Look, I don't have anything to help you get in a meaningful relationship or to help you realize how to follow your desires. But I do know something that has worked for me to let relationships fade all the way to the back of my mind.
Maybe it's the chronic pain, anxiety, and chronic pain that made it so. Maybe it's burying my desires. Maybe it's the belief that I shouldn't drag someone into my shitshow, and I'm kidding myself that I don't even want a relationship. But I know for a fact that days and days go by without me giving a single thought about relationships in a sense that pertains to me.
It's like I finally realize that relationships just make life even more of a drag throughout. There are 2 substances that have majorly helped this realization:
1.) LSD
2.) Kratom
LSD allowed me the insight into my desires and needs. Kratom killed my sexual instincts. Kratom is by far the best thing I've tried for pain, anxiety, depression, etc, but one side effect I didn't expect is that over time, it helped me become more logical about my inherent addiction to love and my need for a partner.
Kratom helps keep your hormones from overriding you. This results in a decrease in muscle mass, in sperm production, but most importantly, in sex drive/libido, drive for love, and addiction to being desired.
Kratom didn't turn me away from relationships, but it let me actualize the cost/benefit instead of my brain SCREAMING at me to find love. I didn't even want love, I wanted to escape the crushing torture of being undesirable. And I have escaped that, but without having to shove my fist into the woodchipper of romance.
There will always be that primal, instinctual desire to find a mate despite how terrible and destructive relationships tend to be, and how much they may hurt you. But you can control it. Despite how the survival instinct is the most deeply ingrained, strongest instinct we have burned deep, deep within our brain stem and riddled throughout our subconscious, we can overcome it. Same goes for that illogical desire for a mate that we all, and I mean ALL, carry with us all of our conscious life.
You can overcome your survival instinct. You can put yourself in the right mindset, you can drink alcohol or use benzos or dissociatives to kill your survival instinct, but the instinct to keep breathing despite all logic will remain strong. However, this strength can be outweighed by the desire to end the pain and suffering that life entails.
Same goes for romance/sexuality. You can recognize that you are driven to relationships despite their inherent harm. You can use substances to control yourself. Don't get me wrong, some relationships are mutually beneficial, but the vast majority are completely destructive to both parties.
Hope this helps. Honestly, kratom has made it so that relationships have only crossed my mind objectively, not in a subjective sense as in "I want a relationship" or "I need sex".
There's that stupid cry for pleasure, but we have opposable thumbs for a reason. And that reason is not for survival. It's for beating the royal fuck outta that cock til ya pass out.
WEEBS
