Anybody not want to die but feel forced to do so?

[smokingfish99]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

 

[Liminal1]

Im so sorry your going through this. In a sense yes. I dont have health problems, but my life has fallen apart to the point I cant repair it. I dont feel like I have to die, just that otd be preferable to the sadness and suffering ahead of me

 

[smokingfish99]

Im so sorry your going through this. In a sense yes. I dont have health problems, but my life has fallen apart to the point I cant repair it. I dont feel like I have to die, just that otd be preferable to the sadness and suffering ahead of me

My heart goes out to you that you've found yourself in a similar situation. For me I feel it would be so much easier if I truly wanted to die but I don't

 

[BlazingBob]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

I could've written that myself. I definitely feel like my back is against the wall. I don't want to die but I can't live like this either. I spend 20 hours a day in bed. I'm tired of the marginally effective drugs and their deleterious side effects. I'm tired of chronic pain. My body is torturing me and quite frankly I've had enough. People wouldn't let an animal suffer like this.

 

[nostalgia addict]

Yes. Tinnitus is killing me. I had so many dreams and aspirations

 

[larastoned]

Yes, I feel as though I literally don't have other choice at this point.

 

[134340]

Absolutely. I've been mentally ill since I was 5 years old, severely since I was 12. I'm 25 now. I've spent 13 years talking, taking medicine, using coping skills both healthy and not, 10 hospital stays, etc etc the list goes on. I've tried quite literally everything (except for ECT, which my psychiatrist wants me to do but you have to be admitted to the state hospital to have it done) to make my life even just bearable. This would make it seem like I want to die, but I don't. I have a 19 year old sister and a 6 year old brother who are the only stars in my sky. I have a large family who I love and who I know love me back. I have dreams. I want things to get better, I really do. I don't want to break everyone's heart. If only love were enough

I could've written that myself. I definitely feel like my back is against the wall. I don't want to die but I can't live like this either. I spend 20 hours a day in bed. I'm tired of the marginally effective drugs and their deleterious side effects. I'm tired of chronic pain. My body is torturing me and quite frankly I've had enough. People wouldn't let an animal suffer like this.

"back against the wall" and "don't want to die but can't live like this either". Exactly. I feel so trapped. I'm sorry you're suffering too.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

I'm in the exact same boat, mate. I really wish I could switch places with someone else, I wish I could stay me but just get rid of my issues. I don't even know what to say as comforting words because living in a situation like that, it's like you're just stuck and it's only a matter of time until you can't endure it any longer and CTB but at the same time part of you can't bring itself to do it because you're so desperate to live one more minute and for things to change even when you know they won't. I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[BlazingBob]

I'm in the exact same boat, mate. I really wish I could switch places with someone else, I wish I could stay me but just get rid of my issues. I don't even know what to say as comforting words because living in a situation like that, it's like you're just stuck and it's only a matter of time until you can't endure it any longer and CTB but at the same time part of you can't bring itself to do it because you're so desperate to live one more minute and for things to change even when you know they won't. I'm sorry for your suffering.

It's definitely a paradox. My condition will only get worse but part of me thinks if I only found the right doctor or that's there's some leaf I've yet to overturn. The fact I'm up shit creek is a very tough pill to swallow. I don't want to die but rather just be normal. Unless there's a breakthrough in medical science I'm doomed. Even if I were to spontaneously get better I'd still have a major uphill if not impossible battle to get my life back on track. Then there's the mental health issues I've battled the majority of my life.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Yes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'd prefer to live but financial issues and a bad outlook for my personal future cause me depressive episodes and make me suicidal. So probably, if things don't change and a miracle is gonna happen, I will have to CTB as a logic consequence even though I might want to live.

 

[ilied]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

i feel like I'll never fit in or accept the rules of this current world, and im unable to do anything to change it. So because of this i feel like i have no choice but to roll over and die so this world can continue as is.

kinda feels like a selfish reasons compared to yours my condolences what kind of health issues do you have?

