Anyone else here suffering from a personality disorder?

[Rsuicidal]

The sheer hell that is my emotions is wreaking me. I have zero confidence that therapy works at all for me, including specific ones.
I was so set on dying for weeks upon weeks and then back up for a little bit, and bam back down. I cant ride the rollercoaster forever.
My life isnt worth living up and down and back. I do not know who I am and my partner says it is like being a teenager. No I really do not know what I like or who I am. Looking in the mirror is weird when I dont recognize myself.

Sometimes I feel I am living in a dream and I cant shake it for the life of me. Sometimes the word is too bright and loud and I want to stay indoors with the lights off.
I am exhausted being this sort of ghost/ robot thing thatt cannot keep friends.
I have a family because of my partner but even they notice how weird I am

I am so sick of being me, and I dont even know who I am.

Im so so tired. Even if there us a hell I know I would deserve it based on my behavior.

I am a shit human

 

[Madame Psychosis]

I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, and holy shit, your post rung true with me.

The dreamlike quality you describe, the mood swings, the sense of detachment from the self... it all comes in the package, along with the overwhelming desire to ctb. Something I've noticed – The weird mental gymnastics routines that personality disorders involve tend to consume all the energy I've got, including the energy I would spend defining myself, or creating some semblance of a healthy social life, or developing my confidence. The exhaustion never lets up, even after a good 10 hours of sleep.

I hope you can find some rest and peace of mind going forward.

 

[sif]

The sheer hell that is my emotions is wreaking me. I have zero confidence that therapy works at all for me, including specific ones.
I was so set on dying for weeks upon weeks and then back up for a little bit, and bam back down. I cant ride the rollercoaster forever.
My life isnt worth living up and down and back. I do not know who I am and my partner says it is like being a teenager. No I really do not know what I like or who I am. Looking in the mirror is weird when I dont recognize myself.

Sometimes I feel I am living in a dream and I cant shake it for the life of me. Sometimes the word is too bright and loud and I want to stay indoors with the lights off.
I am exhausted being this sort of ghost/ robot thing thatt cannot keep friends.
I have a family because of my partner but even they notice how weird I am

I am so sick of being me, and I dont even know who I am.

Im so so tired. Even if there us a hell I know I would deserve it based on my behavior.

I am a shit human

I feel completely an entirely the same. I don't even have anything decent to add, I just want to cry. I always do. I don't know how I'm holding it together lately.

 

[Rsuicidal]

I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, and holy shit, your post rung true with me.

The dreamlike quality you describe, the mood swings, the sense of detachment from the self... it all comes in the package, along with the overwhelming desire to ctb. Something I've noticed – The weird mental gymnastics routines that personality disorders involve tend to consume all the energy I've got, including the energy I would spend defining myself, or creating some semblance of a healthy social life, or developing my confidence. The exhaustion never lets up, even after a good 10 hours of sleep.

I hope you can find some rest and peace of mind going forward.

Yep I am now averaging twelve hours sleep. Sometimes naps. Cant wait for the change over so I can get weeks to months of insomnia and paranoid delusions. Seeing people and colours around my house in the night is fun too, like, am I psychic and seeing a bleed through from another dimension or do I need extreme medication, who knows!
Just being around people is hell. Being alone is too. Nothing is ever comfortable or ok, and then others think I am exaggerating when they dont get it.
Feeling 200% of everything except everything switches. Ill research my method and go to practice, then later I am planning a few months ahead in life.
It hurts and I am not surr this holds any quality of life.

May I ask when youre in your dream state is everything like too bright, and sounds weird, like for me at a bus stop one time cars driving by sounded like toys in a tube all weird and echo-y? And odd colours and static and losing days is just too fun.

 

[Rsuicidal]

I feel completely an entirely the same. I don't even have anything decent to add, I just want to cry. I always do. I don't know how I'm holding it together lately.

I cry a shitload feel free to bawl or word vomit here. I was sort of seeking others like me, but you also dont owe me your story?

 

[sif]

I cry a shitload feel free to bawl or word vomit here. I was sort of seeking others like me, but you also dont owe me your story?

