Anyone else that doesn't WANT to die?

[goldenwitch]

Despite my mental issues and despite the torture the world has inflicted on me time and time again, I am still very much aware of the kindness and good this Earth holds. Even if it's hard appreciating at certain points whenever we encounter evil, which for me is often. I love creating, I love doing things that are very specific to the human experience on Earth, that couldn't be replicated even if there was an afterlife. I am fond of my friend. I can live with hallucinations and trauma just fine.

But I still need to die and that is the most frustrating part. There is not a single possibility in which I do not kill myself soon. I am destined to die a painful and messy death and I am destined to do it before 20. There is absolutely no way around it. I wish there was but there simply isn't. It's just so.. frustrating. Your life is supposed to be the one thing you have agency to end any time. So why, why do I not have agency over my own actions? Even now..

Anyone else who doesn't want to die, yet has to?

 

[BGman89]

Why do you have to die?

 

[burymeinribbons]

i can sort of relate. i'm passively suicidal. i've had thoughts but never a concrete plan i guess. i've thought of methods but never been able to figure out the effectiveness.

plus i'm gonna be so real, i didn't wanna live to see 18 and here i am now, scrambling to get my life together. mostly bc ive been waiting to die in a way that wont disappoint the people i love.

at least you're able to see the bright side of it. take the good with the bad. nothing but love op.

 

[persepexa]

Despite my mental issues and despite the torture the world has inflicted on me time and time again, I am still very much aware of the kindness and good this Earth holds. Even if it's hard appreciating at certain points whenever we encounter evil, which for me is often. I love creating, I love doing things that are very specific to the human experience on Earth, that couldn't be replicated even if there was an afterlife. I am fond of my friend. I can live with hallucinations and trauma just fine.

But I still need to die and that is the most frustrating part. There is not a single possibility in which I do not kill myself soon. I am destined to die a painful and messy death and I am destined to do it before 20. There is absolutely no way around it. I wish there was but there simply isn't. It's just so.. frustrating. Your life is supposed to be the one thing you have agency to end any time. So why, why do I not have agency over my own actions? Even now..

Anyone else who doesn't want to die, yet has to?

I don't want to die at all. I want to live. But I want to live a good life with a nice job, nice friends, fun times and that's just not on the cards for me any more. Since prison my prospects are really bleak. Haven't been able to get a job in over a year with no sign things will change. All my friends left me as soon as I was arrested. I have nothing and no one. I have completely ruined my life. Everyone says "people turn their lives around after prison" and that's true but I don't want to live life as an ex-con. Carrying the guilt and shame with me wherever I go. The life I can rebuild to isn't the life I want in fact it's a life of agony and misery. I wish my life hadn't come to this. I wish there was a life left for me to live.

i can sort of relate. i'm passively suicidal. i've had thoughts but never a concrete plan i guess. i've thought of methods but never been able to figure out the effectiveness.

plus i'm gonna be so real, i didn't wanna live to see 18 and here i am now, scrambling to get my life together. mostly bc ive been waiting to die in a way that wont disappoint the people i love.

at least you're able to see the bright side of it. take the good with the bad. nothing but love op.

I just wanted to reply and say that I know you're trying to get your life together at 18 but nobody has their life together at that age. Everyone is figuring things out and making things up as they go so I'm sure you're not behind.

 

[cursedlife]

the main reason I want to die is because of poverty, even though I have severe mental illness (schizophrenia) I don't want to die because of it , living in third world country doesn't help either

 

[CGN83]

I don't technically want to die, It's more like I need to die to get away from everything bad in life.

When the bad outweighs the good, it just makes sense to let go.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Die or be dead (non existence) ?

Dying sucks let's be honest.

But I don't really care about being dead, and I'm not overly impressed by what life has to offer. I think at best, this sentient conscious living thing is underwhelming and overrated. At worst it's torture.

 

[thefarter]

omg me ! but unfortunately, i got doxxed, so uh yeah this is the only way! insane right. it sucks. but whateva. i think this is just the way it's meant to be

 

[madameviolette]

Why would you die a painful and messy death ??

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I would take $100 million and chill. But that's the whole reason to CTB: a bad anticipated future

 

[U. A.]

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[madameviolette]

[Hidden content]

I didn't get the last comment. I don't think anyone even here thinks suicide is the best thing

 

[U. A.]

I don't think anyone even here thinks suicide is the best thing

Consider the following.

 

[monetpompo]

Consider the following.

i was rooting around in my head for an example. u. a. always provides

 

[madameviolette]

Consider the following.

That seems to be the minority though. Many like OP want to live but feel they have no other choice than suicide. People like those in your post only seem to fantasize about suicide being the greatest thing. They have been on this site for years and have never suicided so I would not take them seriously tbh

 

[NonEssential]

I don't really know how to live like an actual adult and to ctb seems to be the least blurry option if that makes any sense.

 

[itsgone2]

Ideally I would have made better choices and I wouldn't be in this spot. I'd give anything to try again. Suicide is just better than living out the rest of this horrible life.

 

[kuroshimi]

I always had some kind of death wish, but actual intentions to die have appeared relatively recently, maybe because I have lost all faith in the future and don't want to deal with wounds from traumatic experiences in the past.

But I think I would already be dead if I really wanted to go for it. Something is holding me back. And I really don't have to die, but I think it's still inevitable.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Without an explanation, it's hard to understand why you "have to die" and why it's destined to be painful & messy & why it has to happen before you turn 20.