Discussion Anyone else have morbid, violent thoughts?

[.............]

I keep having thoughts that I should be violently mutilated and treated like hell. For specifics, I keep thinking:

• I deserve to be raped
• I would be better off being abused
• I need to get my eyes scooped out
• I need to get bashed in the head with a concrete block until I turn into mush
• I should be shot until I'm unrecognizable but I survive so I suffer more

This stuff hurts and my rational side knows I don't deserve such extremes, but my brain constantly tells me that I deserve all of these. It makes the CTB urge stronger.

Please tell me I am not the only one.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

No, you don't deserve that. What in the world has happened that would lead you to feel that way? That's just awful :/

 

[lofticries]

I used to have a lot of over the top violent fantasies happening to myself in highschool. that was when my self harm was the worst.

but now the only really violent fantasy i have is getting shot in the head randomly.

i hate the fact that i kinda envy victims in shootings sometimes. yes i know its a very shitty thing to do.

 

[lifecouldbedream]

I have this happen as well. For me its usually related to my own suicide but they also sometimes involve grotesque murder. If anyone has an idea on the psychology behind these visions, information would be appreciated as it bothers me that I experience thoughts like this. Some of the most common visions I get:

• My family finding my corpse and wailing. My corpse is usually either just lifeless or completely unrecognizable. Sometimes I imagine what my head would look like after a shotgun blast in the mouth, and how my family would react to seeing it.
• Breaking the neck of my cat or stomping my cat to death and hanging it from the ceiling. (This is the strangest one to me as I love my cat very much)
• Chopping off my hand and dangling it in front of my mom.
• Slitting my throat/wrists open in front of whoever I'm talking to and running away in a manic craze.

 

[.............]

No, you don't deserve that. What in the world has happened that would lead you to feel that way? That's just awful :/

It was never like this at first. It just spiraled to this point.

I have this happen as well. For me its usually related to my own suicide but they also sometimes involve grotesque murder. If anyone has an idea on the psychology behind these visions, information would be appreciated as it bothers me that I experience thoughts like this. Some of the most common visions I get:

• My family finding my corpse and wailing. My corpse is usually either just lifeless or completely unrecognizable. Sometimes I imagine what my head would look like after a shotgun blast in the mouth, and how my family would react to seeing it.
• Breaking the neck of my cat or stomping my cat to death and hanging it from the ceiling. (This is the strangest one to me as I love my cat very much)
• Chopping off my hand and dangling it in front of my mom.
• Slitting my throat/wrists open in front of whoever I'm talking to and running away in a manic craze.

It just hit me now what these are which is intrusive thoughts. Look up on it more if you can.

 

[outrider567]

Nope--all my thoughts are internal

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It was never like this at first. It just spiraled to this point.

I'm very sorry you feel this way. I really can't make it better, but i can only say you don't deserve any of that. It's just your depression talking :(

 

[loststar]

I get this a lot, being made paralyzed, stabbed by a mugger, hit by a car thats jumped the curb. In an odd way theyve almost become comforting.

 

[apoptosis]

I get that all the time.

Sometimes I vividly imagine myself being gashed across my abdomen until my organs fall out, or stabbing my throat, or blowing open my skull.

For some reason it's really soothing. I even get antsy if I imagine something that doesn't quite work well for me, and I have to imagine various gory scenes until I feel calm.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Think any of it's rooted in anger?

 

[its-about-time]

Yes to your question. But different thoughts specifically. You're not alone.

 

[Klo]

I keep having thoughts that I should be violently mutilated and treated like hell. For specifics, I keep thinking:

• I deserve to be raped
• I would be better off being abused
• I need to get my eyes scooped out
• I need to get bashed in the head with a concrete block until I turn into mush
• I should be shot until I'm unrecognizable but I survive so I suffer more

This stuff hurts and my rational side knows I don't deserve such extremes, but my brain constantly tells me that I deserve all of these. It makes the CTB urge stronger.

Please tell me I am not the only one.

Well it seems that your thoughts are violent towards yourself rather than others so that is something but definitely not good. Sometimes the thought of physical pain can cover up emotional pain. I hope things get better for you

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

Definitely intrusive thoughts. They're quite unpleasant, and I'm very sorry you've been dealing with them. I know how rough reoccurring distressing thoughts can be, even though I don't have the exact ones you do, I also get them. They're the worst.

It's easy to get stuck in your head with them, especially if you have them a lot. At my worst, it was on loop every hour of every day, even in my dreams.

