anyone else really tried to recover but life ended up the same or worse?

[Fragile]

i'm just so tired of trying, and i tried so hard to actually have some quality of life, not a great life, just one i could bear with.

tried exercise, being social, spending both money and time with my family and many other lifestyle changes, i even went voluntarily into a psychiatric hospital to see if that would help at all. but in the end, nothing worked and life just threw more shit at me. every time i had some minor success i was bound to experience something tragic or health kept getting worse and worse.

the worst part is that i'm still trying, but i just loose a bit of hope every time. it just feels pointless to keep trying.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I've tried like hell. Will ctb when my credit cards are maxed out.

 

[oopswronglife]

i'm just so tired of trying, and i tried so hard to actually have some quality of life, not a great life, just one i could bear with.

tried exercise, being social, spending both money and time with my family and many other lifestyle changes, i even went voluntarily into a psychiatric hospital to see if that would help at all. but in the end, nothing worked and life just threw more shit at me. every time i had some minor success i was bound to experience something tragic or health kept getting worse and worse.

the worst part is that i'm still trying, but i just loose a bit of hope every time. it just feels pointless to keep trying.

For sure. Every time it fails it takes a little more out of you. I remember a time I was trying to work again after lots of medical issues decimated my life. I had a conversation with a family member and said it was surprising how nice the family was being to me since they had been distant for a while and acting like I was somehow to blame for what was done to me. He said "People will help you if they see you are trying!". It really upset me because I had been trying all those years...but for some reason the fact those efforst were unsuccessful was seen as ME being wrong somehow. At the time I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start a fight...and when things collapsed again due to no fault of mine...they turned their backs for good. For a long time this was a source of great rage. But now I have finally let them go and learned that my energy should be spent on good people, empathetic people, kind people...and it was freeing in a way. I still haven't succeeded in saving my own life yet, and probably won't alone, but I no longer waste precious energy on those who don't care and won't be there....on the past that is immutable...we spend so much energy on whats done and what we fear will be....and none is left for NOW. I try to be more "in the now" now.

 

[cherub]

Yep. That's why I'm back.

 

[CFLoser]

Yup!

I think it's kind of normal though. Theres nothing rly wrong with failing on the first, second, third, or one millionth time. In the end if u get to where u want to be thats fine.

I have health problems too, and they really just hurt... physically obviously but even more so mentally.

What helps me cope though is I kinda think of it like... when someone who is really good at something purposefully make things harder for themselves for a challenge.
I just think of how like... if I can accomplish what I want to feeling like shit, even if I'm not perfect with it or even consistent with it, any time I do accomplish something while feeling like shit I get stronger.

 

[Fragile]

Yup!

I think it's kind of normal though. Theres nothing rly wrong with failing on the first, second, third, or one millionth time. In the end if u get to where u want to be thats fine.

I have health problems too, and they really just hurt... physically obviously but even more so mentally.

What helps me cope though is I kinda think of it like... when someone who is really good at something purposefully make things harder for themselves for a challenge.
I just think of how like... if I can accomplish what I want to feeling like shit, even if I'm not perfect with it or even consistent with it, any time I do accomplish something while feeling like shit I get stronger.

that's a beautiful way of seeing it.

but i don't think it's normal for most people to have to try so hard to fix their lives. and i'm not getting strong at all, if anything every time i failed i just got weaker and more broken, i feel that i'm getting really close to the point where there is nothing more to break about my life.

 

[CFLoser]

that's a beautiful way of seeing it.

but i don't think it's normal for most people to have to try so hard to fix their lives. and i'm not getting strong at all, if anything every time i failed i just got weaker and more broken, i feel that i'm getting really close to the point where there is nothing more to break about my life.

If there is nothing more to break then there's no reason to hold onto ur life with careful hands. You can put ur life down and walk to another, new life. The worse things get the better chance u have to say fuck it and try things completely outside the box (which is usually the only things that help).

And I think you are getting stronger. Let me explain...

Things going bad hurts, a lot. It's kind of like inflammation from a cut. Yes, the cut itself hurts, and it keeps hurting while it's inflammed... but that's only because the wound is healing itself.


Everytime u fail, thats the answer. You just have to look really hard at that failure... and also recognize that it's not ur fault at all.

Also... and this is the most important part, most people don't try hard to fix their lives because
1. their lives may be bad, but not so bad they care to fix.
2. they simply don't need too.

Fixing your life is a skill. You hone that skill and that skill carries over to every other part of your life.
It sucks in the moment, rly, and it's like impossible to keep trying sometimes but you don't have to try all the time, only some of the time.

 

[Fragile]

If there is nothing more to break then there's no reason to hold onto ur life with careful hands. You can put ur life down and walk to another, new life. The worse things get the better chance u have to say fuck it and try things completely outside the box (which is usually the only things that help).

And I think you are getting stronger. Let me explain...

Things going bad hurts, a lot. It's kind of like inflammation from a cut. Yes, the cut itself hurts, and it keeps hurting while it's inflammed... but that's only because the wound is healing itself.


