Anyone else have a fairly decent life, but still want to ctb?

[Smellanie]

I do. I had a pretty shitty childhood, parents lost custody and I had to live with my abusive religious fundamentalist grandparents. They hit me and yelled and ect all the time but it wasnt as bad as it could be, nothing sexual or beaten senseless. I have some medical conditions (type 1 diabetes and bpd) but compared to many of you guys here I'm lucky with my health. I have a longtime boyfriend who can be really nice or really unloving and shouty, but he doesn't hit me or anything like that. I work as a janitor so pretty depressing work but meh. But I still think about dying basicly every day since childhood. Idk, just never was optimistic about the future and it's like why bother with life if its just boring and pointless?

 

[Close_to_freedom]

No

 

[Chiyuki99]

Yes, I have what others would call a perfect life.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I have a somewhat relaxed life. I have enough money to eat what I like, and my rent is paid. I don't have many responsibilities or tasks to perform. Still life seems an overwhelming prospect.

 

[HappyMstake]

I suppose from someone looking from the outsides perspective, yes. Even though I'm well off on my own I can't shake the fact that I just really don't want to be here anymore, I don't really know why but since I was about 14 I've been wanting to CTB.

Just the thought of not being alive anymore and not having to deal with disappointment or being alone in this dog eat dog world takes a load off my shoulders really.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Same... my life right now is great, except for the occasional verbal abuse from my family and no money, it's pretty relaxing and calm... just the way I want. My body is breaking down slowly with IBS and I'm addicted to heroin, but honestly I'm so glad I don't have to work or go to school, I still have nightmares 15 years later about school. Like I'm not sad or desperate or in a lot of pain, I still have good times like when I eat good food and relax and sleep or do something artistic... I know a lot of people here are in a lot of pain everyday... I no longer wake up with dread, I used to... but I learned to accept everything. I'm not worried about my appearance or being lonely, I don't have any kids or husband to worry about. But this life won't last forever and I'd love to have money for freedom. I'm just 1 death away from homelessness.

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

Yeah I have a decent life. Loving parents, comfortable finance-wise, and I have a decent job, yet I still want to ctb.

The point should be made, someone could've had a terrible life, where everything has gone wrong for them, yet they may not have depression, on the other hand you have someone who has had a very good life, and has everything they could want, yet they want to ctb. Depression can affect anyone. It's inescapable for some people. It sucks.

 

[TheSoulless]

I have a pretty good life, objectively speaking. I know many have it worse than me. I still want to die, and I try to not feel sorry about it.

 

[x51391225x]

I have a great life. I would even say I love my life. I have everything I have ever wanted except a functioning brain. I don't want to live life the way I am. Hopefully I am reincarnated as someone with a healthy brain.

 

[Claudia]

Yes I think my life is good. Very loving husband who does everything to keep me safe, financially ok, material contentment, live in a nice house in a nice town etc etc. But when you have a broken mind it's like everything has lost its colour. Obviously I know it seems like I'm sort of an asshole/ ungrateful/ should count my blessings. It's not that easy though.

 

[ItsAllTooLate]

I'm a lot better than before, and I haven't wanted to CTB for a good year. It seemed like such a foreign prospect to me. My life is much better now.. kind of. It's better in that no one's trying to hurt me and I'm being taken care of. But I keep making stupid decisions as a result of my messed up brain and I can't seem to escape it.

 

[RRH]

I had a great life, but threw it all away.

 

[GonnaGoBye]

Yep I have a great life, even though I have no dad and mom raised me all by her self. I can tell its a good life but still want to ctb tho.

 

[Smellanie]

Same... my life right now is great, except for the occasional verbal abuse from my family and no money, it's pretty relaxing and calm... just the way I want. My body is breaking down slowly with IBS and I'm addicted to heroin, but honestly I'm so glad I don't have to work or go to school, I still have nightmares 15 years later about school. Like I'm not sad or desperate or in a lot of pain, I still have good times like when I eat good food and relax and sleep or do something artistic... I know a lot of people here are in a lot of pain everyday... I no longer wake up with dread, I used to... but I learned to accept everything. I'm not worried about my appearance or being lonely, I don't have any kids or husband to worry about. But this life won't last forever and I'd love to have money for freedom. I'm just 1 death away from homelessness.

Sounds like you have it really tough ... I also had a very bad school experience and get nightmares all the time as well, I'm with you on that.

Yes I think my life is good. Very loving husband who does everything to keep me safe, financially ok, material contentment, live in a nice house in a nice town etc etc. But when you have a broken mind it's like everything has lost its colour. Obviously I know it seems like I'm sort of an asshole/ ungrateful/ should count my blessings. It's not that easy though.

