A
agony1996
Member
- Jul 8, 2024
- 67
How many people are thinking abolition waiting till a parent passes in order to ctb.
I want to end my pain so badly but I'm thinking about the pain I'm going to put my 80 year old mother through.
She's had been the most amazing mother, giving up everything as a single mother it was really tough on her but she never let it show, working so hard to take me and my siblings on trips, protecting us ,the love she gave us is in measurable.
It breaks my heart to even think about this, I hurts so bad, I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do all I do is think about this and I'm in such turmoil , one moment I say I can't take anymore of this agony I'm going to ctb but in the same instant my thoughts go to her and I can't bring myself to do it and the crazy thing is that my love for her is so strong that the very thought of her passing, just the one instant of witnessing her passing, I think that I can't be around for that the pain will just be too much, even if it's just for that moment before I ctb, I just wouldn't be able to tolerate it so as strange as this sound, I want to ctb for that reason so that I don't have to go through that pain but what about the pain she's going to go through.
I know it's selfish of me and I feel like a bad daughter but my pain is unbearable.
I wish there was an easy answer, if I could just snap my fingers and we'd be both gone along with my siblings, why is this so difficult, I'm so angry that I have to be out through this, god, the universe, whatever there is, is so cruel.
I almost feel like it enjoys watching me suffer, I'm just so angry, so sad, so confused, in such unbearable emotional pain. All I can think of is why, why am I being put through this what did I do to deserve this torture. It angers the hell out of me… is anyone else going through this?
I want to end my pain so badly but I'm thinking about the pain I'm going to put my 80 year old mother through.
She's had been the most amazing mother, giving up everything as a single mother it was really tough on her but she never let it show, working so hard to take me and my siblings on trips, protecting us ,the love she gave us is in measurable.
It breaks my heart to even think about this, I hurts so bad, I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do all I do is think about this and I'm in such turmoil , one moment I say I can't take anymore of this agony I'm going to ctb but in the same instant my thoughts go to her and I can't bring myself to do it and the crazy thing is that my love for her is so strong that the very thought of her passing, just the one instant of witnessing her passing, I think that I can't be around for that the pain will just be too much, even if it's just for that moment before I ctb, I just wouldn't be able to tolerate it so as strange as this sound, I want to ctb for that reason so that I don't have to go through that pain but what about the pain she's going to go through.
I know it's selfish of me and I feel like a bad daughter but my pain is unbearable.
I wish there was an easy answer, if I could just snap my fingers and we'd be both gone along with my siblings, why is this so difficult, I'm so angry that I have to be out through this, god, the universe, whatever there is, is so cruel.
I almost feel like it enjoys watching me suffer, I'm just so angry, so sad, so confused, in such unbearable emotional pain. All I can think of is why, why am I being put through this what did I do to deserve this torture. It angers the hell out of me… is anyone else going through this?