Anyone else born to older parents?

[betternever2havbeen]

It fucking sucks. I didn't really mind or notice it growing up cos my parents were both super healthy so I thought they'd both live well into their 90s. Plus I didn't really worry about the future or realise how bad life can get. Then both my parents got cancer when I was in my teens-my mum thankfully beat it but my dad eventually died in my early 20s. Now only having a mother (who I know I'm lucky to even have) to lean on in this world is very daunting and scary. There will be no one else at Christmas or any special occasion. Maybe one of my siblings will pop in, but that's it. I don't really get on with them, if I did I suppose things might be different but they are no support to me and don't care. Other than cousins who are spread all over the world I have no one. I'm now mid-30s and probably don't have a right to moan about this but I hate not having a proper family unit. I have no desire to make one of my own and wouldn't put an innocent kid through life. So I'm stuck either waiting til my mum dies to CTB or do it sooner.

I don't know if I can face another loss in my life (it'll be the last one) I take bereavements very very badly-I literally know I will take my mothers death way worse than she will take mine.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Yes. My mom was about 39 when she had me.

She died at 47.

My dad was maybe in his mid-thirties when I was born.

He's still around - 72.

All of my older siblings are in their 40's and 50's, while I am 35.

It sucks knowing that I will probably outlive all of them, even though I am the one who wants to die.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I'm sorry your mum died so young that is rough! My mum was early 40s when I was born, my dad was 50! My mum don't care or understand all she can say is "nothing I can do about it now" or "we didn't seem that old at the time"...no one gives a crap how I feel about it. My siblings got all that extra time with our parents and grandparents but they don't see it like that, one of them doesn't even care about family so it was totally wasted on him. I just want my old family back.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It fucking sucks. I didn't really mind or notice it growing up cos my parents were both super healthy so I thought they'd both live well into their 90s. Plus I didn't really worry about the future or realise how bad life can get. Then both my parents got cancer when I was in my teens-my mum thankfully beat it but my dad eventually died in my early 20s. Now only having a mother (who I know I'm lucky to even have) to lean on in this world is very daunting and scary. There will be no one else at Christmas or any special occasion. Maybe one of my siblings will pop in, but that's it. I don't really get on with them, if I did I suppose things might be different but they are no support to me and don't care. Other than cousins who are spread all over the world I have no one. I'm now mid-30s and probably don't have a right to moan about this but I hate not having a proper family unit. I have no desire to make one of my own and wouldn't put an innocent kid through life. So I'm stuck either waiting til my mum dies to CTB or do it sooner.

I don't know if I can face another loss in my life (it'll be the last one) I take bereavements very very badly-I literally know I will take my mothers death way worse than she will take mine.

My mom passed last year. She was 88. I'm in my 50s. She was the last remaining relative I had. My (paternal) sister passed a few years ago. My dad died over 20 years ago. All my uncles and aunts have passed away. I don't have any children, either, and never got married. I now find myself alone. This is the most alone I have ever been in my life. Although I've been wanting to ctb for quite some time, almost 20 years, I knew my mom would need me as she got older, so I stuck around. Now, there's nothing keeping me around, anymore, so I'm working towards getting my affairs in order, and when I do, I plan on leaving, as well. I know you said you have a sibling (maybe more?), but the one thing I can say is it is a very strange feeling to be the "last" one left, to no longer have anyone who loves you, to be the one "left behind". It's surreal. I know I'll develop health issues as I get older, worse than the ones I have already, and there is no comfort in the thought that there is no one for help, or even just support, when that happens. This kind of math doesn't work for me, and is one of the main reasons I have to go.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@locked*n*loaded sorry to hear about your mom passing, that has to be tough. I have 2 older brothers but I barely speak to them and they don't speak to each other...if it wasn't for that I'd still have some semblance of a family. I expect to be in your position by age 40 most likely. Once my mother passes I don't see myself having any relationship with my siblings (and they don't have kids either so no nephews/nieces). It's scary for me to think about, I know some cope better than others and rely on friends etc. but sadly I'm not well enough to keep up any friendships anymore. No relationship either.

It feels so weird when everyone else has loads of family, I never even had a big family to begin with. I don't want loads of relatives I just want there to be some sort of family unit. My mum is getting on now and she's the only one I have and she probably "loves me but doesn't like me" cos of my depression and misery. If anything happens to her I'll be totally screwed and then I will CTB for sure if not sooner.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position it's not a nice place to be.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

@locked*n*loaded sorry to hear about your mom passing, that has to be tough. I have 2 older brothers but I barely speak to them and they don't speak to each other...if it wasn't for that I'd still have some semblance of a family. I expect to be in your position by age 40 most likely. Once my mother passes I don't see myself having any relationship with my siblings (and they don't have kids either so no nephews/nieces). It's scary for me to think about, I know some cope better than others and rely on friends etc. but sadly I'm not well enough to keep up any friendships anymore. No relationship either.

