Anyone else have to wait?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I can't ctb for a few months at the very least, and I'm going crazy. It does give me more time to think about the decision, but at this point I'm at least 85% sure I want to ctb so waiting around is just making it worse.

Does ahyone else have to wait before they can make their decisions, due to factors outside their control? I can't obtain SN right now otherwise I'd have already kicked the bucket.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

My methods are only good enough to use in a pinch, so I also want something better.

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh dear, you're "leaving" sooner than I expected. I wish you could stay longer but I understand.

As for your question, well...
After my last attempt last August, I was a prisoner first in the hospital and then in my parents house. I was desperate to ctb but there was simply no way of doing it because I was monitored 24/7.
My anxiety and depression levels were higher than the clouds!! I was about to grab a knife and stab myself!

Then, I somehow calmed down and thought "I gotta do things right, I'll live alone again sooner or later and be able to ctb successfully."

And that's what I did, I played the nice son and patient, I got my freedom back but my hobbies, you know one of them, japanese for example, "saved my life". I'm not planning to ctb for now but if I ever do, I know I'll be able to go for it, or at least I will capable of trying it without anybody monitoring me. That makes me feel really relaxed.

Anyway, wish you the best and hope you can feel better soon, hun.

The right time will come sooner or later! :)

 

[LastWhisper]

Yes, but my factors are half-controllable, so I can speed up this process a bit, however not so much, but I know for sure that it's a question of time. Every day I come close to ctb, just a few weeks more.

 

[262653]

I'm waiting for orders. Everything is prepared, and no one will be able to stop me, except me.

 

[Keto]

I have to wait until my SN arrive. It should be next week delivered.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My reasons for waiting are a lot more superficial though. I mainly don't want to have any regrets when it comes to entertainment so for now I'll enjoy the remaining Smash DLC characters and all the cool movies coming out in 2022. I'll just have to hope there's nothing too enticing beyond 2024 otherwise I'd be screwed lol.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Oh dear, you're "leaving" sooner than I expected. I wish you could stay longer but I understand.

As for your question, well...
After my last attempt last August, I was a prisoner first in the hospital and then in my parents house. I was desperate to ctb but there was simply no way of doing it because I was monitored 24/7.
My anxiety and depression levels were higher than the clouds!! I was about to grab a knife and stab myself!

Then, I somehow calmed down and thought "I gotta do things right, I'll live alone again sooner or later and be able to ctb successfully."

And that's what I did, I played the nice son and patient, I got my freedom back but my hobbies, you know one of them, japanese for example, "saved my life". I'm not planning to ctb for now but if I ever do, I know I'll be able to go for it, or at least I will capable of trying it without anybody monitoring me. That makes me feel really relaxed.

Anyway, wish you the best and hope you can feel better soon, hun.

The right time will come sooner or later! :)

I know how you feel about being a prisoner, it sucks so bad! I am not allowed to talk about ctb anymore or my bf will be very upset with me, he thinks if I just ignore the urge it will go away. So it could be even a year before I am able to escape this world!

I think it gives you a lot of freedom to know, hey I have the option, even if you don't take it. To know that you're in control of things, cause often we have no control in this life at all. Like you say, trying to exist in the Normie world is so difficult and challenging. I am trying my best, cause I know I can't fuck myself over by giving up everything entirely for the time being, I sadly saw the consequences of this when I failed ctb.

I just hate studying my degree so much, I am feeling burnt out and exhausted everyday if I have an online class meeting and have to mask/try to hide my autism and obvious speech difficulties. Trying to seem like a normal person is nearly impossible for me.

I am so glad you are enjoying learning Japanese and it is letting you enjoy life more. I really should pick things up again but my brain fog is so bad and I don't know where to start learning again.

 

[Ame]

Presently, I am being watched like a hawk (but it seems to be loosening up a little bit now that I am crying less) and getting my hands on SN has been an uphill battle - almost the Mount Everest of uphill battles. I'm actually feeling more frustrated these days because all of my attempted work arounds to get SN from the USA have all failed. I even had a bit of a panic about potentially ending up on a "list", because one of the mail forwarders who declined my shipping request grilled me with: "You know this substance is a strong oxidizer and is therefore classified as a hazardous material. I certainly hope that you have an import license because there are risks of fines...or worse".

I really don't want to have to resort to hanging. I really don't. It's selfish, but I want a peaceful death. I want to be able to lie down in bed (maybe with my cat) and listen to recordings of the people I love so that I can pretend that I am not completely alone when I go.

