Anyone else in therapy and using it to make peace with their life & death?

[hobbydevil]

I have recently started therapy. It's bizarre how that came to happen. I met a therapist by chance and somehow it was so easy to talk to them so I just continued.

I am enjoying the weekly sessions. A lot. Looking forward to them every week which is really really odd (I've seen many many therapists before and never felt this enthusiastic about the appointments). Talking about my life feels... Healing, although it also makes my grief feel so much worse. Not suppressing emotions anymore does that I suppose.

But the truth is... I don't think this will actually help me "get better" in the sense that it won't make me stop wanting to ctb? If anything I feel like it currently helps me overcome the fear of death and the sadness over my life ending so early.

My newfound appreciation and sympathy for my younger self, which I am talking about a lot in therapy at the moment, makes me feel more at ease with the decision to leave life behind prematurely...

Anyone else feel like this?

I feel sort of bad for "using" therapy like this.
I am very honest with my therapist, they even know about my suicidal thoughts, but I suppose *this* is something I just can't tell them about...

 

[Ame]

I am sure that there are many that are in a similar situation, even if the details differ from person to person. I am glad that you feel that it is easier to communicate with this therapist and that you are able to express your feelings more freely. It is not always easy and sometimes, therapists don't click with all of their clients.

I think that there exists a common misconception about therapy. Often when we think of "therapy", we associate it with the mentally ill and curative treatments targeted at this population. While there is a distinct sub-set of therapies designed for this purpose there are many other applications. There are countless people, who are not mentally ill who use therapy to get through difficult times (ex: death of a loved one, major life changes, relationship breakdown etc) or as a way to grow as a person.

Ultimately, therapy - be it psychotherapy for those living with psychiatric conditions or otherwise - is intended to provide a safe space for a person to explore their inner reality and to help guide them toward realizing their goals. For some, that goal can be recovery, emotional growth, living a fuller life, or just managing to cope better with the pain of life.

It can be anything, but in the end your goal is something that only you can determine. Therapy is what you make it.

I don't know if this will assuage your feelings of guilt at all, but it is not uncommon for those facing certain death (like those with terminal illness) to seek therapy in order to come to terms with what is to come. It is a matter of doing what is good and right for you I think.

 

[truthseeker]

To attempt to make peace with my life, yes. My death as it would be without ctb feels as if I'm speaking in the third person.

 

[MeltingHeart]

They won't give me therapy because I am suicidal- as this means I am not 'ready' for therapy - I wouldn't want it now anyway - I needed it years ago - no one ever offered or suggested it - not one gp (despite being on anti-d's for over half my life) , not one friend, not one family member. I was always running on survival mode so never really had the mental space and capacity to figure out that was what I needed at the time - I'm WAY past that stage now thou...

 

[TAW122]

No, I am not and I have already made peace by myself since after living almost 30 years on this planet, I know the world for what it is. Also, there is a risk that if I discuss the things that I am really thinking about it, I could be locked up in a psych ward against my will (despite having committed no "real" crimes), just because some medicial professionals or people in power think that I am a danger to myself or others. If therapy did not carry the risk of being forced/locked up against one's will for simply talking about wanting to die or suicide, then perhaps more people may be willing to go, but until then, I (and most other people who have already made up their mind and at peace with it) will never seek it. Not worth my time nor my money.

 

[MeltingHeart]

No, I am not and I have already made peace by myself since after living almost 30 years on this planet, I know the world for what it is. Also, there is a risk that if I discuss the things that I am really thinking about it, I could be locked up in a psych ward against my will (despite having committed no "real" crimes), just because some medicial professionals or people in power think that I am a danger to myself or others. If therapy did not carry the risk of being forced/locked up against one's will for simply talking about wanting to die or suicide, then perhaps more people may be willing to go, but until then, I (and most other people who have already made up their mind and at peace with it) will never seek it. Not worth my time nor my money.

If I am not mistaken I think you can talk about suicidal 'thoughts' or ideation as they call it - as long as you don't say/ behave like you are gonna act on it imminently - or as in my case you just simply continually maintain that you wish to need yr life (yet currently to scared to do so- which is why I have not been sectioned) - so they deem me not in the right state of mind for therapy - which I agree with. If you really want it though - I think you are allowed to talk about those thoughts so long as they are not given the impression you will act on it soon.

 

[hobbydevil]

If I am not mistaken I think you can talk about suicidal 'thoughts' or ideation as they call it - as long as you don't say/ behave like you are gonna act on it imminently - or as in my case you just simply continually maintain that you wish to need yr life (yet currently to scared to do so- which is why I have not been sectioned) - so they deem me not in the right state of mind for therapy - which I agree with. If you really want it though - I think you are allowed to talk about those thoughts so long as they are not given the impression you will act on it soon.

Yeah that's basically what I am doing. Therapist is aware of suicidal thoughts but I am always making sure to stress how badly I would want to live if things were different (which IS true) and mention plans for the future.

It's sad that they won't even let us talk openly about this though.

 

[TAW122]

@MeltingHeart Yes, that is true from what others have said, however, as every therapist, mental health professional is different, there is always a gamble for them to take it wrong and/or decide to become too protective (either for their own profession or personal conscience). I am simply not going to take the risk, especially in the US. I also believe it is a waste of time and money (as I have said in another thread before). I have made my decision and now I'm just living life until things become unbearable/pushed over the edge/shit happens, then I would CTB (came close at least twice this year, but I think I'll make it to 2020).

 

[its-about-time]

Been in therapy a long time. I attempted in November, since getting out of the ward I've consistently said I'm not suicidal but therapy has been a good place to reflect on my life up to now and everything I've tried to make things tolerable. It's making me feel better about ctb. I get to just talk and feel heard, sort of get my side of the story out to someone one more time.

My delayed email is going to my therapist. I feel bad a bit about that. But it's also an opportunity to tell her that I appreciate the space she's made for me and apologize for being dishonest about my level of preparation and willingness to ctb.