 

[MeltingBrain]

I have plenty of health issues and I am not even in my 30's , I completely get how you feel .

 

[Thisisme373]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

I totally understand. I'm going through the same situation, it's absolute hell, feels like your life has been stripped away and you're powerless to fix it.

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

I'm in in the same exact boat.

I've been struggling with health issues since 2015, and things got even worse in 2019. I've fought so hard to get to a point where I've felt that life is worth living, only to have even more reasons to want to die.

I still want to try fighting, but my willpower to do so is wearing so incredibly thin. I'm 25 now, and quite frankly I don't see how i could ever get to a point where I feel life is worth it again at this point. I would love to be wrong.

 

[waRmblanket]

i genuinely don't want to die, i really wish i could stay. i have a good family and pets, but nothing can take away my pain. doctors have been useless and i'm getting worse. they can either catch up with me or i'm heading. i have no other way out of the pain other than to ctb.

 

[AnonymousL]

Me.. I'm in a cycle I can't break in any other way than death.

 

[beachlifeindeath]

i dont want to die. i really want to get better, but i feel like ive been destined to commit suicide. i cant see a future beyond my ctb date.

 

[DeadWallflower]

Yeah. If I wasn't struggling financially. I'd be a lot happier and life would be manageable. I don't foresee that happening anytime soon. My youth is gone. The only ones who envy my youth is 80 year olds. My earning potential is not great anymore.

 

[-Toplox-]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

to be completely honest - I don't WANT to die. I really don't. but I've messed my life up so bad that there aren't any viable options left. I didn't acknowledge any of my major mental health disorders until 25 and leaving them untreated for so long while abusing drugs and alcohol very hardly for those 8 or 9yrs, it just did me in. I don't even know how to describe my mind or my thought process. Everyday is a mental battle. I have to hype myself up to go to work everyday, to the grocery, to walk down the street. I'm incredibly anxious 24/7. Paranoid that people are talking about me constantly. I'm just exhausted. I was this way before the drugs and alcohol and they just compounded all my mental health issues. I thought quitting everything would make me "normal". It didn't. Though I'm sober, the damage has been done. I have an extremely deep hatred for myself. I can't stand the person I am, and I'm stuck with this person because the person is me. Disgusting.

 

[Unending]

I mean I'm pretty limited in options. I have literally entertained any idea for recovery that any professional or peer has ever suggested. It's been years and years of this nonsense with no substantial relief. It's just pain, pain, and more psychological pain. I feel like I'd be just fine with living if my emotional turmoil would dissipate but it just won't. The way I see it, I do have two options, but one option looks much better than the other, that being ending things. Nonetheless, I keep waiting because it seems to be the case that I care about others more than I do myself.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I don't want to die, but have health issues that make life a living hell. I've failed all treatments and see death as my only escape. It's horrible, i really want to live but feel forced to die.

I definitely don't want to die but I definitely feel forced to. It's either that or freeze to death. It's what happens when you have everything stolen from you and no one gives a fuck about you. No help no support not a fucking thing Not even enough to give you a job. People are fucking terrible. So I'll do what society doesn't have the balls to do and kill myself. Better then freezing to death.

 

[maka]

Yup. I want to live life and experience things, be loved, be comfortable, see the world. But I know where I stand and what my reality is, so I learned to stop dreaming and accept that sometimes some people get the short end of the stick. I ended up being one of those people, so nothing is going to get better, or it would have already done so by now.

 

[lifeneedssavepoints]

I'm so sorry this life has been that cruel to you, it's not fair.

Honestly, this time last year i was a bit down following a shoulder injury, but i was intent on improving things...i was doing physio on the shoulder and seeing results, looking forward to getting back to the gym (exercise is something that i found that i really needed to stay mentally healthy after a break up a few years ago), i was working on my life, enjoying things. Loved my job. Planning on dating again. Feeling hopeful for the future.

