Venting Anyone else just have 1 thing holding them back?

[SD2007]

The past few years have been just slowly getting worse. I've been very lonely and I just finished secondary school (The irish version of Highschool). I hated my all of secondary school except this year (I changed schools). But now its over and I'll probably stop speaking to all these people soon. I met this girl a few months ago online, I absolutely hate having online friends/relationships and haven't done anything like that since I was 14/15. Now I'm going to England soon to see her and might go to university there. We are not dating but we both hope that'll change after we meet (neither of us want to online date). She's amazing and I haven't met anyone like her before. But I feel that if things don't work out I might just CTB. I feel bad for my family but I genuinely can't keep going if I lose her. My dogs were the only things getting me through my teenage years but now I feel like they aren't enough to keep me going. I feel awful for this. I'm not too sure why I'm even writing this. It's the first night in a while that me and the girl Didn't call (due to her being busy but nothing has gone bad between us). Anyone else in a similar situation? I can't feel happy without her. I constantly check my phone all day to see when she messages me. anyways there hope you enjoyed reading that :)

 

[Spit On My Grave]

The false hope is holding me

 

[taker_of_insulin]

Absolutely. My dog is holding me back. He's my best friend and we've spent 99% of every day together for the past 4 years. He's got his own side of the bed that I fix for him every night.

I have a lot of nightmares and I'll act out my dreams and start yelling in my sleep. He'll jump on me to calm me down. He'll lay his whole belly across mine until I wake up. He's so good to me. I wish I could leave, but I'm afraid he'll be confused and think I abandoned him.

If it wasn't for him, I would've left several years ago.

Also, congrats on the new young love. I remember that feeling. It's amazing and makes you feel like a million bucks. I somehow started dating the girl of my dreams in college. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. We dated for four years. But I eventually fucked it up due to my depression, anxiety, and I relapsed. After that, I went into a dark hole for 5 years. I eventually got out of it and started dating someone else, we dated for 4 years too, but it was different. I didn't feel the same way about her. I just needed someone in my life to make me feel better. And she did, she helped me stay in between the ditches. She always referred to me as a fixer upper. I loved her for all the help she gave me. I eventually fucked that up too. Now it's just me and my dog. Things aren't going great.

If you've got a good thing, hold on to it and don't take it for granted

 

[tonicer]

Not a thing but a person, my mom. She was always good to me and is very understanding even though when i bring up my suicidal thoughts she gets a bit angry. I won't do it while she is still alive. She's almost 80 and has maybe 10 years left so i somehow manage those last 10 years too. I made it to 43 already what are 10 more years?!

 

[engineered_failure]

Not a thing but a person, my mom. She was always good to me and is very understanding even though when i bring up my suicidal thoughts she gets a bit angry. I won't do it while she is still alive. She's almost 80 and has maybe 10 years left so i somehow manage those last 10 years too. I made it to 43 already what are 10 more years?!

same reasons. my mom and i are about half those ages, respectively. parents are fighting because of me as i type this. i know they have love for me but i cant go on after so many years of being a fucking disappointment. if it wasnt for them id be gone by now, i think.

 

[isthisthingon]

The only thing holding me back is the weather. Too hot for a tent right now.

 

[tonicer]

same reasons. my mom and i are about half those ages, respectively. parents are fighting because of me as i type this. i know they have love for me but i cant go on after so many years of being a fucking disappointment. if it wasnt for them id be gone by now, i think.

Do both of your parents love you? My father doesn't love me or my brother but i guess that's why my mom divorced him when i was ~5. He is one of those old school strict German dads. For him only business success counts which must suck for him because me and my older brother (+9 years) are total losers in that area. He delivers newspapers and i studied my entire life and can't find a job. I guess i am overqualified or some shit but for higher level jobs i need experience which i can't gain because nobody hires me. He's very old, close to 90 and barely alive anymore. I am still going to miss him when he's gone some day but i doubt I'd cry over him. When my mom dies i have nothing binding me to this world, i worked out a lot over the past decade and built a pretty decent physique which i am quite proud of. I thought it could keep me alive because all that blood sweat and tears would be wasted if i end it but once my mom is gone i am not sure that it's enough.

 

[Bishop]

Myself