It's hard, dependant on my mood just like everything else nowadays I guess, sometimes I feel like bawling and could rant for hours which I kind of do every single day, and sometimes can't get anything out. Things are getting especially hard lately. I'm particularly hopeless. I don't have anything like real visual hallucinations like what you have described but experiencing the very slow gradual lapse into craziness from what felt like just basic emotions... feels like I've learnt a lot about being human and how horrid it is. If you want to pm me your story or something, that's okay, there's too much for me to say and every year there is a whole year of extra things to tack on to my story with even less value or worth in speaking about it.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

Yep I am now averaging twelve hours sleep. Sometimes naps. Cant wait for the change over so I can get weeks to months of insomnia and paranoid delusions. Seeing people and colours around my house in the night is fun too, like, am I psychic and seeing a bleed through from another dimension or do I need extreme medication, who knows!
Just being around people is hell. Being alone is too. Nothing is ever comfortable or ok, and then others think I am exaggerating when they dont get it.
Feeling 200% of everything except everything switches. Ill research my method and go to practice, then later I am planning a few months ahead in life.
It hurts and I am not surr this holds any quality of life.

May I ask when youre in your dream state is everything like too bright, and sounds weird, like for me at a bus stop one time cars driving by sounded like toys in a tube all weird and echo-y? And odd colours and static and losing days is just too fun.

I definitely get the sleep thing. Now that I'm on a break from classes, I can afford to sleep in until noon, sometimes later. There was a time when I had difficulty distinguishing between sleeping and waking states because my dissociation and visual distortions had gotten really bad, to the point where I convinced myself my life was a dream. Haven't had any of the colorful hallucinations you're describing, though. Mine usually take the form of spacial distortions – something in my hand will look incredibly far away, something in the distance will "pop out at me," the foreground or background will blur unexpectedly, etc. Your hallucinations sound a lot more present, for lack of a better word. I've heard voices call my name and say strange words, but I've never actually hallucinated a person standing in front of me. The right medication might mitigate your more extreme hallucinations. Getting the right medication is quite the ordeal, though, as I'm sure you already know.

Oh, and I do get the "toys in a tube" effect sometimes. I also lose days. One will go by and I'll neglect to commit it to memory.

As for people – I get what you're saying about hating company and also hating being alone. It's like I can't appreciate having a good conversation until I'm alone in bed at night, and I can't savor quiet moments by myself until I'm immersed in a crowd. The people in my life would treat me differently if they knew I sometimes lapsed into delusions. Gotta keep that under wraps. But it's hard, explaining why I haven't left in my house in three days, why I leave gatherings without saying goodbye to anyone, why I push everyone away.

I'd be interested in hearing more about your experience!

 

[sif]

Sorry I don't have anything to add again, right now, it's like 4:30am and I feel like I'm going crazy every waking moment but thought it'd be pretty interesting and nice to get a personality disorder discussion thread going like... this one! I like it and these odd little weird cognitions are something that are interesting to talk with each other about. I'm someone who probably or maybe suffers from borderline so yes I'm a shitty person haha, but after reading a lot and thinking a lot about myself it's nice to see the very basic process by which I became very fucked up, at least I can see how I broke I don't know.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

Sorry I don't have anything to add again, right now, it's like 4:30am and I feel like I'm going crazy every waking moment but thought it'd be pretty interesting and nice to get a personality disorder discussion thread going like... this one! I like it and these odd little weird cognitions are something that are interesting to talk with each other about. I'm someone who probably or maybe suffers from borderline so yes I'm a shitty person haha, but after reading a lot and thinking a lot about myself it's nice to see the very basic process by which I became very fucked up, at least I can see how I broke I don't know.

@sif, it's comforting to know there are others out there with weird headspaces. I suppose that's the point of this site, to bring us weirdos together for a little while. :)

Could you speak a little bit more about examining "the very basic process by which I became very fucked up"?

 

[Rsuicidal]

I definitely get the sleep thing. Now that I'm on a break from classes, I can afford to sleep in until noon, sometimes later. There was a time when I had difficulty distinguishing between sleeping and waking states because my dissociation and visual distortions had gotten really bad, to the point where I convinced myself my life was a dream. Haven't had any of the colorful hallucinations you're describing, though. Mine usually take the form of spacial distortions – something in my hand will look incredibly far away, something in the distance will "pop out at me," the foreground or background will blur unexpectedly, etc. Your hallucinations sound a lot more present, for lack of a better word. I've heard voices call my name and say strange words, but I've never actually hallucinated a person standing in front of me. The right medication might mitigate your more extreme hallucinations. Getting the right medication is quite the ordeal, though, as I'm sure you already know.