Everytime u fail, thats the answer. You just have to look really hard at that failure... and also recognize that it's not ur fault at all.

Also... and this is the most important part, most people don't try hard to fix their lives because
1. their lives may be bad, but not so bad they care to fix.
2. they simply don't need too.

Fixing your life is a skill. You hone that skill and that skill carries over to every other part of your life.
It sucks in the moment, rly, and it's like impossible to keep trying sometimes but you don't have to try all the time, only some of the time.

well, i agree that most people would get stronger and then heal from failing, but in my case i also have a disease that is progressing and making my body fragile and harder to repair, so everything i've tried has objectively made me weaker first physically and then mentally. and that's not even taking all the other stuff unrelated to my illnesses into account.

and i do know that this is not my fault, is just that my genes malfunctioned and were not meant to give me a long lasting body, that way of thinking has helped me feel less self hatred for failing, but it also makes everything feel just unfair.

 

[CFLoser]

well, i agree that most people would get stronger and then heal from failing, but in my case i also have a disease that is progressing and making my body fragile and harder to repair, so everything i've tried has objectively made me weaker first physically and then mentally. and that's not even taking all the other stuff unrelated to my illnesses into account.

and i do know that this is not my fault, is just that my genes malfunctioned and were not meant to give me a long lasting body, that way of thinking has helped me feel less self hatred for failing, but it also makes everything feel just unfair.

:/ that sounds super rough... i'm sorry I spoke too soon.

i kind of dont know what to say now, if i think of anything i'll tell u
Your username is kind of beautiful now in a weird way...

 

[Fragile]

:/ that sounds super rough... i'm sorry I spoke too soon.

i kind of dont know what to say now, if i think of anything i'll tell u
Your username is kind of beautiful now in a weird way...

oh don't worry, you had no way of knowing.

plus you made a great point and also put it beautifully so i thank you for your words!

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

I feel like you Fragile.
Sometimes I think to myself, it is metaphysical, there's nothing I can do, whatever my best efforts. As I already sensed strangely in my childhood that I'll will end up to kill myself.
I feel for you.

 

[woxihuanni]

I've tried to climb out of the shit I was born into very hard all my life.

I just feel like a lab rat now. The more I can take, the more shit is thrown in my face. I'm ashamed of myself for being strong, if that makes sense. If not, maybe I've lost my fucking my mind at last.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I just don't care about "fixing" my life anymore. I passively wish I could die in an accident everyday. If something major in my life happens (e.g. I get fired from my job or my bf breaks up with me), I think that will be enough to push me over the edge. I already have all the supplies for the SN method (SN, primperan, tagamet), so in theory, I could end my life at any time.

 

[eve2004]

I just don't care about "fixing" my life anymore. I passively wish I could die in an accident everyday. If something major in my life happens (e.g. I get fired from my job or my bf breaks up with me), I think that will be enough to push me over the edge. I already have all the supplies for the SN method (SN, primperan, tagamet), so in theory, I could end my life at any time.

Same. I'm just waiting for that thing to push me over the edge and I'm a goner. Just a matter of time.

 

[Fragile]

I just don't care about "fixing" my life anymore. I passively wish I could die in an accident everyday. If something major in my life happens (e.g. I get fired from my job or my bf breaks up with me), I think that will be enough to push me over the edge. I already have all the supplies for the SN method (SN, primperan, tagamet), so in theory, I could end my life at any time.

yeah, i'm also reaching that point.

currently trying to improve one last time, and if that fails... lets just say i'm stockpiling on amitriptyline and benzos for when that time comes.

 

[toomuchpain1213]

well, i agree that most people would get stronger and then heal from failing, but in my case i also have a disease that is progressing and making my body fragile and harder to repair, so everything i've tried has objectively made me weaker first physically and then mentally. and that's not even taking all the other stuff unrelated to my illnesses into account.

and i do know that this is not my fault, is just that my genes malfunctioned and were not meant to give me a long lasting body, that way of thinking has helped me feel less self hatred for failing, but it also makes everything feel just unfair.

I understand you.

 

[Readytogo227]

I've tried, and ended up worse. But I'm still fighting. I don't think I can get back to the way I used to be, but I am also trying to make peace with that. My last attempt to ctb caused me permanent damage to my heart (according to the doctor), so I know I am weaker physically and maybe even mentally. But I still feel a small voice telling me to keep going because I want to see what I can do with myself. Even if I fail, at least I tried. Not for anyone else, but for me.

 

[Mr2005]

After wasting six years then having the worst one of my life I started doing a few things that I regretted having not done and giving things a go but I never really believed it. It felt too little too late and I'm back to exactly where I was

 

[Mud.]