 

[WornOutLife]

My reasons for waiting are a lot more superficial though. I mainly don't want to have any regrets when it comes to entertainment so for now I'll enjoy the remaining Smash DLC characters and all the cool movies coming out in 2022. I'll just have to hope there's nothing too enticing beyond 2024 otherwise I'd be screwed lol.

haha I can relate.
One of my reasons for not wanting to ctb is the anime/manga One Piece. People say we will all be dead before it finishes but I just NEED TO SEE/READ THAT ENDING!!!!
I'd even live for 100 years if it's necessary lol

 

[Aloken]

Same for me. I don't have sn yet and I'm still writing my exremely lengthy note. But I hope I'll be gone this year. I have to...I just have to

 

[DivineMedicus]

Precisely my situation. Who knew that the logistics behind suicide can be so complicated? I can't even complete the first step (obtaining SN) because Canadian customs are ruthless and very meticulous. Part of me wants to wait and see if new methods become available in the near future. I really don't wish to perform partial/full suspension because I've heard of too many failed attempts here.

 

[ashedout]

Yes, same! I have to wait for some of the border controls/covid restrictions to lessen so I can pick up everything I need in order to ctb. I will then quit my soul crushing job, hang out for a few weeks crossing stuff off a bucket list of sorts, and then it's time. Some days are harder than others to get through but knowing I have a plan in place has helped a bit.

 

[Blue Rose]

I would like to freeze myself in intense cold weather. Of course, only in the middle of the winter, it is possible.
And I must postpone my CTB. Because my boyfriend WILL take the National Exam to enter his favorite university, on Nov 2021.
I would like to die too, But I feel I MUST NOT ruin my bf's cherished dream. So I live on and endure.

 

[Life sucks]

The original reason was waiting to get or know a new peaceful method. Now I'm waiting until I do something and it will probably take long time. If the site doesn't bring new peaceful options, maybe I'll do brutal ones when I accomplish my goal.

 

[DamagedSoul]

Just trying to find/research what adapter I need to connect a nitrogen gas tank with a CGA-580 valve to a DIN first stage diving regulator. I have everything else I need and just need that component to finish the setup. The date has changed in the past and may change again. Looking at late June to give time to do some things I have been wanting to do before I ctb.

 

[Gonjoolie]

My reasons for waiting are a lot more superficial though. I mainly don't want to have any regrets when it comes to entertainment so for now I'll enjoy the remaining Smash DLC characters and all the cool movies coming out in 2022. I'll just have to hope there's nothing too enticing beyond 2024 otherwise I'd be screwed lol.

Haha that's perfectly valid. I wanna try to live to see a Season 2 of Vinland Saga animated. I think I could die happy at that point

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

yes indefinitely. it sucks

 

[iwanttodie000]

Yes. I also have to wait. But I have made a commitment that it happens this year. I want to make sure that it's successful and I don't want to rush an attempt and not have it succeed. It is torture. I want out so bad and I wish I could do it right now, but I know if I did, I would screw it up. There is a little peace in knowing I've made the decision to ctb, now things just need to come together and once they do, I'll be gone.

 

[noname223]

I want to wait. There are 2 things that could make me cross the edge. Another psychosis which is not unlikely when i start working again. Or poverty which comes if I do not work.

 

[tormennted]

Just trying to find/research what adapter I need to connect a nitrogen gas tank with a CGA-580 valve to a DIN first stage diving regulator.

Hahhah this made me laugh. You are very well prepared, wish you luck!

I would kill myself right now if I could but dont have the method yet as most people here, I assume.

 

[greyhound]

Yeah I have to wait for something to complete. I'm sort of trying different strategies to kill the time.

Started taking some drugs although not sure if this is really the best idea. I skip a few days in between but still playing with fire I think.

Trying to learn Japanese as well but motivation is lacking these days, what's the point if I will just CTB soon anyway. But I watch anime and do get mini dopamine hits when I can understand the dialogue in a scene.

Trying to get lost in some video games, it does help pass the time but sometimes feels like am I really spending my final months playing some stupid game? Been reading some books but again hard to stay motivated.

Strangely I've found that trying to recover from my chronic illness is actually the easiest way to keep going. Even though rationally it seems highly unlikely that I will get better, booking Dr. appointments and trying new medications gives me a glimmer of hope that something will change. I've found it actually a lot easier to live with some kind of hope rather than just be certain to CTB which seems to cause a lot of mental anguish and desire to just get it over with.