Oh, and I do get the "toys in a tube" effect sometimes. I also lose days. One will go by and I'll neglect to commit it to memory.

As for people – I get what you're saying about hating company and also hating being alone. It's like I can't appreciate having a good conversation until I'm alone in bed at night, and I can't savor quiet moments by myself until I'm immersed in a crowd. The people in my life would treat me differently if they knew I sometimes lapsed into delusions. Gotta keep that under wraps. But it's hard, explaining why I haven't left in my house in three days, why I leave gatherings without saying goodbye to anyone, why I push everyone away.

I'd be interested in hearing more about your experience!

I understand that distortion thing like, I would have trouble operating stairs if I walked during that. I wish I knew wth this was and why it shows up at all

 

[Rsuicidal]

Asking in an odd way because of the actual site this forum is on. I want to CTB to prevent anyone from being hurt or affected by me ever again. I feel it is a good thing to remove myself actually than keep my fiance and I suffering

 

[Final Escape]

The sheer hell that is my emotions is wreaking me. I have zero confidence that therapy works at all for me, including specific ones.
I was so set on dying for weeks upon weeks and then back up for a little bit, and bam back down. I cant ride the rollercoaster forever.
My life isnt worth living up and down and back. I do not know who I am and my partner says it is like being a teenager. No I really do not know what I like or who I am. Looking in the mirror is weird when I dont recognize myself.

Sometimes I feel I am living in a dream and I cant shake it for the life of me. Sometimes the word is too bright and loud and I want to stay indoors with the lights off.
I am exhausted being this sort of ghost/ robot thing thatt cannot keep friends.
I have a family because of my partner but even they notice how weird I am

I am so sick of being me, and I dont even know who I am.

Im so so tired. Even if there us a hell I know I would deserve it based on my behavior.

I am a shit human

Yes I have untreated borderline personality disorder and complex ptsd. Life has been pretty challenging. Iam pretty much out of control most of the time. My relationships are always on shaky ground. I'm always in crisis mode. It's not a pleasant existence for sure. I feel I have people who care yet I have no one at the same time. Because I can only maintain so much consistency with people. I do the idealize devalue thing and shifts in feelings about people so easy that it's too hard to try to get involved when u are like this. These issues are the primary reason I want to ctb. I'll never have what other people have. A life worth living.

 

[Kyrok]

Fuck their diagnoses... trying to dice you up and reduce you into categories.
They do it because they want to see you as sick, as having a "disorder."

Do you want to see yourself as sick? Fuck them!

 

[Final Escape]

Fuck their diagnoses... trying to dice you up and reduce you into categories.
They do it because they want to see you as sick, as having a "disorder."

Do you want to see yourself as sick? Fuck them!

I agree with you to a point, but this stuff is real and causes significant damage to the person with the issues and others who are around them. While it's true that everyone is unique and you are not just your disorder, the consequences and suffering is real.

 

[Jodes]

Fuck their diagnoses... trying to dice you up and reduce you into categories.
They do it because they want to see you as sick, as having a "disorder."

Do you want to see yourself as sick? Fuck them!

I've often relied on diagnoses to define me. Unfortunately they now say in my new diagnosis I have a very high chance of killing myself. No shit sherlock. 10% absolute minimum chance if eventual death, not including preexisting attempts, cluster C disorders, etc

 

[Buddyluv19]

The thing about these 'so named' personality disorders is that they've been 'coming out of the woodwork' since the rise of social media. It's as if someone 'sees a few symptoms' listed and starts diagnosing others around them based on limited evidence.

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't conditions or cases that arise where some of us need help to fit within the 'bell curve' of normal. I'm just saying that these labels are being proliferated by people 'unqualified' to assign them. I'm really concerned, especially, that they are being used as tools for scape-goating and discrimination.

 

[sif]

I agree with you to a point, but this stuff is real and causes significant damage to the person with the issues and others who are around them. While it's true that everyone is unique and you are not just your disorder, the consequences and suffering is real.

For sure, it helps to form a basic and abstract understanding of what's going on in somebodys head, since actual genuine understanding of it takes a long time.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

For sure, it helps to form a basic and abstract understanding of what's going on in somebodys head, since actual genuine understanding of it takes a long time.