Ya mentally illness really hits where it hurts

 

[Cashewmilk]

Sounds like you have it really tough ... I also had a very bad school experience and get nightmares all the time as well, I'm with you on that.

Ya mentally illness really hits where it hurts

Yeah it's inescapable. I have dreams of being at school and trying to run away from it, finding ways and tricks to leave, always. Everyone said school is normal everybody does it you'll forget and move on after finishing blah blah, but nope. It was the longest years of my life and I'm still traumatized.

 

[rhiino]

I would say if you want to suicide you cannot have a great life.

 

[Isadeth]

I've had bits of a good life then that was crushed with shitty things growing up. Then I'd feel I had a good life again, and along came another devastating event(s)... it's horrific whiplash. I'm tired. Even now, as my life could absolutely be much worse, and my husband is cooking dinner and our kids are playing, I just don't want to be here. So good and bad, then some good again (repeat). And it messes with my choice of when. In the end, I'll probably be impulsive and that'll be that. Still just waiting.

 

[x51391225x]

I would say if you want to suicide you cannot have a great life.

Having a great life doesn't have anything to do with depression and chemical imbalance, unfortunately. I think to myself often how happy I should be, yet here we are.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

My life is great ngl. I have loving parents, friends, allegedly a decent personality, I'm pretty good with college and I have enough money to by relatively nice things. Don't face any major issues or have to deal with abnormally difficult or stressful situations. My life is fine, I just can't handle anything.

 

[person123]

I would say if you want to suicide you cannot have a great life.

Lmao. So funny. I agree btw.

 

[AnniesHideaway]

I guess aspects of my life are fairly decent. I am rich and have enough money to last my natural life, I own a large house , nice car, and have created an existence for myself with very little stress.

 

[GrassFields]

I'm really fortunate to have the life that I do. I have a loving family, sincere and trustworthy friends, an education from a renown university, and a job that pays very well. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with a terminal neurological condition that is very ghastly to see into its last days, and that's why I'm on this forum. I'm torn between CTB on my own verses medically assisted dying, but the latter would only be when I'm in very advanced stages. This time last year, I wouldn't have thought I'd be looking into CTB methods.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I had a great life, but threw it all away.

Same, that's what many recent immigrants say about me. My parents were immigrants and those of us who were born here versus our peers who were born back home get a lot of flack for "wasting" the opportunity lol. It's ridiculous, like we were born here, we don't know anything else! Plus I had a very dysfunctional family, so it's really not a surprise I ended up the way I did, and severe mental illness runs on my dad's side of the family. I did have a good decent start at life I guess, but it's my mom's big mistake, she should have trusted her instinct and not listened to elders and gossip. She knew my dad was extremely messed up and they even separated once before I was born... but she made a huge mistake of going back. She could have left, and remarried a real man with her same interests to be "responsible, good reputation, security, mental well-being, neat home and cleanliness" lol... we have neighbors and family who are that way. But I think my mom is a narcissist so I don't think she would have succeeded with a normal man anyway lol.

 

[rhiino]

Having a great life doesn't have anything to do with depression and chemical imbalance, unfortunately. I think to myself often how happy I should be, yet here we are.

The point I was making included that. If you have depression or other illnesses that make your life unbearable, you cannot really have a great life, only a great life except those negative factors.

 

[Finally_Free]

I have had a very good life materially speaking. My parent's worked hard to give a lot more than they had. However, I was always very fragile mentally and a little bit withdrawn from the world. Until I depended on my parents I used my intelligence to overcome my difficulties. In the moment I was on my own life became extremely overwhelming and it's been 10 years since I'm trying to "fix" my brain but without success. Most of the time I'm extremely anxious/exhausted, felling that I could do so much more, but my functioning is broken and my life is a constant struggle. I've been always optimistic about being able to function properly, but after 10 years, 10+ doctors, unknown diagnostics, many major depression events, moving house, moving continent, changing relationships, I got to a point of hopelessness and being tired of living life without enjoying it.

 

[raisondetre]

Physically, I have no issues. Everything's all mental. People are surprised I'm suicidal because it's "all in my brain" but that's precisely the problem. It feels impossible to escape it.

I've always wondered why I ended up like this..and then I found the term "Childhood Emotional Neglect" and it resonates perfectly and describes the complete lack of emotional closeness I have with others, and my potential BPD diagnosis... Unfortunately some of us are just born sensitive to an unforgiving world.

 

[Mr.Mediocre]

no if my life was good I wouldnt be here.

 

[I screwed up]

From outside my life looks normal .physically I am perfectly fit.. But only I know my mental state.