I never imagined how this year would turn out though...

...i'd been suffering from some recurring ingrowns right on my "male part." So in January i went to see a dermatology clinic to see if there was a good way of clearing them for good.

They recommended laser..."totally safe"...it seemed to be at first too. But...i got over-treated a little bit. Probably took some baths that were too hot, too early, not realising what the consequences of that could be...

...Well, i've had an inflammatory reaction bubbling away all year that's transformed my manhood. A guys worst nightmare come real. I've tried everything imaginable, steroids, oils, creams, nerve blockers, spoken to so many different doctors and dermatologists, and no one seems to know what's happened, how to treat it or what my prognosis is. I've been walking like John Wayne all year. Loose boxers and tracksuit bottoms only. I can't exercise, take long walks, can't have sex, can't even pleasure myself, and i no longer recognise what i see down there... my mental health has just bombed. Nothing about this year feels real. It's like a went to sleep in January and never woke up from a nightmare.

Am i seriously supposed to live out another 20-30-40 years as a virtual eunich?! I don't think i can. And i can't concentrate on anythingvelse either, i just keep playing the "what-if's" over and over again in my head. I'm broken.

So..yeah...i get it. I loved life, i did, but now...i'm not sure there's another way out of this for me. I need to escape the torture.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

Yes! Yes, I feel forced. I thought I was the only one. I'm dying for other people and I have to hurry but I'm a coward.

 

[smokingfish99]

I'm in the exact same boat, mate. I really wish I could switch places with someone else, I wish I could stay me but just get rid of my issues. I don't even know what to say as comforting words because living in a situation like that, it's like you're just stuck and it's only a matter of time until you can't endure it any longer and CTB but at the same time part of you can't bring itself to do it because you're so desperate to live one more minute and for things to change even when you know they won't. I'm sorry for your suffering.

You stole the words right from my mouth. I'm so sorry you find yourself in a similar situation, it breaks my heart. I find myself jealous of literally anyone who isn't me, wishing I could just switch places and be done with this body which continues to torture me to my breaking point. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk

I'm in in the same exact boat.

I've been struggling with health issues since 2015, and things got even worse in 2019. I've fought so hard to get to a point where I've felt that life is worth living, only to have even more reasons to want to die.

I still want to try fighting, but my willpower to do so is wearing so incredibly thin. I'm 25 now, and quite frankly I don't see how i could ever get to a point where I feel life is worth it again at this point. I would love to be wrong.

Bless you <3

I battled severe ocd and depression from 15-18, I overcame it and started building a life that mattered to me. Only for a sudden illness that leaves doctors clueless to take all of it away, I've been bedbound for 7 months in agony. I'm refractory to all the normal medications that should work. Throughout my new illness I've tried so hard, been so optimistic. But now here I am, writing a suicide note. It feels like a sick joke.

I hope you manage to continue fighting or find peace if that's what you choose

I'm so sorry this life has been that cruel to you, it's not fair.

Honestly, this time last year i was a bit down following a shoulder injury, but i was intent on improving things...i was doing physio on the shoulder and seeing results, looking forward to getting back to the gym (exercise is something that i found that i really needed to stay mentally healthy after a break up a few years ago), i was working on my life, enjoying things. Loved my job. Planning on dating again. Feeling hopeful for the future.

I never imagined how this year would turn out though...

...i'd been suffering from some recurring ingrowns right on my "male part." So in January i went to see a dermatology clinic to see if there was a good way of clearing them for good.

They recommended laser..."totally safe"...it seemed to be at first too. But...i got over-treated a little bit. Probably took some baths that were too hot, too early, not realising what the consequences of that could be...

