lobster salad
overcooked :(
- Aug 27, 2020
- 246
I think I am. I'm just bored of living and there's nothing to be excited about the future for me. Everything is so boring and unfulfilling and even if it's not at first, it eventually becomes. I don't have physical disabilities, I don't even have any diagnosed mental illness.
I've had some setbacks in life which is probably nothing to some of you; being constantly forced to do things I hated, parenting by threats, being hit for every wrong question asked as a kid, my poor grades which mean I'll probably never make it to university, repeating years in secondary school, zero social skills, zero motivation, low interests in many things, stupidity and incompetence, having no irl lasting friends, being a weirdo, internally tired and arrogant all time, poor memory, boring as a person, retarded at everything as well as rejection.
It's just so damn tiring doing this shit for nothing. All our progress and work in society is going to get burned by the suns great expansion in 5 billion years anyways so what the fuck is the point. I'm living my life by minor distractions currently but even these distractions are getting boring and unbearable. My lack of motivation and vision of a point in life is such a plague and it's dragging me down completely. Ive tried numerous times to find a motivation but my built-in pessimism shuts everything down. I want to change but deep inside something is just fucking up which makes me incapable of change for the better. Being last in class just became something to accept more than something to work out of. I've thought of moving out of the country or making other improvements to my living environment but I think it'll just be a matter of time before I revert to my old self and just start loathing life again.
It's so annoying when someone says don't kill yourself over a failed exam or a rejection and that I've been through nothing when it's really more than that. I've been failing everything the moment my parents stopped holding my hands with the homework. In fact I've never done a piece of homework on my own without the scenario of them and teachers holding threats in front of me. Its just not as simple as I'll study next time and things are great. It's not as simple as oh there are billions of other girls out there. There are so many females out there but there's only so few compatible partners.
studying just for money in the future, just to fulfill my indulgences, just for job security, just for holidaying and getting laid... is just not a good enough reason to warrant all that effort to me. And also being lazy to talk to people and lazy to be social, attend parties or gatherings has made me so weird, outcasted, a loser, and now I have anxiety whenever I need to be social. I feel that everyone is judging everyone else at every point we see, hear, smell or read about one another and the easiest escape from this horror is to just shut up and not be present in those situations anyways. and while this has been a great strategy, it has ruined me.
My life is just starting sure but it's already shit as it can be? I've been through nothing and it already makes me not want to feel "something". And when I complain they'd just say oh it's not that bad. Others had traumas and incurable diseases, poverty. Well I've been beaten and threatened many times as a little boy but I doubt it's enough to say i have childhood trauma from abuse but god damn. When u say it's bad the only answers you get are it could be worse. And it never gets better. Whenever it seems to get better it just gets a lot worse right after.
I remember when I was six, I said "life sucks man. Maybe when I'm 12 it'll be better". When I reached 12 it was worse than it was before. Then it just kept getting worse and here I am at 18, and about to enter a college for the stupid people in my shithole country. Some older people I've spoke to said 18 was the peak of their life and they want to be "forever 18" but I'm really not having it. Turning 18 really used to be the dream for me as a young child but now it's just like huhh so I can buy booze and I can get a drivers license. Great!!! , like these things make it any better. It's not the dream it looked like then. It's the same shit!! and I'm sure it's gonna be the same way if I find the love of my life I seek so badly now. Shucks I'm spoilt I guess. And having to think it's only going to get worse. I know I feel terrible now but I acknowledge that 30, 40 50 year olds have it much much worse than me. Jobs, responsibilities, taxes, relationships, aging. What can I even look forward to? Even more troubles as my age adds up?
I've had some setbacks in life which is probably nothing to some of you; being constantly forced to do things I hated, parenting by threats, being hit for every wrong question asked as a kid, my poor grades which mean I'll probably never make it to university, repeating years in secondary school, zero social skills, zero motivation, low interests in many things, stupidity and incompetence, having no irl lasting friends, being a weirdo, internally tired and arrogant all time, poor memory, boring as a person, retarded at everything as well as rejection.
It's just so damn tiring doing this shit for nothing. All our progress and work in society is going to get burned by the suns great expansion in 5 billion years anyways so what the fuck is the point. I'm living my life by minor distractions currently but even these distractions are getting boring and unbearable. My lack of motivation and vision of a point in life is such a plague and it's dragging me down completely. Ive tried numerous times to find a motivation but my built-in pessimism shuts everything down. I want to change but deep inside something is just fucking up which makes me incapable of change for the better. Being last in class just became something to accept more than something to work out of. I've thought of moving out of the country or making other improvements to my living environment but I think it'll just be a matter of time before I revert to my old self and just start loathing life again.
It's so annoying when someone says don't kill yourself over a failed exam or a rejection and that I've been through nothing when it's really more than that. I've been failing everything the moment my parents stopped holding my hands with the homework. In fact I've never done a piece of homework on my own without the scenario of them and teachers holding threats in front of me. Its just not as simple as I'll study next time and things are great. It's not as simple as oh there are billions of other girls out there. There are so many females out there but there's only so few compatible partners.
studying just for money in the future, just to fulfill my indulgences, just for job security, just for holidaying and getting laid... is just not a good enough reason to warrant all that effort to me. And also being lazy to talk to people and lazy to be social, attend parties or gatherings has made me so weird, outcasted, a loser, and now I have anxiety whenever I need to be social. I feel that everyone is judging everyone else at every point we see, hear, smell or read about one another and the easiest escape from this horror is to just shut up and not be present in those situations anyways. and while this has been a great strategy, it has ruined me.
My life is just starting sure but it's already shit as it can be? I've been through nothing and it already makes me not want to feel "something". And when I complain they'd just say oh it's not that bad. Others had traumas and incurable diseases, poverty. Well I've been beaten and threatened many times as a little boy but I doubt it's enough to say i have childhood trauma from abuse but god damn. When u say it's bad the only answers you get are it could be worse. And it never gets better. Whenever it seems to get better it just gets a lot worse right after.
I remember when I was six, I said "life sucks man. Maybe when I'm 12 it'll be better". When I reached 12 it was worse than it was before. Then it just kept getting worse and here I am at 18, and about to enter a college for the stupid people in my shithole country. Some older people I've spoke to said 18 was the peak of their life and they want to be "forever 18" but I'm really not having it. Turning 18 really used to be the dream for me as a young child but now it's just like huhh so I can buy booze and I can get a drivers license. Great!!! , like these things make it any better. It's not the dream it looked like then. It's the same shit!! and I'm sure it's gonna be the same way if I find the love of my life I seek so badly now. Shucks I'm spoilt I guess. And having to think it's only going to get worse. I know I feel terrible now but I acknowledge that 30, 40 50 year olds have it much much worse than me. Jobs, responsibilities, taxes, relationships, aging. What can I even look forward to? Even more troubles as my age adds up?
If you read all that I wanna say thanks because it took me an hour for my retarded mind to type all that out. Also I am expecting older members to bash me in the replies for my naïve outlook at life. Just feels like I'm trapped and ctb is the best option. I'm only 18, I feel like a 10 year old tho, lol.
