Anybody else want to CTB subsequent to a parent’s CTB?

[MourningGal]

Hi, I'm new here and in a bit of a tricky situation and wanted to see if anyone else can relate.

My main question is: How do you feel about CTB after a family member recently already CTB'd and leaving your surviving family members?

My mother passed away from a prescription overdose. She was taking medication since I was born 20+ years ago and I didn't know any different. I cut all communication from her 5 years ago. She was, at her core a nice person who I know loved me, but all I knew was the narcissistic drug addict that my dad had to take care of and threatened to CBT everyday. We looked fine on the outside, but it was rough behind closed doors.

Through her recent death I realized that I'm unfortunately very similar to her, even though I have technically created a much better life than she did when she was my age. I've struggled with depression my whole life (tried to CTB twice) and basically have had to grow up quickly. I have a Master's Degree, a good career, great friends that love me, talking to a therapist — but I'm still not happy, and never really have been. I call the SPH almost everyday, I'm grieving the loss of a mother I never had, and now I'm having physical pain where I cannot even walk around my apartment or answer emails from my WFH job. All signs are showing it's time. But imagining what's left of my family members (dad and sibling) losing two people in a year is tough to even think about. They don't deserve that, but I don't deserve to live like this. I'm too exhausted.

In a way, I'm jealous and wished I had just CTB before her, but now I feel that I'm too late. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thank you in advance for the discussion!

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Hi, I'm new here and in a bit of a tricky situation and wanted to see if anyone else can relate.

My main question is: How do you feel about CTB after a family member recently already CTB'd and leaving your surviving family members?

My mother passed away from a prescription overdose. She was taking medication since I was born 20+ years ago and I didn't know any different. I cut all communication from her 5 years ago. She was, at her core a nice person who I know loved me, but all I knew was the narcissistic drug addict that my dad had to take care of and threatened to CBT everyday. We looked fine on the outside, but it was rough behind closed doors.

Through her recent death I realized that I'm unfortunately very similar to her, even though I have technically created a much better life than she did when she was my age. I've struggled with depression my whole life (tried to CTB twice) and basically have had to grow up quickly. I have a Master's Degree, a good career, great friends that love me, talking to a therapist — but I'm still not happy, and never really have been. I call the SPH almost everyday, I'm grieving the loss of a mother I never had, and now I'm having physical pain where I cannot even walk around my apartment or answer emails from my WFH job. All signs are showing it's time. But imagining what's left of my family members (dad and sibling) losing two people in a year is tough to even think about. They don't deserve that, but I don't deserve to live like this. I'm too exhausted.

In a way, I'm jealous and wished I had just CTB before her, but now I feel that I'm too late. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thank you in advance for the discussion!

Hi, firstly my condolences, this past year 2021, and 2022. I lost my mom from hospital negligence she had cancer stage 4 , my aunt on my dads side who died after her a week later in December and my uncle on my moms side last week back to back. I'm in a similar situation however I should have CTB years ago I have nothing going for me I'm trapped. So idk my dad losing his wife and daughter in one year and sister will be horrible for him.

 

[MourningGal]

Hi, firstly my condolences, this past year 2021, and 2022. I lost my mom from hospital negligence she had cancer stage 4 , my aunt on my dads side who CTB after her a week later in December and my uncle on my moms side last week back to back. I'm in a similar situation however I should have CTB years ago I have nothing going for me I'm trapped. So idk my dad losing his wife and daughter in one year and sister will be horrible for him.

Hi there, thank you so much for your response and for taking the time to write it. I send my condolences to you. That much loss in such a short amount of time is so overwhelming, I can hardly imagine. It's so difficult to prioritize yourself and those that you love with a decision like this. Sending you lots of support during this time.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Hi there, thank you so much for your response and for taking the time to write it. I send my condolences to you. That much loss in such a short amount of time is so overwhelming, I can hardly imagine. It's so difficult to prioritize yourself and those that you love with a decision like this. Sending you lots of support during this time.

Yes it's pretty tough but I definitely relate to your situation I feel so much guilt but I have no other choice I have to do it this year or in a few years. I live an empty existence. I'm sorry for your situation as well and that you are unhappy.

