Venting Anyone else feeling ashamed of themselves?

[stoplmp]

I have something that, between my other reasons to CTB, might be *one* of my biggest ones.


Feeling ashamed of myself.



When I say feel ashamed, I'm talking about literally cringing, from the cringe word.
I just have to think about something I did in the past, and I instantly cringe. Doesn't even need to be something huge or extremely cringey, just something that I think that it's cringe, then it's an instant trigger for me.

In the exact moment I cringe, I pull my fingers to my head in a gun format, as if I were to shoot myself in the head. It's automatic and instant.

It's kinda dangerous when I'm in a public space, because of course seeing someone put their fingers in their head as a gun is absolutely not normal, but well, on what could I be normal anymore at this point?

 

[Ambivalent1]

Whenever I pull out my food stamp card, I am judged. The shame!

 

[J&L383]

There are some things I'd rather have not done.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

All the time, for too many reasons.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

Damn I feel this. Just thinking about dumb stupid shit I've done in the past makes me so uncomfortable and violently angry with myself ("WHY THE FUCK DID I DO/SAY THAT OMFGGG"). I've started automatically scratching at my wrists when I think about that kinda thing, and I think the people around me have started to take notice.

The only advice I could possibly give you is to leave that shit in the past. Own it. Growing from the cringe-inducing things we do in the past is something we do AUTOMATICALLY. "Wow that was some dumb stupid shit I would never do that today". That's some primal, "operant conditioning", natural selection shit. Every time that you've done something dumb or shameful or embarrassing, it's made you better, and less likely to do that kinda thing in the future.

If that doesn't help, then what I do is take solace in the fact that it won't matter. In a few years I'll be gone and in a few decades everyone who saw my fuck ups will be gone as well. They probably don't think about it now, they definitely won't remember it by the time I'm gone. Plus, I can't cringe if I'm in the void.

 

[Dliena]

Sigh yep all the time my entire life for me as well but I guess it's more of how I tend to interact on here too as I'm just not even okay nor cut out at anything. I can't open myself up without feeling like total crap tho I guess it be actually physically painful anyways tbf. Hell this doesn't make any sense to anybody reading this probably and that's the issue with me. Shot!

 

[Finalnight]

I'm ashamed for existing, for being Autistic, and having OCD with awful intrusive thoughts I'm unable to control no matter how hard I try

 

[yyytry]

Whenever I pull out my food stamp card, I am judged. The shame!

You do know that you can use your EBT card with Instacart.

 

[Ambivalent1]

You do know that you can use your EBT card with Instacart.

Really? And they deliver it to your door?

 

[rozeske]

All the time. My days are filled with cringe moments and memories. I'm sure everyone else thinks the same when they notice my actions and how i behave. But i guess it is who I am at my core and nothing I can do to change it.

 

[Ash]

Oh yes

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I'm not ashamed of myself. Why would I be? Yes, I'm not compatible with the world or with being a human but I'm not ashamed of that because I never consented to existence to begin with. I mainly hate other people and the world instead. I deserve peace via permanent non existence

 

[Denis]

Im finding myself constantly ruminating about insignificant bullshit, which angers me, but feels impossible to do anything about it, if you're caught in this vicious cycle. Very strange and stupid.

 

[SuicidalTiger]

I've got nowhere else to put this, so I will say it here.
I grew up on 4chan, roughly around 2012 I joined, and I got sucked into /pol/ for years…

Because of that I hate myself, I am mixed race, I have pale white skin, black hair and brown eyes. I hate that I cannot change this, I am not like anyone else, and I hate myself for this and my mother and father for ever choosing to do this. I will never get rid of this, even if people try to use logical arguments, 'Oh they're just racist edgelords, incels, they are just this, that, and other.' it is too far rooted into my psyche. It is my psyche.
I spent my youth with internet neo-nazis who hate me, and it made me hate myself too. I feel ugly, hideous and wrong. Now, I spend time researching due to my Ph.D. and I come across articles that show that most people, most humans, find blond hair, blue eyes, pale and thin to be the most attractive set of genetics.

The halo effect means that people who are considered 'pretty' get treated better, and that because of my autism most people find me intolerable.
I hate myself and I want to die. I wish I were never born, I cannot stand to look at myself in a mirror.