Discussion Anyone else going to try to recover while also planning to ctb?

[usernamesarehard]

Pretty much the title.

I planned on ctb November 30th of next year. I talked to a friend and now I'm questioning my choice.

I plan on asking my psyc for zoloft since it helped improve my mood and I need something to help with my mood(I'm already on wellbutrin and it helps with energy, but not mood). I'm also coming to terms with the idea that I might have social anxiety and am going to take steps to work on that. I want a partner, preferably sometime soon as I want someone to grow with, not try to look for already successful guys in my 30s. I bought a camera recently, so I also plan on taking mini trips on the weekends to go places to take pictures. I'm debating if I want to be a volunteer at an animal shelter. I start work pretty late (2pm) and would like to have something to do in the morning. I'm going to take steps to try to improve my quality of life.

But I also plan on booking an abnb for next November. I want something to look forward to. I'm also taking my method with me and cutting everyone off. I also plan on making all the necessary preparations for if I do die (adding beneficiaries, writing notes, making funeral arrangements). I don't know if next November will be a nice month-long vacation or the last month before I ctb.

 

[Redacted24]

Yep!
Although I'm still planning my disappearance (since late 2023 but with no fixed date), I'm also working to get out of my toxic life to see if that helps my mental state some.

If life does get better after liberation...well I'll still have my plan and means as insurance (and comfort)
If life is irretrievable regardless, then too easy to go silent, break connections, organize papers, and return my body to nature.

But first I want to try ending my life - as it is now. Then determine if ending it physically is called for.

Good luck to us!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I suspect (or hope) I will CTB eventually. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. In the meantime, I don't exactly plan to recover but, neither do I want things to get worse. In fact, I'm currently realising I need to work on my health and mood so that things aren't so difficult. I doubt anything I would do now will make life feel worthwhile but, I need to make it easier to get through.

 

[wham311]

I'm doing a bad job of both

 

[Almost Dead]

Makes total sense to me yeah. I mean if you think about it, either way we're all going to end up dead, whether it's sooner or later or planned or spontaneous, so... if one has the capabilities & resources to attempt to make life less painful in the meantime, might as well try to utilize them. I wish you luck with recovery!

 

[SailorBlue]

Yes, me.
I give myself a deadline to fix things in my life. If it doesn't work, I will ctb. That gives me enough time to put everything in order.

I wish you all the best.

 

[BlueLock]

Yes. I'm realizing I just can't ctb--survival instincts and all--so I'll try to get better and find ways to make life enjoyable or just bearable. I still have rope hidden under my bed and I'm not throwing it out anytime soon, it brings me a lot of comfort to know it's there and I hypothetically can check out anytime I want.

 

[getoutgirl]

Ok so I did this and I can't fully recommend it.

Back in september of last year I bought two notebooks.
One for suicide thoughts and planning, and the other for life planning and recovery. Thought I would work on both as I couldn't get either out of my head. Juggle the two along with the days I felt more drawn to one of the other. Little by little each.

So flashforward to january 1st. I revisited them and I had written about 30 pages in the recovery one. And ~150 in the suicide one if I remember :)
so not great
And by late january I had a mini botched attempt, and another in april I didn't even went through. Both of which I had planned through out the prior months slowly, thinking of them daily as I allowed myself to work on them along with the living stuff, which seemed a lot less appealing in contrast.

So my only warning after this vent, is that it can be counter productive to work on both sides at the same time. Which is obvious, but you should take it into account if you want to prioritize recovery. Allowing yourself time to plan and think of your death that much can end up swallowing the other plan, quite easily.

But I also plan on booking an abnb for next November. I want something to look forward to. I'm also taking my method with me and cutting everyone off. I also plan on making all the necessary preparations for if I do die (adding beneficiaries, writing notes, making funeral arrangements). I don't know if next November will be a nice month-long vacation or the last month before I ctb.

All this for example is a lot of time you'd dedicate to this. Which would be understandable if you intended to do it. But other than that it helps in nothing but easing you further into doing it, and away from the recovery side. For one I hope you don't mean cut everyone off as of right now until november, as that would be a killer and a big No no imo.
It is very hard to ask to ignore the suicide part completely, but from my experience I wouldn't advise you take the two paths as equals or view them at the same level. One is extremely detrimental to the other.
You do you in the end.

In any case I'm glad you are trying hard with your recovery. Love the idea of taking photo trips, and the volunteering. Try those if you can I'm sure they could help. Take those steps and take it easy on yourself. Hugs <3

 

[usernamesarehard]

Ok so I did this and I can't fully recommend it.

Back in september of last year I bought two notebooks.
One for suicide thoughts and planning, and the other for life planning and recovery. Thought I would work on both as I couldn't get either out of my head. Juggle the two along with the days I felt more drawn to one of the other. Little by little each.

So flashforward to january 1st. I revisited them and I had written about 30 pages in the recovery one. And ~150 in the suicide one if I remember :)
so not great
And by late january I had a mini botched attempt, and another in april I didn't even went through. Both of which I had planned through out the prior months slowly, thinking of them daily as I allowed myself to work on them along with the living stuff, which seemed a lot less appealing in contrast.

