Discussion Anybody else only really think about the "smaller" reasons not to CTB when thinking about the cons of suicide?

[Dinozauria]

For some reason, if I'm thinking of things I'll miss for whatever reason, I almost never think of my friends and family. Its weird. I feel horrible about it too. Of course, I'll sometimes think of them, but I mainly think of things on the internet. Like video games I like or all the pieces of media I won't be able to see the end of. I don't even know why I do this.

I'm aware I'm addicted to the Internet. I've been addicted since I was a kid. Not to mention it makes up a significant portion of my personality, and takes all of my free time. I didn't think it was this bad though.

Maybe I just don't take the people around me seriously enough or something. Or maybe I'm selfish? I thought I was kinder then this honestly. Guess not

I'm curious if anybody else feels similar?

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

For some reason, if I'm thinking of things I'll miss for whatever reason, I almost never think of my friends and family. Its weird. I feel horrible about it too. Of course, I'll sometimes think of them, but I mainly think of things on the internet. Like video games I like or all the pieces of media I won't be able to see the end of. I don't even know why I do this.

I'm aware I'm addicted to the Internet. I've been addicted since I was a kid. Not to mention it makes up a significant portion of my personality, and takes all of my free time. I didn't think it was this bad though.

Maybe I just don't take the people around me seriously enough or something. Or maybe I'm selfish? I thought I was kinder then this honestly. Guess not

I'm curious if anybody else feels similar?

It's very relatable. I think a lot about the "small stuff". I suppose trying to think of the bigger things like family/friends, is too overwhelming, because I'm already thinking they'll just be better off without me anyway, and/or I can't wrap my head around anyone caring that much about me. So, I gravitate toward the little things I'll miss in this life. It always comes down to a favorite song, or smelling lilacs, or seeing a rainbow, hearing the precious birds chirping, etc. Little things.

 

[Slipknot_XV]

Hi, I'm new here, but regarding what you said, I really identify with you. I don't feel it's selfish of you to think about those little things that really make you feel better or at least disconnect from everything else.

 

[Bikishii]

For some reason, if I'm thinking of things I'll miss for whatever reason, I almost never think of my friends and family. Its weird. I feel horrible about it too. Of course, I'll sometimes think of them, but I mainly think of things on the internet. Like video games I like or all the pieces of media I won't be able to see the end of. I don't even know why I do this.

I'm aware I'm addicted to the Internet. I've been addicted since I was a kid. Not to mention it makes up a significant portion of my personality, and takes all of my free time. I didn't think it was this bad though.

Maybe I just don't take the people around me seriously enough or something. Or maybe I'm selfish? I thought I was kinder then this honestly. Guess not

I'm curious if anybody else feels similar?

I feel very conflicted. Because I do think about family (even those I detest) and friends (whom I love, few though they may be) because I too have lost like 5 (extended) family members to suicide and my father attempted suicide when I was a young teenager, and I remember how that affected me and others around me, and I don't want to do that to them. I know how painful it feels. It's hard to balance that out when I think my pain matters more than(which of course, sometimes I *truly* think it does) theirs, but I just think about how they'll have to pick up the pieces, look at and identify my corpse, how my only two real friends in the world will have to travel far for my funeral (if I even have the kind I'd want), and knowing my death will really have no great effect on the world... I still think about how I don't want them to go through that. It's a kind of pain I wish on those I despise too, but y'know I don't see them as inherently heartless people. Maybe they became as unhappy people as they are because of similar experiences or circumstances as me and I just chose a different way to deal with it than them, but I know the pain of someone I care deeply about killing themselves. Sometimes I remember that feeling, sometimes I don't care. Sometimes it's easy to think "eh, they've been through so many, what's another suicide to the list?" but idk. It's hard.

Sorry for the rambling. Just letting my thoughts flow freely I guess. Even though I actively dislike these people and I myself want to die, I don't necessarily want to inflict upon them the pain of a family member's suicide. It's a weird position to be in. Anyway, that's my two cents. You can think one way or another, my way or another, some way or another, it's what works for you. Just take care of yourself. However that truly may be for you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I'm the same. It tends to be upcoming games or series. Or, the few experiences in life I enjoy- being out in nature, tasting nice food that I sometimes feel sad that I'll miss out on.

For me, it's partly because a lot of the people I cared about have either died or, aren't really in my life anymore. So- there's simply less of them to miss.

Plus, I suppose I've found there are positives and negatives to being around people. It doesn't always make me happy. Relationships are complicated.

 

[TAW122]

Yeah, I've put off my CTB partly due to waiting to see how things are, things are decent enough in the interim (sometimes) or small improvements or fulfillment of certain goals and that allowed me to continue sentience for a little while. I suppose I've delayed CTB for more than a decade, but at some point, given the right time and circumstance I will end up going through with CTB. As for family and friends, outside of family, I only have about one close friend IRL but even then I would not just hold off CTB just for them; my relationship with my family isn't great, just tolerable and sadly since I live with family due to not being able to afford a place of my own (cost of living since 2020 and beyond too expensive and my work doesn't provide enough to have my own place).

 

[Dinozauria]

Relationships are complicated.

Never felt a sentence so vividly