It feels so weird when everyone else has loads of family, I never even had a big family to begin with. I don't want loads of relatives I just want there to be some sort of family unit. My mum is getting on now and she's the only one I have and she probably "loves me but doesn't like me" cos of my depression and misery. If anything happens to her I'll be totally screwed and then I will CTB for sure if not sooner.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position it's not a nice place to be.

Thanks @betternever2havbeen for the kind words. I doubt my mom liked me all the time, either, especially when I was acting like an ass. Yeah, it has been tough. I knew my mom was getting up there in the years, so I knew she was going to pass, eventually, but you're never really ready for it. As far as the rest of my family passing, it all happened really fast. Never saw it coming. It was like one every six months until there was no one left. And then it was my mom's turn. At least I got to stay with her at her house caring for her for about 8 months while she was under Hospice care. But, yeah, it's still hard. I don't have any friends, either, for all kind of reasons, I guess. My cousin who died was like the brother I never had. I've got some distant cousins, but not at all close to them, and they don't live in my area, anyway. No, I'm really alone. I'm so alone I don't even need a phone anymore. My interaction with people is when I go to the store and have to say something to a clerk or check-out person. An occasional hi to the neighbor. It is what it is. I'm just taking some time and getting a few of my things in order and then it will be my turn. I managed to stay around a while. You probably can, too, especially if you know your mom might need your assistance in the future as she gets older. Actually, my focus had been on that with my mom for the past 16, 17 years, until she passed. It was nice being needed. That's another thing I don't have anymore. I think this world has told me loud and clear that my work here is done. That's what I feel, anyway. There's no point in me sticking around any longer than I have to. What is there to look forward to? Health conditions? Loneliness? More despair? I think the time for me to "check out" is drawing close and closer. You're right, it's not a nice place to be. I'm sorry you're nearly in that same place. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

my parents had me at a rather young age, 19, but despite this my mother ended up dying 6 years after I was born and my father left before my birth

drug addiction is it's own cancer

 

[jcksonb22]

yes my dad was 45 when he had me and my mom 35. dad has terminal stage 4 brain cancer although i have little to no relationship with him. mom also has heath complications, but should live another 6 or so years. I'm 23 now. Brother committed suicide when i was 6 by drinking anti freeze. Basically my mom is my only family member.

 

[Achlys]

Indeed. My (single) mother gave birth to me in her early forties. When I was younger, the thought of losing her was always scary and daunting, as you put it. My worrying did no good, unfortunately. During my mid-teens, she went from working a full-time job to dead in a matter of less than half a year. It's been a few years since then, and I've occasionally pondered how things may have been different had she given birth at a younger age or had I sincerely implored she live a healthier life, but I doubt either would've made much of a difference in the end.

My sole remaining family member is my sister. We may not spend much time together anymore, but knowing that I'd leave her alone fills me with guilt. I just don't think I have it in me to continue solely for her sake.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Thanks @betternever2havbeen for the kind words. I doubt my mom liked me all the time, either, especially when I was acting like an ass. Yeah, it has been tough. I knew my mom was getting up there in the years, so I knew she was going to pass, eventually, but you're never really ready for it. As far as the rest of my family passing, it all happened really fast. Never saw it coming. It was like one every six months until there was no one left. And then it was my mom's turn. At least I got to stay with her at her house caring for her for about 8 months while she was under Hospice care. But, yeah, it's still hard. I don't have any friends, either, for all kind of reasons, I guess. My cousin who died was like the brother I never had. I've got some distant cousins, but not at all close to them, and they don't live in my area, anyway. No, I'm really alone. I'm so alone I don't even need a phone anymore. My interaction with people is when I go to the store and have to say something to a clerk or check-out person. An occasional hi to the neighbor. It is what it is. I'm just taking some time and getting a few of my things in order and then it will be my turn. I managed to stay around a while. You probably can, too, especially if you know your mom might need your assistance in the future as she gets older. Actually, my focus had been on that with my mom for the past 16, 17 years, until she passed. It was nice being needed. That's another thing I don't have anymore. I think this world has told me loud and clear that my work here is done. That's what I feel, anyway. There's no point in me sticking around any longer than I have to. What is there to look forward to? Health conditions? Loneliness? More despair? I think the time for me to "check out" is drawing close and closer. You're right, it's not a nice place to be. I'm sorry you're nearly in that same place. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.