Thank you for this response. I know you said it was counter productive, but having two notebooks does kind of sound like an interesting idea, it would be nice to see how my thoughts have changed over the months/years (if it gets to that point). I already have a diary that I write in. It's pretty interesting to see the thoughts I had in the past. Some of them were very insightful and others were extremely cringe inducing. I guess this site is kind of a suicide notebook already. I post a lot to try to vent about the way I'm feeling. (Honestly I think I can be pretty melodramatic at times and if I don't ctb I'll laugh/cringe about my suicidal thoughts).

If I do decide to do this though, I'm going to force myself to write something in both whenever I do write. I already write a lot about my suicidal thoughts and negative feelings in my diary, having to FORCE myself to think of good things to write about might actually be good for me.

So my only warning after this vent, is that it can be counter productive to work on both sides at the same time. Which is obvious, but you should take it into account if you want to prioritize recovery. Allowing yourself time to plan and think of your death that much can end up swallowing the other plan, quite easily.

I'm still undecided on what I want to do. There was a time when I had hope and wanted recovery and for things to get better, but I wasn't on this website during that time. I think if I REALLY wanted to recover, I wouldn't even be typing this reply to you.

For one I hope you don't mean cut everyone off as of right now until november, as that would be a killer and a big No no imo.
It is very hard to ask to ignore the suicide part completely, but from my experience I wouldn't advise you take the two paths as equals or view them at the same level. One is extremely detrimental to the other.
You do you in the end.

No, I'm definitely not cutting everyone off until November, honestly the only reason I'm even looking into recovering is because I talked to a friend. My plan was to cut everyone off in November to give them time away from me. So November 1, 2026 I'd mass block pretty much everyone in my contacts save for a few specific people. I guess I hope it'll help make it hurt less. I know it won't though.

In any case I'm glad you are trying hard with your recovery. Love the idea of taking photo trips, and the volunteering. Try those if you can I'm sure they could help. Take those steps and take it easy on yourself. Hugs <3

Thanks! I guess if I'm going to force myself to to be here for over another year, I might as well TRY to feel better. I've been pretty depressed and suicidal since highschool, but never really put in any amount of effort into trying to feel better.

Ok so I did this and I can't fully recommend it.

Back in september of last year I bought two notebooks.
One for suicide thoughts and planning, and the other for life planning and recovery. Thought I would work on both as I couldn't get either out of my head. Juggle the two along with the days I felt more drawn to one of the other. Little by little each.

So flashforward to january 1st. I revisited them and I had written about 30 pages in the recovery one. And ~150 in the suicide one if I remember :)
so not great
And by late january I had a mini botched attempt, and another in april I didn't even went through. Both of which I had planned through out the prior months slowly, thinking of them daily as I allowed myself to work on them along with the living stuff, which seemed a lot less appealing in contrast.

I'm really sorry you went through all that and I'm happy that your attempts didn't work. You've provided me with some very insightful information and I'm sure you've helped others who are also trying to recover. I hope you're doing well now.

Lastly, I'll say I know 100% I should probably take your advice and focus solely on recovering. And if I want to ctb later, then I can focus on that. But, idk. I still haven't made a choice one way or the other and the thought of forcing myself to stay even longer just to get my affairs in order doesn't sound appealing to me.

 

[pleasexbexover]

I suspect (or hope) I will CTB eventually. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. In the meantime, I don't exactly plan to recover but, neither do I want things to get worse. In fact, I'm currently realising I need to work on my health and mood so that things aren't so difficult. I doubt anything I would do now will make life feel worthwhile but, I need to make it easier to get through.

You literally sound like me before my mom died

 

[getoutgirl]

Yes having a diary is very useful like that. And I wished I had forced myself from the beginning to write in both instead of just the suicide one every time. That can be a good compromise and sort of push you to think good things, won't deny that.
But, and sorry to still be a party pooper bout it lol, it also has its downside with the other way around. You would also be keeping constant plans of suicide with you, puting it at the same level of the recovery one and having this physical reminder. Its like someone working on a project daily, and also daily switching to writing on the ways it will fail. That usually doesn't help. It's a split mind, and it can veer to one more than the other.
I'm just telling you this just so you keep it in mind as I wouldn't want this affecting you negatively. In the end it's figuring out what works for you. If this you think would do, go for it. If you are going to have suicidal thoughts anyway might aswell record them, see how they evolve and maybe decrease in time. But be wary of how doing that might lessen the recovery side too thats all.

I'm still undecided on what I want to do. There was a time when I had hope and wanted recovery and for things to get better, but I wasn't on this website during that time. I think if I REALLY wanted to recover, I wouldn't even be typing this reply to you.

And about this, I don't think being here or typing these things has anything to do with wanting to recover. When you are suicidal a big chink of you doesn't want to recover, it wants to die. That is kind of the gist of it. Some days it is harder to even see if you ever want to recover at all, or to feel that. I think you are doing a splendid job already with the things you are trying, and you have a ton of time until the date you've set for yourself to see how it all works out.
You have about a year and a half, I hope that if you keep up with all this and take it easy you may see a lot of improvement. My only worry then would be that if you sink into the suicidal planning you'd want to hurry up that deadline. But if you are set on waiting till then to see how you are, I'm sure you'll be fine. Do what you think is best for you until then. Lots of hugs <3