Reading what others have written, I can relate to how difficult it is to maintain relationships. I'm fortunate to have one close friend whose company I enjoy and who I can share my more, uh, palatable problems with. Knowing that I post on this forum would trouble her.

The fact that I keep so much of my inner life to myself, including my inability to sympathize with most people, makes all of my relationships feel fraudulent, like I'm just constructing a toned-down version of myself that can function in social situations. It's incredibly isolating. The "idealize devalue thing" that @Final Escape described poses yet another problem, especially when I try to date. Nobody wants a partner who wants to spend every waking moment with you today and will tell you to fuck off tomorrow.

For those of you who have personality disorders and are in committed relationships – how do you get by?

 

[Rsuicidal]

The thing about these 'so named' personality disorders is that they've been 'coming out of the woodwork' since the rise of social media. It's as if someone 'sees a few symptoms' listed and starts diagnosing others around them based on limited evidence.

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't conditions or cases that arise where some of us need help to fit within the 'bell curve' of normal. I'm just saying that these labels are being proliferated by people 'unqualified' to assign them. I'm really concerned, especially, that they are being used as tools for scape-goating and discrimination.

Fair enough about the persons who self diagnose.
I personally cant figure out how things happened when young = symptoms now that dont make sense.
Like ok I was raised by addicts with nearly no interest in me except to blame and use, now sounds dont compute right.
I doubt the medical community has anything right considering the entire history of the profession. Would be brilliant to have a lobotomy and just be so out of it I wouldnt notice I was alive

 

[Hunter]

I really appreciate the courage that it took for you to post about this... Considering the general stigma of personality disorders, it would be easier for one to deny they have it in the first place or remain silent.

I've never been diagnosed as officially having a personality disorder, but I do have several traits of one that have made my life significantly difficult in the years past. As I'm now living in a different rung of life, it has compounded issues of trust, protection, and survival - providing a unique Hell designed just for me. Add in some unfixable chronic pain and you're on the fast track to suicide.

I'm technically in a relationship with someone right now, and I can honestly say that I've devolved into a level of intense self hatred that no amount of therapy, crappy pharmaceutical meds, and groups would ever fix. But for many people here… I still think that maybe there's hope. Not saying it's easy… but I have witnessed firsthand people recovering with time, different guidelines in relationships, concerted effort and most importantly, self-awareness. Truthfully, I think some people are not meant to be in lasting intimate relationships and maybe that's not such a horrible thing in and of itself.

I have no idea why my current girlfriend is with me but I honestly think that a partner would have to be unconditionally loving in order to put up with the amount of shit that I put her through. I tell her regularly that I think she should find someone else… Someone is easier to love, someone who is easier to understand. I know deep down in order to protect everyone from getting hurt, I should be alone.

 

[Rsuicidal]

Reading what others have written, I can relate to how difficult it is to maintain relationships. I'm fortunate to have one close friend whose company I enjoy and who I can share my more, uh, palatable problems with. Knowing that I post on this forum would trouble her.

The fact that I keep so much of my inner life to myself, including my inability to sympathize with most people, makes all of my relationships feel fraudulent, like I'm just constructing a toned-down version of myself that can function in social situations. It's incredibly isolating. The "idealize devalue thing" that @Final Escape described poses yet another problem, especially when I try to date. Nobody wants a partner who wants to spend every waking moment with you today and will tell you to fuck off tomorrow.

For those of you who have personality disorders and are in committed relationships – how do you get by?

I dont get by at all in my relationship. Right now I hate being around him

 

[Madame Psychosis]

I really appreciate the courage that it took for you to post about this... Considering the general stigma of personality disorders, it would be easy for one to deny they have it in the first place.

I've never been diagnosed as officially having a personality disorder, but I do have several traits of one that have made my life significantly difficult in the years past. As I'm now living in a different rung of life, it has compounded issues of trust, protection, and survival - providing a unique Hell designed just for me. Add in some unfixable chronic pain and you're on the fast track to suicide.

I'm technically in a relationship with someone right now, and I can honestly say that I've devolved into a level of intense self hatred that no amount of therapy, crappy pharmaceutical meds, and groups would ever fix. But for many people here… I still think that maybe there's hope. Not saying it's easy… but I have witnessed firsthand people recovering with time, different guidelines in relationships, concerted effort and most importantly, self-awareness. Truthfully, I think some people are not meant to be in lasting intimate relationships and maybe that's not such a horrible thing in and of itself.