It's true, you can never prepare yourself for it and the flood of emotions later on when the shock has worn off. It sucks to see everyone else has so many family members. I only ever even had one auntie and she died a few years ago. My cousins whilst nice people, are spread all over the world and of course much older than me. I'd feel pathetic if I suddenly started trying to glob onto them after all these years!

You did a good thing for your mom-I wish I could do the same but I'm more of a liability than anything...I'd feel guilty either way. If I had the support of my brothers it'd be so much easier but they are not gonna play nurse and I don't think I'm up to it either-I can barely look after myself. Thankfully my mum is totally fine right now. I know it sounds selfish, I'm supposed to look after her but I just saw what went wrong with my dad and how we didn't have any help and almost got to the point we couldn't cope..but maybe it would be different this time and knowing what I know I'd be more prepared and get all the professional help I could. By the time she needs any help it could be 5-10 years and I can't hang on that long. I'm childless no ones gonna be there to look after me when I'm old...

 

[bing]

My mom had me when she was 38 and my dad was 45. I'm an only child.

There was no way I was going to succeed in the world with this situation.

I'm guessing mental illness plays a role in older parents still deciding to have kids.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@bing I was an "accident" apparently-at their ages! It's getting normalised now-even 60+ year old men and no one thinks anything of it...the poor kids will have to deal with bereavements and worry so much earlier it's not fair to them. I wouldn't swap my parents but I would've been born 10+ years earlier if I could!

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It's true, you can never prepare yourself for it and the flood of emotions later on when the shock has worn off. It sucks to see everyone else has so many family members. I only ever even had one auntie and she died a few years ago. My cousins whilst nice people, are spread all over the world and of course much older than me. I'd feel pathetic if I suddenly started trying to glob onto them after all these years!

You did a good thing for your mom-I wish I could do the same but I'm more of a liability than anything...I'd feel guilty either way. If I had the support of my brothers it'd be so much easier but they are not gonna play nurse and I don't think I'm up to it either-I can barely look after myself. Thankfully my mum is totally fine right now. I know it sounds selfish, I'm supposed to look after her but I just saw what went wrong with my dad and how we didn't have any help and almost got to the point we couldn't cope..but maybe it would be different this time and knowing what I know I'd be more prepared and get all the professional help I could. By the time she needs any help it could be 5-10 years and I can't hang on that long. I'm childless no ones gonna be there to look after me when I'm old...

I always wished I had a bigger family, too. I had 2 half-sisters, a maternal one, and a paternal one, from my parent's previous marriages. My paternal sister died about 2-1/2 years ago. My maternal half-sister is still alive, but we have been estranged for more than 25 years. My mother disowned her and I followed suit. I want nothing to do with her. I hear you on the cousins, too. I think I said I have some cousins, but they don't live where I live and I haven't spoken to them in years. And I'd feel the same way you would if, suddenly, I started contacting them just to have family still in my life. That would be pathetic and I don't want, nor need, anyone's pity.

My mother was the epitome of what a good human being is supposed to be. I only wish I could have done more, and done better. It's hard to do anything for anyone else when all of your needs aren't completely met. They say that in order to help someone else, you have to first help yourself. To me, only based on these couple of exchanges between us in this forum, you sound like you have a good grasp on things, notwithstanding that we're communicating in a suicide forum, but, you know, nonetheless. It might take some effort on your part to get where you need to be with regard to your mother, should the day come when she does need your help. You'll have to decide if you can get there (where you'd be effective help to her), and for how long you can stick around waiting to see if she needs help. Having these unwavering thoughts of suicide in our heads every single day just makes everything so much harder. No one can understand that unless they're in our shoes. It permeates every aspect of our lives, all our decisions, our relationships, everything. How much you'll be able to endure no one else can answer for you.

One of the biggest reasons I am planning to exit this world is because I will have no one to look after me when I get older and need support. That's just another dimension to this existence that I don't want to deal with.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@locked*n*loaded sorry to hear about your sister passing. It's sad you're estranged from the other one but I know the feeling well!

Yeh there is always a certain amount of guilt and regret when someone dies isn't there? I had the same thing. It's a major factor in me wanting to CTB actually. I figure my brothers can step up this time-they were basically useless when my dad was ill and they don't know how bad it was whereas I've had to live with it all these years knowing the pain he went through. Yeh my mother is lovely too-she deserves better than the kids she got. She's resilient though and loves life no matter what so I know she'll be ok.

