Discussion Anyone else feels like not wanting to and being unable to be saved?

[Road_To_Nowhere]

Lately I've been having more suicidal fantasies than usual, I plan to leave via N.
Over the course of my life I've been suicidal several times since I was a teenager. However, over the years I have made efforts to communicate my depression and hardships to many of my friends, who, of course, have given me support, and done everything they could to "save" me from suicide.
Previously, my suicidal fantasies were fueled by anger towards my family, and only lately have I realized that my worst enemy is me, and that I'm responsible, and have lived an empty life, just to please others, never knowing what I wanted.
Now my friends and family continue to support me through this difficult time, but I feel like it's not enough anymore, and I feel guilty. I feel like I don't want to go to therapy, I feel like I don't want to be saved by anyone, and I feel like I have no way out. I just want an end to this pain and an uncertain, probably hard future where I have to make plans that will never work out and where I will never be satisfied, just as I have not been so far. I cannot keep on living for others, and I will never learn to live for myself, since I despite my body and inexistent personality
Does anyone else feel this way? That despite the support they receive, they feel like it's all for naught?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, there is nothing that could ever make me want to live, I would be suicidal no matter what happened, it is just the way I am. I see life as being just meaningless suffering and I find life to be really tiring. I personally see it as better to not tell others about wanting to ctb, I choose to keep everything to myself. I am sorry that you are suffering so much, I could never live for the sake of others. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

I agree with you that it's better not to talk about suicide with others. Can I ask you why you feel like this?

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree with you that it's better not to talk about suicide with others. Can I ask you why you feel like this?

I feel this way because I simply prefer the sound of non existence, I do not like living at all, I never feel well. I see life itself as being the problem, I have never wanted to be alive and I am not meant for this world. I struggle to cope with life. I do not want to live in a world where so much suffering exists.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I know this to be a fact when it comes to my own life. I have no interest in being saved because the circumstances for that to occur are almost impossible.

 

[aludnelac]

i think in a lot of ways, over time you begin to realize that "being saved" just means finding some kind of cope or excuse to continue living on physically, while your emotional mind and will continues to deteriorate; eventually you reach a point where wanting to continue this farce feels too difficult and you start to truly give up on everything, including some kind of fantasy hope you might have believed before.. it just becomes easier to submit to a predictable end result of death than to keep trying to fight for the vagueness and disappointment turned to increased suffering that living continues to bring many.. :c

 

[Sea Turtle]

I feel like I have "support" or access to "support" if I want to now, but it's too little too late. Support won't change the past, it won't change what happened, and it maybe can patch me up like tape on a shattered glass door but… it doesn't make me whole again? It can't change the world, it doesn't change my fundamental beliefs about the right to die, it doesn't change that adulthood is years upon years of slaving away until our health fails us. Some part of me wishes it all could be different, some part of me is at peace with inevitable death.

 

[downsolong]

funny you should say being saved. for two weeks now i have been in a shelter in a christian mission where the solution to anything is god, specifically through jesus.
being nonreligious, this is a source of additional dismay and confusion.
but there are plenty of suicidal people here, and it has been a relief to talk irl about it without condemnation.
the few family i have left want me to have hope, get better, as if something now is going to magically occur through some miraculous effort on my part, something which has eluded me for my now sixty years here in this place.
bleh.
i had started asking them to just accept that my life is over and to please just help me in ending it without added trauma. mistake, so now i pretend, hide, stay quiet.
i am thankful to have this place where i can ease into death in peace.

 

[ClownMe]

I don't see how I can be saved at this point, im just miserable all the time.

 

[solisoccasus]

Lately I've been having more suicidal fantasies than usual, I plan to leave via N.
Over the course of my life I've been suicidal several times since I was a teenager. However, over the years I have made efforts to communicate my depression and hardships to many of my friends, who, of course, have given me support, and done everything they could to "save" me from suicide.
Previously, my suicidal fantasies were fueled by anger towards my family, and only lately have I realized that my worst enemy is me, and that I'm responsible, and have lived an empty life, just to please others, never knowing what I wanted.
Now my friends and family continue to support me through this difficult time, but I feel like it's not enough anymore, and I feel guilty. I feel like I don't want to go to therapy, I feel like I don't want to be saved by anyone, and I feel like I have no way out. I just want an end to this pain and an uncertain, probably hard future where I have to make plans that will never work out and where I will never be satisfied, just as I have not been so far. I cannot keep on living for others, and I will never learn to live for myself, since I despite my body and inexistent personality
Does anyone else feel this way? That despite the support they receive, they feel like it's all for naught?

I have been keeping myself busy just to be distracted from the thought coz there's this mindset that someone would care but I gues that's just that. When i'm alone specially at night when my mind's too idle, I couldn't think of anything else other than no one wouldn't go that far to save me and it's prolly too late coz I don't wanna be saved anymore.

 

[rationaltake]

I'm finished. I will never accept this body or these memories. People care about me but I can't even meet up with them. It all hurts too much.

 

[Starryeyes]

I really feel like once that suicidal button in my brain was flicked it can't be unflicked

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

I'm sorry you all feel like this.
I don't know you and I don't know your story. I just wish there was a way to live a worthy life for everyone.
What was the effect of therapy on you guys?

 

[Sarainia Angelsong]

I can't be saved, and my Bf and Daughter are gonna miss me alot I'm sure.

 

[Area Man]

Yes, I've been condemned by everyone pretty much. It's not worth continuing for a multitude of reasons which are too complicated or just innate to me being alive here. I'm one of the unwanted.