 

[LoneMisery]

My father ctb in 99. I was 10. Ever since then ive always thought about it. In my teen years i would only think about it out of impulse. But now that im older (33) its a daily event to think about it. Ive even pushed away closest friends and family members cuz i feel so guilty. The jealousy is real with me too. I always think why cant i be as strong as he was. Im hoping a new job with benefits and more pay will help snap me out of my funk, but ive been planning methods and feeling an ahh moment when i think about how or when or where im going to do it.
Yes a parent that does that i feel has a huge impact on us.
I wish i was never told how my father died, not till i was older at least. For the simple fact of how interesting and how much it has took over my life.
I wish only the best for everyone here. And hope we all find inner peace with whatever decision we make.

 

[MourningGal]

My father ctb in 99. I was 10. Ever since then ive always thought about it. In my teen years i would only think about it out of impulse. But now that im older (33) its a daily event to think about it. Ive even pushed away closest friends and family members cuz i feel so guilty. The jealousy is real with me too. I always think why cant i be as strong as he was. Im hoping a new job with benefits and more pay will help snap me out of my funk, but ive been planning methods and feeling an ahh moment when i think about how or when or where im going to do it.
Yes a parent that does that i feel has a huge impact on us.
I wish i was never told how my father died, not till i was older at least. For the simple fact of how interesting and how much it has took over my life.
I wish only the best for everyone here. And hope we all find inner peace with whatever decision we make.

Hi there, thank you for your response and for taking the time to share your thoughts. It sometimes feels that no one else truly understands how difficult/challenging/confusing my grieving process is compared to other adult children that have lost their parents from illness or accident. I can also very much relate to pushing away close friends and family. I've basically iced out everyone that cares about me, but trying to accept their love/support when they really don't understand what I'm going through is just too hard and overwhelming.

Reading your post was so cathartic, although I am so sorry that you have to carry such a weight with you because of how your father died. I wish you nothing but peace and am sending my support to you today. Thank you again for sharing such an intimate detail of your life with me. It had helped me more than you know.

 

[LoneMisery]

Hi there, thank you for your response and for taking the time to share your thoughts. It sometimes feels that no one else truly understands how difficult/challenging/confusing my grieving process is compared to other adult children that have lost their parents from illness or accident. I can also very much relate to pushing away close friends and family. I've basically iced out everyone that cares about me, but trying to accept their love/support when they really don't understand what I'm going through is just too hard and overwhelming.

Reading your post was so cathartic, although I am so sorry that you have to carry such a weight with you because of how your father died. I wish you nothing but peace and am sending my support to you today. Thank you again for sharing such an intimate detail of your life with me. It had helped me more than you know.

Im happy to have helped you. Your sincere message has made me finally get out of bed today lol. Honestly.
I feel i can only talk about it here because all i ever get are head shakes sighs or eye rolls.

 

[MourningGal]

Im happy to have helped you. Your sincere message has made me finally get out of bed today lol. Honestly.
I feel i can only talk about it here because all i ever get are head shakes sighs or eye rolls.

I am so happy that you were able to get out of bed today. That is a huge step. And, I completely understand and commiserate with the head shakes, eye rolls, and just general lack of understanding how to respond. I feel like those things are so discouraging and end up making me want to isolate even more.

I just joined this group a few days ago, but talking with you about your experience makes me feel like, "Ah, finally someone else knows what this feels like!" It's really healing.

 

[MelancholyMagic]

I call the SPH almost everyday

Just as a side note, be careful and make sure you never say you have a plan to the hotline people. If you are in the US (elsewhere too, but not everywhere), the hotline can track you down and send cops after you at their discretion.
To the overall point of your post, it's a rough situation. If it was me, I would be very much concerned for my father's welfare (sibling too, but to a lesser degree). On the other hand, you should not have to suffer just to satisfy your family. I don't know what I'd do, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

[LoneMisery]

I am so happy that you were able to get out of bed today. That is a huge step. And, I completely understand and commiserate with the head shakes, eye rolls, and just general lack of understanding how to respond. I feel like those things are so discouraging and end up making me want to isolate even more.

I just joined this group a few days ago, but talking with you about your experience makes me feel like, "Ah, finally someone else knows what this feels like!" It's really healing.

I feel

I am so happy that you were able to get out of bed today. That is a huge step. And, I completely understand and commiserate with the head shakes, eye rolls, and just general lack of understanding how to respond. I feel like those things are so discouraging and end up making me want to isolate even more.

I just joined this group a few days ago, but talking with you about your experience makes me feel like, "Ah, finally someone else knows what this feels like!" It's really healing.

As long as we dont feel as alone anymore is a big plus. Its a real tough battle to try and be happy for others before i can even be happy for myself.
It is a big ah moment for sure