I'm here for the next few months at least if you wanna chat or need any support in the meantime

 

[locked*n*loaded]

@locked*n*loaded sorry to hear about your sister passing. It's sad you're estranged from the other one but I know the feeling well!

Yeh there is always a certain amount of guilt and regret when someone dies isn't there? I had the same thing. It's a major factor in me wanting to CTB actually. I figure my brothers can step up this time-they were basically useless when my dad was ill and they don't know how bad it was whereas I've had to live with it all these years knowing the pain he went through. Yeh my mother is lovely too-she deserves better than the kids she got. She's resilient though and loves life no matter what so I know she'll be ok.

I'm here for the next few months at least if you wanna chat or need any support in the meantime

That sounds good. May take you up on that in the near future. Same goes if you need anything I can provide, whether it's support or whatever. I'll be here, myself, for some time longer than that, as I need to get my affairs in order, which is what I'm doing. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow to get my will drafted. My mom's estate just closed out today, as a matter of fact. I still need to see her monument through to completion and then placed at her grave site. I doubt I'll be ready to go until near this time next year.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@locked*n*loaded It's good you are getting things organised-I'm glad I don't have much to get in order as I've not had much of a life and I don't have the will or energy to do anything. My mother sorted out all my nans affairs when she died and I don't know how she did it-no chance I'd be able to do that for my mother I would just be a mess. But then I can't even look after myself.

It's ironic cos I used to think I got away with having older parents-I thought they would live a really long time because they were so healthy but I lost my dad anyway (he didn't even make it to average life expectancy) and I thought I was lucky not to be born disabled because of my parents ages. As a kid I thought I was "normal" but just really shy and introverted-now I think I'm possibly autistic and can't cope with life at all, and still act like a child, so I didn't get away with it. I wish my parents were younger when they had me because I have zero intention or ability to have a family of my own.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

@locked*n*loaded It's good you are getting things organised-I'm glad I don't have much to get in order as I've not had much of a life and I don't have the will or energy to do anything. My mother sorted out all my nans affairs when she died and I don't know how she did it-no chance I'd be able to do that for my mother I would just be a mess. But then I can't even look after myself.

It's ironic cos I used to think I got away with having older parents-I thought they would live a really long time because they were so healthy but I lost my dad anyway (he didn't even make it to average life expectancy) and I thought I was lucky not to be born disabled because of my parents ages. As a kid I thought I was "normal" but just really shy and introverted-now I think I'm possibly autistic and can't cope with life at all, so I didn't get away with it. I wish my parents were younger when they had me because I have zero intention or ability to have a family of my own.

Yeah, I should be doing things right now, but I'm not. I just haven't got the energy today, not that other days are really any better. I do things in fits and starts, That's all I can do. I'll get the necessities done. How much more than that, I have no idea. Not what I want to get done, that's for sure. But, it really won't matter after I'm gone anyway, and why do I really care? I really don't. I've had to handle two estates in my lifetime, my parents (divorced), so I don't think it's that big a deal that someone, who will be paid to handle it, will have to take care of my things when I go. It will be a stranger to handle my stuff, a professional appointed by the court, but that's just the way things are. The biggest thing to handle will be all my material stuff. A house full and a garage full. I'll have the important stuff in order and, hopefully, some things gone by the time I go. I've gotten rid of a few things, already. That's all I can do.

I always wanted a family of my own, and I have no idea how not having one has brought me to where I am, maybe some, but if I was going to be where I am anyway, I'm kinda glad, now, that never happened for me. Kinda glad, kinda not.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@locked*n*loaded I imagine it's quite hard to get motivated to do the paperwork and stuff. Although some people say it helps with the grief process but I don't think it'd help me. My mother will have to sort my stuff out but I hardly have any possessions, and already got rid of some. I feel like maybe getting rid of absolutely everything is a good idea so I can't back out of CTB because I'll have given my life away already!

I always knew I didn't want kids, but I wanted my "old" family for as long as possible-sadly that wasn't to be. More than likely I'd take this route sooner or later anyway since I'm straying from the "norm". I know people live perfectly happy lives without kids but I'm not interested in any other sort of life either. Life just ain't for me and I think 34 years is more than enough to know if you can make a success of it or not-the resounding answer is "no" lol.

I'm sorry you didn't get a family if you wanted one. I know what you mean, I could never have kids anyway even if I wanted them cos I'd still be suicidal and I couldn't bring them up with me being depressed and not being able to function. You sound really competent though and a really nice person. I can see how it'd be very freeing not to have dependents and worry about the effect on them.

