Venting Anyone else struggling with the secrecy of your CTB plan.

[Sideways Glance]

I keep learning more things and maybe it's sick… maybe it's not… but I keep being tempted to talk about it out loud. "Oh you've gotta make sure you've got Sodium Nitrite, not Nitrate or else that's a totally different can of worms." "There's some debate in the community about whether or not PPE or Stans guide is more reliable" "there's a helpful weight chart going around" There's just a whole world with y'all on here that only exists here and it's fantastic, but so odd to me to not discuss it out loud with someone because no one can know about this.

 

[Yuki K]

No, I do not generally struggle with keeping the secrecy of my ctb plan. Probably because I don't talk to quite a lot of people. I talk to people because of a definite purpose, as soon as the purpose is fulfilled, I go back to doing my thing. But once my failed suicide attempt had left behind several cut marks on my wrist and arm. Upon seeing that some of the guys asked if I was committing suicide (in a joking-kinda way like guys always do) I was scared af, but told them that I was climbing a tree, the tree branches had thorns and cut me. But the girls were genuinely concerned and kept asking me if I was self-harming, and I put down that thought of them. That was the scariest moment of my life

 

[Sulyya]

Saying the things in those example would probably startle someone as they aren't something that would be expected in everyday conversation at all.
As far as telling people, the common fear is that if people find out then you might get involuntarily committed, because people don't know what to do - happened to me. That can be okay, or bad, very bad, or maybe good (dunno). The temptation to reveal it at all makes some sense, people use connections to get through life. Depends on the person, and not even necessarily just how close you are but on what they know about the topic and how they should best try to understand.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that people should be able to discuss suicide openly without all of the stigma associated with it, but sadly we don't exist in a world where our right to die is respected. I view it as being a terrible idea to be open about suicide plans as there are so many in this world who refuse to accept suicide as being a rational option, and instead they just shame and dismiss the feelings of suicidal people.
It's very much understandable wanting to be open about this but I certainly believe that it would risk making the situation worse. The reality is that those who wish to voluntarily exit have to go through the process alone.

 

[missingpeace]

I've made a few friends on here, so talk about it openly with them. But in person I only have family in direct contact with me and of course I won't mention it to them. It's mostly having to secretly plan everything to get my alone time. Plus booking hotels etc..

 

[TapeMachine]

Ha, I definitely relate. :) I looooove telling my bf about all of the random, new things that I learn (info-dumping) in general. I hate having to keep secrets (my own secrets) too.

But oh well, I just keep it to myself or here in the forum, this way I don't threaten my ability to execute my ctb plans in the future.

 

[UnterNull]

I understand this 100%; CTB methods (and the surrounding laws & ethics) are one of the few topics I think I'm both interested in and genuinely knowledgeable about, and it's hard not to overshare, if not just for the sake of conversation. Unfortunately, even when presented impersonally, it's an uncomfortable topic for most and simply having that much knowledge can lead to people drawing conclusions, so I keep it to myself as much as possible (from others' perspective I just have an odd interest in food preservatives lol).

Love your avatar btw!

 

[ThisIsLife]

The last thing someone serious about CTB wants is people who know about it.

I haven't talked about it to anyone to avoid the danger of people who would want to "save" me (no matter how or when).

 

[Sideways Glance]

I understand this 100%; CTB methods (and the surrounding laws & ethics) are one of the few topics I think I'm both interested in and genuinely knowledgeable about, and it's hard not to overshare, if not just for the sake of conversation. Unfortunately, even when presented impersonally, it's an uncomfortable topic for most and simply having that much knowledge can lead to people drawing conclusions, so I keep it to myself as much as possible (from others' perspective I just have an odd interest in food preservatives lol).

Love your avatar btw!

Thanks! It was a commission I got last year!

 

[Disaster]

It isn't easy keeping it to myself, but unfortunately it's necessary. Not only because of the risk of unwanted intervention, but also because I value consent, and knowing about ctb plans puts a huge burden AND legal risk on a person who did not consent to that. It could be a huge relief to be able to discuss it openly, but only if it was accepted, and there's no way to guarantee that it would be accepted. In the current situation not discussing my plans/options openly is the best way of protecting people who are important to me. If I consider myself sane and responsible enough to make decision to end my life if I wish to, it's also my responsibility to not put other people into legal risk.

 

[Unending]

I've talked to people quite a lot about how strong my desires can be to leave this world. Sometimes I forget that speaking on my fantasies and future intentions are not the same as speaking on plans, not that I currently have any, but sometimes I do let things slip that I later decide I shouldn't have said.

Luckily the very few people in my life who I actually can have a conversation with are not the type to get me admitted since they've seen me come out of the hospital in a worse state than I went in multiple times. I'm not willing to test speaking about some thoughts though as that could be pushing it.

 

[borderline-feline]

To an extent, I can't even talk about my suicidal ideation with anyone other than my psychiatrist. My favorite person is 100% out of the question, because that might push him to leave me. I also can't talk to his sister or any of our mutual friends, because they'll relay information to me if they think I'm a danger to myself. I don't trust most of the other people I know, so I only really have this place.

I wish I had a more concrete plan, but I don't have things sorted out since I'd have to get permission or get abandoned to have the right to end my life.

 

[tryagain]

It isn't easy keeping it to myself, but unfortunately it's necessary. Not only because of the risk of unwanted intervention, but also because I value consent, and knowing about ctb plans puts a huge burden AND legal risk on a person who did not consent to that. It could be a huge relief to be able to discuss it openly, but only if it was accepted, and there's no way to guarantee that it would be accepted. In the current situation not discussing my plans/options openly is the best way of protecting people who are important to me. If I consider myself sane and responsible enough to make decision to end my life if I wish to, it's also my responsibility to not put other people into legal risk.

Totally agree with you. Try not to involve anyone else who may have to answer questions from the law after I succeed.

 

[CyberCat95]

That's why I'm glad this site exists. Sometimes I would like someone to talk to about it but I know if I do irl then that person would try and talk me out of it, rather than listen and try to understand.

 

[tryagain]

Totally agree with you. Try not to involve anyone else who may have to answer questions from the law after I succeed.

Thank you for the hugs reaction

 

[Scacie]

For sure, I'm so glad I found this site, and finally know what to do