Anyone else here who is either completely happy and hopeful or super depressed and suicidal?

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Heyy. So honestly I kinda wanna know if anyone else here isn't always depressed? Like, I can have really really good days but then come the bad days after a while and they are really really bad and time where I'm at risk of taking my own life. When I'm in the good days I can't understand the logic behind my bad days and my depression but when I'm in my bad days I can't find logic in why I sometimes have good days and am hopeful. Its a lot of ups and downs and it's kinda f*cking with my brain?
Anyone else?

 

[ihatethisplanet]

When I thought there was a chance of patching things up with my husband, I'd feel so much better, like a lead weight was off my shoulders. I can't say I was completely without depression because every day the situation would change, but the difference in mood when things were peaceable was remarkable. He has no idea the effect he has on my mental health nor does he care. Facing life alone scares the crap out of me which is why I've morphed back into my depressive state and am constantly thinking about ctb.

 

[guinea-pig]

Yeah I'm the same way. It sucks because it is months of depression only for me to get only a few genuinely good days.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can say when I joined SaSu I was totally depressed, numb and very close to CTB. In the past weeks I feel "better" in general. It's just a question of time when the next hit comes to send me into a depressive episode again. So yes ups and downs are there for me and I also know what's causing them.

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Yeah I'm the same way. It sucks because it is months of depression only for me to get only a few genuinely good days.

Yeah it's more bad days for me too than good days sadly. ):

I can say when I joined SaSu I was totally depressed, numb and very close to CTB. In the past weeks I feel "better" in general. It's just a question of time when the next hit comes to send me into a depressive episode again. So yes ups and downs are there for me and I also know what's causing them.

Yep whenever I'm in a good state I'm mostly aware that the bad days are just one turn away

 

[Parnate]

I loved life , but i could never love myself.

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

Yes, I live in the in-between.

It's so tiring that there are times I would - without a single doubt - ctb immediately.

Then there is this cruel and clingy little thing called hope and it does want me to keep fighting and get better. It's like a never ending war in my head.

A few months ago I think I could've related better to what you described here.
Days like this have become rarer lately. When I smile or feel the slightest hint of joy, I catch myself thinking of dying again. Like an intrusive voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't laugh now and that I should be long gone already, since there is no place left for me in this world.

Hope is getting smaller, the thought of death lingers in my head all the time these days.

 

[Takamagahara]

When I thought there was a chance of patching things up with my husband, I'd feel so much better, like a lead weight was off my shoulders. I can't say I was completely without depression because every day the situation would change, but the difference in mood when things were peaceable was remarkable. He has no idea the effect he has on my mental health nor does he care. Facing life alone scares the crap out of me which is why I've morphed back into my depressive state and am constantly thinking about ctb.

I read this and saw myself in your post. I'm sorry that we are sharing the same suffering.

She's so important to me. I am so unimportant to her. I am careful to conceal my instability and dependence because I'm aware of things like self-fulfilling prophecies. I always do my best to respect her boundaries.

She has no idea how much she matters to me. On those rare occasions where we talk or spend time casually, I love my life and the entire day feels wonderful. On every other occasion when I am dismissed or ignored, my despair only deepens.

The only thing that has kept me going for the past four years was the vague, faint, irrational hope that maybe things between us could be better than they are. But I know at this point I'm delusional.

I hope you find peace one way or another. I'll be wishing for your success no matter what.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

I feel the same way, I have a alot ups and downs in my state of emotions. There are times when my situation would be really really bad and there are times where I would just go on with my life.
Currently, I dont really know what to feel, I've been feeling numb lately and that I really cant tell what exactly I am going through/feeling.
I do still wish to not exist so I do not have to go through this meaningless life.

 

[Henryk]

one thing I learned is that life is not a fairy tale where in the end we will live "happily ever after", those who have a happy life will not always have good days, in fact it is more likely that that person has more normal and bad days than great. The difference is precisely in enjoying the good days and living the bad days.

 

[FindingHome]

I am hopeful that I am going to be CTB soon. Prepping for it is actually a great motivation and am actually excited to be working on my goal to CTB.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Heyy. So honestly I kinda wanna know if anyone else here isn't always depressed? Like, I can have really really good days but then come the bad days after a while and they are really really bad and time where I'm at risk of taking my own life. When I'm in the good days I can't understand the logic behind my bad days and my depression but when I'm in my bad days I can't find logic in why I sometimes have good days and am hopeful. Its a lot of ups and downs and it's kinda f*cking with my brain?
Anyone else?

To be honest I wish I had good days. Unfortunately, for me they are all bad. Are you bipolar?

 

[SplitInfrastructure]

me Im sometimes having good days, its honestly normal for your feelings to sometimes fluctuate. Too bad theres always the dread in the back of the head

 

[butterfly3]

i'm like that too, the cycle gets so tiring

 

[Griffith_NPD]

I'm always heavily depressed and suicidal, never happy anymore.

 

[fwompie]

Definitely feel the same way. I have pretty bad moodswings. My general state of mind is passively suicidal where I can still do things that I get some joy out of but there's hours to days where I feel euphoric and there's months in which I'm very depressed to the point where I can't take care of myself properly. It's so tiring.

Having moods change is normal but having suicidal feelings included in that is not.

I will say it's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. It can feel conflicting feeling so good, knowing a few days ago you were ready to catch the bus.

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Yes, I live in the in-between.

It's so tiring that there are times I would - without a single doubt - ctb immediately.

Then there is this cruel and clingy little thing called hope and it does want me to keep fighting and get better. It's like a never ending war in my head.

A few months ago I think I could've related better to what you described here.
Days like this have become rarer lately. When I smile or feel the slightest hint of joy, I catch myself thinking of dying again. Like an intrusive voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't laugh now and that I should be long gone already, since there is no place left for me in this world.

Hope is getting smaller, the thought of death lingers in my head all the time these days.

To be honest I wish I had good days. Unfortunately, for me they are all bad. Are you bipolar?

Honestly Idk. I wonder if I have it. I'm diagnosed with major depression but do depressed people have these extreme highs?
Exatl

Definitely feel the same way. I have pretty bad moodswings. My general state of mind is passively suicidal where I can still do things that I get some joy out of but there's hours to days where I feel euphoric and there's months in which I'm very depressed to the point where I can't take care of myself properly. It's so tiring.

Having moods change is normal but having suicidal feelings included in that is not.

I will say it's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. It can feel conflicting feeling so good, knowing a few days ago you were ready to catch the bus.

Exactly. I'm ready to cbt. Do all these things to be ready when committing. Telling myself, one last day, only to then have a complete change of mood and being super happy randomly. Feeling like I can achieve almost anything and setting things up do try to achieve these dreams only to then fall in a pit again and be depressed and suicidal and having to cancel all these plans I made when I was in a better mood

 

[brokeandbroken]

Honestly Idk. I wonder if I have it. I'm diagnosed with major depression but do depressed people have these extreme highs?
Exatl

Not usually. They can have good days of course... But extreme highs not so much.