 

[Xiamara302]

Sounds almost the same with a couple variations. Mom was 38, dad was 49. I was 6 months old at his 50th birthday party. I loved my parents and my sister despised me until our mother got cancer when I was around 15. Her health had already started getting weird a few years prior to that though so in my head my dad was safe and mum needed to be watched.

I found my dad dead in his apartment when I was 18.
He had 3 kids from his first marriage I barely knew because he didn't really want me to but I was trying to anyway. The one brother I had died 6 weeks before my dad. One of the half-sisters, who hadn't spoken to our father in over 20 years, tried to Bury him without me there so I cut her out and the other lived across the country and passed away a few years ago.

I've been suicidal since I was around 16. I promised my mom I wouldn't try while she was alive and put her through that. She was my best friend. I always have said "when she goes, I go." ... A year shy of 30 years old and I lost her on December 16th and now that my sister and I are ACTUALLY close she was scared and knew what was going to happen so she asked me not to. I told her I would try... I can't promise her like I promised mom but I'd try.

I'm already dying and my doctors don't give a shit I can't do this much longer so... yeah.

I don't know if that even made sense

 

[hellispink]

Yes, my father was 48 when I was born. Growing up he had many horrible diseases that I had to see and suffered along with him. I was so scared all the time he was going to die and he also said that he would. I grew up very anxious and attached due to that. He is still alive, but in terminal condition because some of his organs do not longer work. It is still very painful.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Xiamara302 Oh man sorry to hear you've been through such a lot and now health issues as well big hugs

@hellispink Sorry to hear about your father-mine would still be here if it wasn't for cancer-he probably could've been cured too if he'd only tried a different treatment to what he went with in the end. A massive regret of mine is that I didn't convince him to go with the tried and tested surgery. I so understand when you say suffered along with him-it's horrible watching a loved one ill and in pain.

 

[chocolatebar]

I'm now mid-30s and probably don't have a right to moan about this

Why do you say that? We all have the right to express our feelings. Don't ever feel bad for it.

I suffer from having older parents too. It adds a lot to my disgrace. I lived almost nothing in my time alive, a total lack of experience, and when I tried to go on my own, I faced my aging mom needing support, after harming me for my entire life.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My parents were older when they had me and a bit checked out especially when it came to "parenting "… So I probably experienced a bit of neglect and disengagement and I was pretty disassociated a lot of the time growing up…our Family was definitely different … It seemed normal at the time but now I realized and I was probably fucked up as a kid because my parents didn't do the normal stuff that makes a kid feel important… No one ever taught me how to throw a football… Seems trivial but when you go to school and you don't know how to do any sports whatsoever, you have never even seen a football game or a baseball game… you end up feeling like a weirdo… That becomes your identity… A ruminating outsider… You think you're intellectually superior but it's really just masking Loneliness and isolation and insecurity and self-loathing… And eventually decades later that's who you really are… That's where you end up…

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Why do you say that? We all have the right to express our feelings. Don't ever feel bad for it.

I suffer from having older parents too. It adds a lot to my disgrace. I lived almost nothing in my time alive, a total lack of experience, and when I tried to go on my own, I faced my aging mom needing support, after harming me for my entire life.

Society tells you you're lucky to have had loving parents in the first place no matter how old they are you should be grateful. I've seen peoples reactions when a 60 year old man has a kid even. All congratulations and I just think "poor kid". Of course some people with older parents are fine about it too, but I'm not...Sorry to hear about your experiences, I find life one long guilt trip worrying about your elderly parents and what you are supposed to do for them. I have a lack of experience too, when my dad died I just gave up and sank into a worse depression than ever.

A ruminating outsider… You think you're intellectually superior but it's really just masking Loneliness and isolation and insecurity and self-loathing… And eventually decades later that's who you really are… That's where you end up…

Yeh I totally get this, I'm the same. A total ruminator! It's done me no good, wish my mind wasn't like this and I could've just let go and be happy but it's the way I was born. That is a really good way to explain how I've ended up as well.

 

[chocolatebar]

Society tells you you're lucky to have had loving parents in the first place no matter how old they are you should be gratefu

My parents were never good to me and growing up in this thing we call a family definitely led me to my disgrace. Having good parents is one of the greatest privileges one can have and that society fails to acknowledge.

 

[Werewolf.]

That sounds good. May take you up on that in the near future. Same goes if you need anything I can provide, whether it's support or whatever. I'll be here, myself, for some time longer than that, as I need to get my affairs in order, which is what I'm doing. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow to get my will drafted. My mom's estate just closed out today, as a matter of fact. I still need to see her monument through to completion and then placed at her grave site. I doubt I'll be ready to go until near this time next year.

*pops outta nowhere*

You can also reach out to me if you'd like! :)