When I thought there was a chance of patching things up with my husband, I'd feel so much better, like a lead weight was off my shoulders. I can't say I was completely without depression because every day the situation would change, but the difference in mood when things were peaceable was remarkable. He has no idea the effect he has on my mental health nor does he care. Facing life alone scares the crap out of me which is why I've morphed back into my depressive state and am constantly thinking about ctb.
I read this and saw myself in your post. I'm sorry that we are sharing the same suffering.
She's so important to me. I am so unimportant to her. I am careful to conceal my instability and dependence because I'm aware of things like self-fulfilling prophecies. I always do my best to respect her boundaries.
She has no idea how much she matters to me. On those rare occasions where we talk or spend time casually, I love my life and the entire day feels wonderful. On every other occasion when I am dismissed or ignored, my despair only deepens.
The only thing that has kept me going for the past four years was the vague, faint, irrational hope that maybe things between us could be better than they are. But I know at this point I'm delusional.
I hope you find peace one way or another. I'll be wishing for your success no matter what.