I think I'm in the position of old people who like sit in front of the slot machine or play the lottery. That small glimmer of hope of some happy payout makes it possible to get out of bed in the morning.

 

[LaminarFlow]

I'm waiting for the snow to melt. I plan to ctb on a mountaintop that is pretty hard to access. I painfully stockpiled there some firewood, a sleeping bag, extra clothes etc. but everything is under 6 feet of snow right now !

 

[greyhound]

I'm waiting for the snow to melt. I plan to ctb on a mountaintop that is pretty hard to access. I painfully stockpiled there some firewood, a sleeping bag, extra clothes etc. but everything is under 6 feet of snow right now !

Wow that's a pretty interesting plan. Are you planning to have your body recovered somehow or just remain there forever like on Everest?

 

[W’ren]

Yes, although recently i was almost pushed into ctb'ing earlier than i plan to by an emotional upheaval.

I have my tickets here... and know the details, both of which are so incredibly comforting,

The pain of my chronic illnesses are pushing me to ctb early. I am so devoid of hope it is hard to hold on... All i can do is take the tiny joys when they arise- and try to ride the wave of those...

My intent is to stay as long as my dog is here. He is elderly, and has given me the best years of his life- does he not deserve my loyalty, love and devotion in return as i have always shown him... right the way to his final moments and beyond?

Thing is i don't know how long he will be here. And here is my conundrum. I do NOT wish my dog ill. I want him to live forever. He is so precious to me- he is my only child in this world, please don't say he's not my child- as i cannot have children and as such i treat him and love him with such care- the vet says we have an "unusually strong bond".

But i don't want to be here. At all. And each day i feel more and more ill with a weird inner sickness over the fact i am still here and i have yet to ctb.

My bf said "but you're not depressed around me" when i tried to tell him i was down. I told him i have a great mask. He doesn't believe me... we didn't talk further about it and he left to go home.

Sigh.

(((hugs))) to everyone in this situation. It's like an endless limbo for me...

 

[LaminarFlow]

Wow that's a pretty interesting plan. Are you planning to have your body recovered somehow or just remain there forever like on Everest?

I plan to send a delayed email to the police so they can recover my body. Leave no trace ! It is a pristine and remote area and there is no easy way up. They will need a helicopter to get to me.

I feel at peace up there and like the solitude. I wish to be alone when I face the void and catch the bus. Even the journey to the summit is part of the process to remove myself from the world of the living, step by step. I will leave my life down below and once I reach the top I cannot go any further.

It just feels right.

 

[booray]

I have to wait a while to ctb so that I can make a will and generally put my affairs in order. It's the responsible thing to do but frankly, I'm so sick and tired of life that I wish I could just ctb now as I already have SN. Unfortunately, I'm not using my time very wisely because I'm so depressed that I can barely get out of bed. And my family is forcing me to waste my time on electro-convulsive therapy that I just know is not going to work. My life has gone to pieces and there is no way that I'm ever going to be able to fix it. The next few months are going to be such a struggle and I just don't have any fight left in me.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I'm only keeping myself together for Mom's sake, but even my loved ones are becoming less and less of a reason to stay. As I've mentioned on a previous post,

I blame myself for not pulling the trigger when I could have. Either the inner child that I tried so hard to smother simply refuses to give up the ghost, or the flames have not gotten close enough for me to take the plunge. The me who loved life is dead and gone. All that's left is a shambling corpse bound to the mortal plane by obligation. It's painful feigning interest when I have none, and so is going to great lengths to placate or appease others. With each passing day, I can't help but feel that I'm merely postponing the inevitable.

Precisely my situation. Who knew that the logistics behind suicide can be so complicated? I can't even complete the first step (obtaining SN) because Canadian customs are ruthless and very meticulous.

Don't even get me started. We have the strictest drug laws on the planet.

 

[DivineMedicus]

Don't even get me started. We have the strictest drug laws on the planet.

It's unfathomable how SN is so restricted here. I swear this reagent was more commonplace 2 years ago. CTB by SN ingestion is relatively rare and comprises a tiny proportion of successful attempts (there is very little media coverage too), and then BAM it's off the shelves. At this rate, might as well start banning knives, ropes, N2/He tanks, etc.

I actually don't get it.

 

[greyhound]

I am trying to hold on. Life seems so contradictory for me these days. I have some opiates and got a Narcan kit in case of OD. Trying to recover my health with astronomically expensive medication; doing potentially lethal illegal drugs but being careful to get a kit to prevent me from dying from them. All at the same time pursuing options to acquire SN and N.