surely I've earned a bit of trust by now? She said "well if you did it once you could do it again". That's the type of person I've become. I feel sick just thinking about it.

 

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[ethereal_hobo]

You see my old job required a perfectly clean criminal record. In my old profession people get barred for a lot less even if they haven't been arrested. Some jobs you can't do if you "bring the profession into disrepute". It's not very common but a few professions have this as well. The people who tried to help me find work also wanted me to have the job I wanted rather than any old job and they had some really good ideas. Unfortunately I wasn't even considered for the roles I applied for.

But again that's just one small part of it. I just simply hate myself for what I've done. I don't want to continue living as this person. I know I could change but I feel like some things you just can't come back from. My probation officer was talking to me the other day about what would stop me doing this again. I said it's been years, surely I've earned a bit of trust by now? She said "well if you did it once you could do it again". That's the type of person I've become. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Yeah. I know I keep going on about the Portuguese policy (which may have changed since I heard about, who knows), but again they pay half the person's wages for the first year, making it a good deal for the employer. Also the societal stigma around former prisoners reduced in Portugal and pretty much everyone appreciated the lower crime rate etc., few people wanted to go back to the old punitive system.

I don't agree with your probation officer. Sure, some people reoffend but others will be the last people to make the same mistake twice. I've been in toxic "friendship" groups (and other groups) and been a bit toxic myself as a result, but now I think I'm less likely to be toxic than the average person who hasn't had such terrible experiences from being in those groups.

 

[persepexa]

Yeah. I know I keep going on about the Portuguese policy (which may have changed since I heard about, who knows), but again they pay half the person's wages for the first year, making it a good deal for the employer. Also the societal stigma around former prisoners reduced in Portugal and pretty much everyone appreciated the lower crime rate etc., few people wanted to go back to the old punitive system.

I don't agree with your probation officer. Sure, some people reoffend but others will be the last people to make the same mistake twice. I've been in toxic "friendship" groups (and other groups) and been a bit toxic myself as a result, but now I think I'm less likely to be toxic than the average person who hasn't had such terrible experiences from being in those groups.

Yeah it sounds like a great system but I can't move outside the UK or I would be breaking the law. But thank you so much for the suggestion.

Honestly if I found work it wouldn't solve anything it would just give me something to do during the day. I already receive a lot of money from benefits so finance isn't an issue at the moment. My reasons for wanting to CTB are all internal. Even if everyone immediately accepted me and said it's fine, they don't care, I would still want to CTB.

There are no external factors that would need to change. I just don't want to be me anymore I don't want to live my life I don't want anything. My reasons to want to CTB are entirely selfish because they are solely about reducing my pain and discomfort and shame.