Anyone else experience ctb thoughts in this way?

[Opisen]

I live with social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, and gender dysphoria. I also have chronic pain which is incredibly inconvenient.

Was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 2017 but I don't really feel depressed in my day-to-day life anymore. However, I have ongoing ctb thoughts. The way I see it, I could imagine myself living til I'm 80, but I could also absolutely see myself ctb in the next few months or weeks. Could go either way at this point.
I don't feel miserable or worthless. I think I'm a good friend, partner, employee. I am motivated and I do enjoy some aspects of life. But I also hate the direction the world is going in and I could do without the chronic pain, anxiety, executive dysfunction and minority stress.

Choosing between an uncomfortable life with anxiety, pain, stress, but some good moments mixed in vs eternal (presumably) peace? Seems to me that the answer is an obvious one?

Anyone else feel like this? Not necessarily feeling depressed, and yet, desiring death? Didn't want to talk to therapist or anyone in my personal life about this for obvious reasons. Just curious and I guess looking for solidarity.

 

[Slasher]

Holy shit you described my situation perfectly, rn i am living pretty comfortably except from mentall illness an such but i can't see myself living till 30 its a gamble at this point. Glad you made this post. Wish you the best of luck :).

 

[iceteadrinker]

idk if this one is similar but my biggest reason is to escape responsibilities. At least for right now i feel stable because i don't go to school or go to work etc. currently, but in some point i will have to take that kind of a responsibility; which i don't really want to. if i would have a regular source of money which i will not work myself for it, maybe i wouldn't die idk

 

[jonghyun]

you're totally not alone, its the thought and feeling that life is generally too much effort and way more suffering than good moments. But its not like you can't be happy EVER - there are some times (at least for me, and i think you too) where you don't want to die and you're having a good time. But then its the realisation that the good times never last. And life is just more suffering than is worth it to experience those good moments, so the option of checking out forever seems an attractive one. I think the only two options are to come to terms with this and live (as in, make the most out of the good situations and accept that the bad ones won't last forever as well)... or.. dont... idk. This is the main reason i want to ctb and also the reason I feel 'invalidated' sometimes. because my life hasn't been so terrible that i'm constantly depressed, its just when i think about living and life in general - it's too exhausting and doesnt seem worth the efforts