I know it's much easier said then done, but if you're able, try not to dwell on them. There are lots of books that discuss unwanted thoughts and how to process them, as well as therapy or medication, if those are things you are able to access and are interested in.

I wish you luck and respite from these thoughts.

 

[HappyForever?]

Yes. My mind alternates between being suicidal and homicidal.

 

[knowheretorun]

Yes. My mind alternates between being suicidal and homicidal.

Same. The homicidal urges are just impulsive thoughts as I don't really wish death to anyone, but bouts of anger can get the better of me.

 

[stupid little girl]

I have thoughts similar to yours. Maybe not as extreme, but morbid to say the least.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with those different thoughts,. I have them many times myself and I fckn hate it. You are definitely not alone in this process.

 

[whatevs]

Can't relate to this. I'm closer to the other extreme. I'm probably more of a murderer than a suicider, but it's not clear. Hopefully I end up being neither!

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Only about certain individuals who deserve to die

Who is on the list:

Any member of the US military who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan who pretends they were there for any reason but oil. If they're honest about it maybe they can be forgiven. There is nothing more shameful in my view than someone who would partake in these wars and lie saying it was something about "for freedom".

Corrupt cops

Catholics

 

[whatevs]

Only about certain individuals who deserve to die

Who is on the list:

Any member of the US military who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan who pretends they were there for any reason but oil. If they're honest about it maybe they can be forgiven. There is nothing more shameful in my view than someone who would partake in these wars and lie saying it was something about "for freedom".

Corrupt cops

Catholics

Some religious nuts are really, really good people though. Y u be hating on the Catholics?

I certainly concur with your assertions regarding these disgusting hypocrites and child murderers that went to ravage some poor countries in the desert to do the bidding of a higher, dark power and pretend it was some charitable work.

 

[Symbiote]

You're not alone, I have had many times thought that I didn't deserve a peaceful death. I've done a lot of shitty things in life that would warrant a painful death. From my last attempt to today, almost 3 years later, my thinking of a violent painful death hasn't escaped me, may have even escalated. I thought about self-mutilation before death, I pondered surviving self-immolation or even drinking antifreeze. I figure my enemies both online and off would delight in my suffering. And then after I'm dead they can chuck my body in a dumpster.

 

[Achlys]

As those above have said, you're not alone. I find it cathartic to imagine dying in different ways. I frequently think about all the ways in which I could be riddled with bullets, or the ways in which I could be cut to death, or dismembered even. I often wonder what it would feel like to have a sworn run through me. Warm, perhaps? At the moment, I feel so disgusting and I can't stop thinking that my corpse deserves nothing more than to be thrown in a landfill. I hope you can find some rest from your thoughts.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

I still on and off get thoughts about shooting myself in the gut with the shotgun I'd use, do that just before shooting myself in the head. I've done bad things in life and despite my genuine effort throughout pretty much all of my life to be a genuine and good person, I still sometimes feel I deserve to feel that bit of suffering just before dying. Let's be honest though, that's likely not going to happen, I don't even like the thought of cutting even as a means for death much less just self harm, so shooting at my gut almost definitely won't happen.

I've also had thoughts of hurting others as well, I don't think it started until I started seriously overthinking my kinda brief fixation on true crime, as if I were to turn into "one of them". I fantasize about doing it against bigots and just generally bad people, I've thought about Onision, thought about people like Blaire White and Buck Angel, even going for massive bigots from something as stupid as Twitter. Not even famous bigots by that point, just a person or people that are major assholes online that would be outright malicious towards LGBT people or POC or whatever.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Some religious nuts are really, really good people though. Y u be hating on the Catholics?

I certainly concur with your assertions regarding these disgusting hypocrites and child murderers that went to ravage some poor countries in the desert to do the bidding of a higher, dark power and pretend it was some charitable work.

If they just said "I did it for the money" I can accept it. Just another lowly paid cog . What is the difference between them and me if I drive a big rig and spew out so much carbon and burn the oil they helped to steal.

What I will not stand or tolerate is someone saying that was for freedom

I'm anti Catholic because I'm anti pedophile

 

[Glowarm]

Yes, I have violent thoughts too.

Without going into specifics, I very often see myself being literally ripped apart.

 

[Al Cappella]

I do too, but don't feel like saying. They're so damn real looking too, my imagination is a tad too good, urgh…

 

[Ligottian]

Let's just say I can relate to Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Let's just say I can relate to Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

Great film

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

If you enjoy this thoughts you are masochistic (ICD 10 Diagnose Code F65.5), and you are not the only one. 50% of the population have such fantasies.

 

[wanttodie]

yes Chopping off my arms and legs so I bleed out and die