Anyone able to relate to these conflicts?

[ChampagneSupernova]

Hey all, this is not meant to be a discussion about religion. I take no issue with people who believe in other religions, or, have no belief at all. I suppose it makes me a "bad Christian" but that's a different topic.

Not going to lay out my story because it's unimportant, but for context: Married, house, kids, nice career, white picket fence bs, etc. But I've been wanting to CTB for 20+ years by now. The stress of maintaining this facade is really getting to me. The only thing that holds me back is my faith & family. I personally don't "think" a person burns in hell for CTB'ing. But according to my "beliefs", I will. I actually don't "think" hell even exists in the capacity it's depicted in mainstream religions. However, the chance I'm wrong, just keeps me from it.

There are more factors. For example, don't want to put my wife and kids through it. But they will heal with time. I hope they would still get life insurance money from it. I think the state has a program that would give my children a good chunk of money when they reach adulthood. I feel bad for the pain I would cause. My wife could flip it to anger that I put her through it and then she would be fine, re-marry, and live a wonderful life. My kids would be financially set. Sad, but they will heal with time.

Anyway, any other folks on here with similar situation? Any Christians who don't believe CTB'ing ends with an eternity of pain and torture who can shed some light on this perspective? Anyone who's wife/husband and kids would be hurt know of programs to help them heal from it? Do you know any people who have lost a spouse/father to CTB'ing and how they turned out? I'm not as worried about my wife, she's very pretty, she will find another man to take care of her easily.

I am a piece of shit for being this selfish, I understand that. But I just don't think I can keep suffering through this :< .

Thank you for taking the time to read. Even if you aren't able to relate, I would still like to hear your opinion.

Edit: edited for clarity

 

[Inthewind]

To your first part, I too dont believe if the religon was 100% like you can be sentence to heck for doing it I personally believe it has been twisted to sound like damnation is super uber terrible experience. It probably still pretty warm and not the best place but it shouldnt be as wicked as it sounds out to be. I dont like the thought that you would be stuck and trapped their for being bad, I feel like it should been bout if you were bad you can get better, I dont think one action of ctb should put you there because you have already suffered for so long, and thats what led you to the choice. Ive not been and known anyone in this type of situation sorry I cannot really help. Theres always support groups like probably on facebook or in person meetings and programs that can help people try to work through their sadness and emotions over the event, theres sorta a program club for everything. I found one about spouse and partner loss, fourms for people to connect and talk about their grief, as for children... I think i found 'goodtherapy' group, theres childwellfare from the goverment for the familys. Also Religon and how you connnect with other religons is up to you, if you have no problem with other religons or nonbelievers that sounds to me as uhm well just good to me. You arent condemning their choices or trying to force anything to make them believe in your religon, they may convert later but yknow its probably just not their point in life yet. I hope you can do some actions where your at right now to at least make things easier for you right now.