...Well, i've had an inflammatory reaction bubbling away all year that's transformed my manhood. A guys worst nightmare come real. I've tried everything imaginable, steroids, oils, creams, nerve blockers, spoken to so many different doctors and dermatologists, and no one seems to know what's happened, how to treat it or what my prognosis is. I've been walking like John Wayne all year. Loose boxers and tracksuit bottoms only. I can't exercise, take long walks, can't have sex, can't even pleasure myself, and i no longer recognise what i see down there... my mental health has just bombed. Nothing about this year feels real. It's like a went to sleep in January and never woke up from a nightmare.

Am i seriously supposed to live out another 20-30-40 years as a virtual eunich?! I don't think i can. And i can't concentrate on anythingvelse either, i just keep playing the "what-if's" over and over again in my head. I'm broken.

So..yeah...i get it. I loved life, i did, but now...i'm not sure there's another way out of this for me. I need to escape the torture.

God that sounds like a nightmare, I cannot imagine the suffering that brings you. You're in a nearly identical situation to me, in terms of your timeline. I had a stomach condition which was getting better earlier this year, I then went off the medication and was hit by nausea from hell, 24/7. Nothing worked, the original medication did nothing. I've tried enough medications to start a pharmacy. Nothing has truly worked. Before this I loved life, had everything going for me as a 22 year old man starting his life. I have a great family, gf. But the suffering is endless, and there's no hope left. I'm forced to destroy the lives of those I love in order to have peace, and I don't even want to die. I wish I had something terminal instead.

 

[Kta1994]

Yes!

 

[lifeneedssavepoints]

You stole the words right from my mouth. I'm so sorry you find yourself in a similar situation, it breaks my heart. I find myself jealous of literally anyone who isn't me, wishing I could just switch places and be done with this body which continues to torture me to my breaking point. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk

Bless you <3

I battled severe ocd and depression from 15-18, I overcame it and started building a life that mattered to me. Only for a sudden illness that leaves doctors clueless to take all of it away, I've been bedbound for 7 months in agony. I'm refractory to all the normal medications that should work. Throughout my new illness I've tried so hard, been so optimistic. But now here I am, writing a suicide note. It feels like a sick joke.

I hope you manage to continue fighting or find peace if that's what you choose

God that sounds like a nightmare, I cannot imagine the suffering that brings you. You're in a nearly identical situation to me, in terms of your timeline. I had a stomach condition which was getting better earlier this year, I then went off the medication and was hit by nausea from hell, 24/7. Nothing worked, the original medication did nothing. I've tried enough medications to start a pharmacy. Nothing has truly worked. Before this I loved life, had everything going for me as a 22 year old man starting his life. I have a great family, gf. But the suffering is endless, and there's no hope left. I'm forced to destroy the lives of those I love in order to have peace, and I don't even want to die. I wish I had something terminal instead.

I'm sorry bud. Isn't it crazy that life throws some horrible shit our way, just as we seem to be gaining some traction and start enjoying it a bit?!
I've got friends that think we make our own destiny; that anything can be turned around if we work hard enough at it. I used to be the same too...recentIy though i've felt more like a computer game character that had my stats capped. Everytime i work hard to increase those stats, i seem to get slapped down again!
Anyway..I'm looking into ways out of the nightmare for sure, it's why i'm here, but at the same time i'm not quite done looking for a WAY THROUGH just yet either.
I'm hoping that, just as things got snatched away from us when things were going well, then just possibly things might start to look up again now that we're down. For you and me both bud.
Good luck to you, i really hope things improve dude.

 

[SovietSuicide]

If I had money I would probably live much longer. Until 60/70. I would still CTB because I don't want to be artificially kept alive but I'm gonna do it now at 26 because I've literally been struggling every month since 18 despite working my ass off and I can't do it anymore. This month I've fully run out of money, I'm 2 months in rent arrears, been looking for a job for 4 months and I'll be homeless next month in a foreign country.

I have a fucking compsci/vfx degree and I've worked 50-60 hour weeks and yet I'm still in literal poverty. Idk how the fuck people do it.