I have epilepsy in the highest of degrees.
There's no medication and/or combination of medication that I haven't tried.
I have no control over it and there's no hope that it will ever get better

All I can do is try to stay away from things that 'trigger' the epilepsy.
Which means, avoiding an overload of colors, sounds, smells, etc.
In other words, Life.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Yeah, I've tried. Many meds, therapy, activities etc. .. in the end I'm just getting older and things keep getting worse. I think it's naive to say that life will get better for anyone who puts efforts to it. Often now I just try to hide my pain so I don't have to explain myself to anyone irl.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

8've tried a lot of time and still trying but nothing good

 

[hahabye]

The first time I wanted to kill myself was when I was around 14. It went on and off and now 10 years later I think it's time for me to finally do it right. I just kept coming back to the same place - wanting to die. Don't want to stay on the rollercoaster anymore

 

[EmptySteph62]

Yes I tried sooo hard to make things better for myself and I've tried meds and therapy and a wack load of other things and things have only gotten steadily worse over the years. I guess some people aren't meant to get better...

 

[Nem]

Worse...much fuckin worse! I'd been better off killing myself asap. As soon as I was nearly killed by my fuckhead dr I should've killed myself with charcoal grills in my bathroom immediately. Sticking around has been the absolute worst thing I could've ever done. Never, never think things are going to get better unless you are certain.

 

[ManWithNoName]

In my opinion all and any attempt to recover is of utmost importance. The right to ctb is as valid as the right to life, but before one decides to carry out self deliverance, leave no rock unturned, no possibility unexplored.

 

[toomuchpain1213]

I've tried so hard bc this isn't at all how I expected my life to turn out. Before I took Cipro I was on top of the world, I've never wanted to ctb, but my physical body has betrayed me. I had so many hopes and dreams of helping people, I was happily married and planning on having a child with my husband, I had a wonderful career, and in a matter of 2 weeks because of an ear infection it was all taken away. It still feels like yesterday, even tho it's been 6 years. I still feel like my husband is just on tour and will walk in the door at any time. I still feel like my little dog that was my whole heart is going to be in the living room when I wake up. Time has gone on but I am stuck in this hell screaming all day every day for so long. I'm a tough girl, I've been through losing my husband, my dad, my sweet little dog, and yet still there is part of me that is holding on to hope, that maybe I'll miraculously get well, yet every day I wake up to excruciating pain. It is unfair, and shame on anyone who judges any of us. We all have our own reasons for deciding to ctb. I believe we have all fought the good fight and it's ok that we didn't "win," according to society. But maybe we did win, because we are brave enough to choose our own method (if we can get it) and our own time. Society places a lot of judgment on us, and maybe I used to be one of them, who knows. My theory is that everyone has their own path, life is definitely not fair, and we can only do the best we can do. My heart goes out to all of you who are hurting, whether it be physical or emotional, it doesn't matter. I wish all of us peace and the means to find it.

 

[Powderedmonster]

Same. I'm just waiting for that thing to push me over the edge and I'm a goner. Just a matter of time.

I've said that before too but look who's still here after all hell broke loose multiple times...I swore if my best friend left me I'd be dead, he left me six months ago. I swore that if a drug for pssd didn't work I'd be dead, it didn't work. Same for another drug that I tried last September. I swore that if my other close friend left me I'd kill myself and he ghosted me 2 months ago. Multiple other things have happened that I swore I would kill myself over and I'm still fucking here. Now I just need to actually get around to doing what I promised myself I'd do all those times..

 

[eve2004]

I've said that before too but look who's still here after all hell broke loose multiple times...I swore if my best friend left me I'd be dead, he left me six months ago. I swore that if a drug for pssd didn't work I'd be dead, it didn't work. Same for another drug that I tried last September. I swore that if my other close friend left me I'd kill myself and he ghosted me 2 months ago. Multiple other things have happened that I swore I would kill myself over and I'm still fucking here. Now I just need to actually get around to doing what I promised myself I'd do all those times..

I have an estate to settle first, it's almost done, that's the only reason I'm still here.

 

[Bea]

Yup!

I think it's kind of normal though. Theres nothing rly wrong with failing on the first, second, third, or one millionth time. In the end if u get to where u want to be thats fine.

I have health problems too, and they really just hurt... physically obviously but even more so mentally.

What helps me cope though is I kinda think of it like... when someone who is really good at something purposefully make things harder for themselves for a challenge.
I just think of how like... if I can accomplish what I want to feeling like shit, even if I'm not perfect with it or even consistent with it, any time I do accomplish something while feeling like shit I get stronger.

Absolutely feel this. When we "survive", when we fight and continue to bounce back, we learn resilience. Resilience as well as more compassion for others and ourselves. It's not easy, of course, so I'm hoping I don't come across flippant. I'm in middle age, bounced the fuck back from a seriously dark place just recently and am about to start a new job and go back to school. Who knows what you're capable of? The hardest part, for me at least, was looking straight into the darkest parts of myself and shouting to them to "bring it on". It felt like me making things harder on myself, in a way, but turned out to be rewarding in the end. At least, for now.

 

[Élégie]

I've tried, but my situation has just gotten worse over the years. Honestly I wish I had killed myself when I was 16 (I'm 27 now).