Venting anyone else feel "fine" but still want to CTB?

[3FailedAttemptss]

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "getting better" and how alien that feels to me. People in the ward always talk about recovery like there's this baseline of happiness you return to once the illness is treated, but I don't think that baseline exists for me >w<

I'm currently awaiting a schizophrenia diagnosis (assessment is in a few days), and while I have symptoms, my desire to CTB doesn't feel like a symptom. It doesn't feel like a sickness I need to cure. It feels like a logical conclusion TwT

I feel like there is this stereotype that to be suicidal, you have to be miserable, crying, and hating life 24/7 ; - ; But my experience is completely different. I genuinely feel fine. I don't feel "sad" in the traditional sense. The realization hit me when I looked back at my time in Japan. Objectively, that was the "happiest" I have ever been ^^ I was living my dream, I was functioning, I was "fine." And yet, that is exactly where I made my first and second attempts owo It didn't come from a place of misery; it came from a place of... I don't know, logic? It felt like the right time to "tap out" on a high note. If that was me at my peak, if that was the best life is ever going to get and I still tried to leave, then what is the point of recovering? qwq

I realized that even at my happiest, I'm not actually happy. The "best" version of my life is still one where I don't want to be here. It feels weird when people ask how I'm going to recover from something that doesn't feel like an illness, but just feels like… me. I just feel like my lifespan is naturally shorter than others, and I'm okay with that.٩( 'ω' )و

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I agree. The idea of "getting better" assumes there's a happy baseline to return to, and for some of us that baseline just… never existed. You can be functional, even living the dream, and still feel like opting out makes sense without being miserable 24/7. That doesn't mean you're faking wellness or refusing recovery, it means the usual story doesn't fit you specifically.