I have no idea why my current girlfriend is with me but I honestly think that a partner would have to be unconditionally loving in order to put up with the amount of shit that I put her through. I tell her regularly that I think she should find someone else… Someone is easier to love, someone who is easier to understand. I know deep down in order to protect everyone from getting hurt, I should be alone.

It's a special kind of confusing, knowing that your behavior has impacted your partner in a negative way and should be reason enough for them to leave... only to have them stick by your side.

Your post tore me apart. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to hear about your mental health and your difficulties with your relationship. If it's some small consolation, I don't think someone develops unconditional love for a partner without seeing some glimmer of worth and goodness inside them. You make a good point about the importance of self-awareness in a volatile mental state – and, if your post is any indication, you have self-awareness down pat. It sounds like you want the best for your girlfriend. It sounds like you have the capacity to care. I wish you both the best going forward.

 

[Final Escape]

I really appreciate the courage that it took for you to post about this... Considering the general stigma of personality disorders, it would be easy for one to deny they have it in the first place.

I've never been diagnosed as officially having a personality disorder, but I do have several traits of one that have made my life significantly difficult in the years past. As I'm now living in a different rung of life, it has compounded issues of trust, protection, and survival - providing a unique Hell designed just for me. Add in some unfixable chronic pain and you're on the fast track to suicide.

I'm technically in a relationship with someone right now, and I can honestly say that I've devolved into a level of intense self hatred that no amount of therapy, crappy pharmaceutical meds, and groups would ever fix. But for many people here… I still think that maybe there's hope. Not saying it's easy… but I have witnessed firsthand people recovering with time, different guidelines in relationships, concerted effort and most importantly, self-awareness. Truthfully, I think some people are not meant to be in lasting intimate relationships and maybe that's not such a horrible thing in and of itself.

I have no idea why my current girlfriend is with me but I honestly think that a partner would have to be unconditionally loving in order to put up with the amount of shit that I put her through. I tell her regularly that I think she should find someone else… Someone is easier to love, someone who is easier to understand. I know deep down in order to protect everyone from getting hurt, I should be alone.

Women love the troubled dudes lol! I'm not sure why.

 

[Never Free]

For sure, it helps to form a basic and abstract understanding of what's going on in somebodys head, since actual genuine understanding of it takes a long time.

A lot related to trauma as well. Anyone know how a Dx of Paranoid PD is typically handled. Is it better or worse for avoiding forced psychiatry/ sectioning?

 

[RottenOdysseus]

The thing about these 'so named' personality disorders is that they've been 'coming out of the woodwork' since the rise of social media. It's as if someone 'sees a few symptoms' listed and starts diagnosing others around them based on limited evidence.

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't conditions or cases that arise where some of us need help to fit within the 'bell curve' of normal. I'm just saying that these labels are being proliferated by people 'unqualified' to assign them. I'm really concerned, especially, that they are being used as tools for scape-goating and discrimination.

tbh I find a lot of psych people to over diagnose as well. Just because you are educated in a subject doesn't mean you are GOOD at it. I remember I went to an RTC that diagnosed most people as being BPD despite not even being old enough to get diagnosed or not even having the symptoms really. I remember they would diagnose someone as having BPD just because they had trauma in their life, not even because they had any traits. I think too many people jump to making a diagnosis without really considering if they truly have it or not.

 

[Exile]

Yes, I do. And with the will and the right support people with such disorders can function well - not everyone, but quite a few. The thing is that it's hard to get the right support consistently. And we often sabotage our relationships.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Yes. Most people find I have a bad personality.

Women love the troubled dudes lol! I'm not sure why.

I love troubled people. I feel they can empathize with me. Like I can be honest around them--myself. I don't have to put forth that epic front, the fake everything's-OK-and-I-am-having-the-time-of-my-life persona. It's never worked, though. Even other troubled people want to be around happy, hot, resources-rich people. Now inanimate objects are my companions. Have yet to be insulted or abandoned by any of them.

 

[Norest4thewicked]

Diagnosed BPD and ASPD. It's never dull when I'm around. Can be a good or bad thing

 

[efffervescence]

Diagnosed BPD and ASPD. It's never dull when I'm around. Can be a good or bad thing

Me too haha

 

[Jodes]

Me too haha

I'm BPD but even so, ASPD diagnoses scare me, what a terrible label.