Anybody else swing wildly between ctb and attempting to live?

[Rukia]

I am in two minds about CTB...one moment I am like there is no other option and another I really want to live...Maybe it is a good idea to wait to be 100% sure...

 

[Severen]

Nah. I made up my mind, 100%. I did a cost benefit analysis. I'm just trying to save money now.

I am in two minds about CTB...one moment I am like there is no other option and another I really want to live...Maybe it is a good idea to wait to be 100% sure...

Of course, there is no need to rush unless you know for sure, something horrible is going to happen to you soon.

 

[TiredHorse]

Maybe it is a good idea to wait to be 100% sure...

Absolutely wait until you're 100% sure.

If you aren't 100% certain that it's time to die, then you should keep your options open and continue to live. That's the hell I'm stuck in right now, but as hellish as it is, it would be even worse to be wrong and to CTB prematurely.

 

[Lorenz]

I really wanna end my life but the thought of my family stops me from committing suicide I guess I am not strong enough yet to end it but the day is getting close where I will take my life and I hope my family forgive me

 

[Roger]

I feel like one of those poor souls in the WTC on 9/11, above where the planes hit. The flames haven't reached them yet, but they know this is it, it's over, they'd better jump now before it gets a lot worse. And yet I imagine they must have been hesitating in disbelief, too: "this can't be happening! This sort of shit just does not happen!"

I am in the emotional WTC, looking down at where my Beloved has torn a blazing hole in my psyche. I am stuck between disbelief, fantasizing that this can't be happening, that some impossible rescue will be coming at any minute, and yet knowing it's time to jump before things get a hell of a lot worse.

Nicely put.
Matches my situation - every day a bit worse. The thought of suicide is in some way a comfort as it provides the only, only answer. But you are still surviving after being on the forum for eight months. How do you do it ?

 

[Sanguinius]

I swing between a mood where i'm 100% sure that I want to die and one where I 100% sure I want to live, even if suicide stays always in my mind. lol?
it swings absolutely uncontrollable. This shit drivesme crazy.

 

[TiredHorse]

But you are still surviving after being on the forum for eight months. How do you do it ?

I have no idea. Perverse survival instinct? The absurdly strong human ability to get up and keep lurching forward? The pain is not so intense as it was then, but it has not abated.

And, as I described in other threads, at some point, back in February(?), a switch seemed to trip and I knew it wasn't the right time to CTB --damn it. At this point I'm half-way trying to work my way back to where I can --recovery to survive in an empty life is a hollow victory-- but though I gave it a try a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm there yet. And I may yet find myself too well "healed" fromt he emotional injury to end my life. We'll see.

 

[dolphin]

I used to but now I am firmly settled on dying.