Anybody else feel like they're just meant to commit suicide?

[fishlover]

yes, i genuinely cant imagine dying any other way. mainly because i hate the idea of aging, and no matter how long it takes for me to ctb im certainly not letting myself get to my 30s. im already ugly enough without adding wrinkles and sagging to the equation. but i also feel like theres some satisfaction to being the one to end it- like a reward for yourself, or something.

 

[f1f7y8yoL053r]

I've felt that's it's inevitable for years. When things seem to change or go well it's just a setup for the next failure. I'm used to how this universe screws with me. I know I'm supposed to kill myself. It's the only answer that makes any sense. I just hope I can get it right.

 

[underscore_nine]

i feel like i was born to die, like it just feels right :)

 

[until death]

Suicide is the only way out.
I'm meant to do it.

 

[Aim]

Not really, but yess

 

[Jessi76]

Yes, I did. When I was younger, I wanted CTB and failed at an attempt. After that, the CTB thoughts stopped. But there was a bad situation for me many years later where they came back. At the time, however, it was only thoughts, not serious intentions. After that, my life was normal for almost 15 years... without CTB thoughts. This year in April, something happened that brought me to the point of really wanting to die and I explored different methods. I don't know if I'll actually do it this time. Even if it looks like I'm close to it right now. But even if not, the CTB thoughts keep coming back into my life. And also the attempts. That's why I'm sure that I'll become CTB at some point (maybe very soon). Because in the meantime, I have enough knowledge to be able to make a serious attempt. And that´s ok for me

 

[tarococo]

Yes, I always knew that this is how it all would come to an end. Even tho I thought I'd be gone by now, always told myself I'd never turn 20. Well, here I am. But I'm leaving soon, and 22 is kind of a cool number to die at, so whatever-
I literally never imagined myself dying any other way. Never imagined myself getting sick either, since I've never had any health issues besides my mental health. I always had ctb thoughts, and I knew that I'd lose this battle one day.

 

[gotomrg]

i guess. im 21 and i've been suicidal since i was like 8 or 9. cant imagine myself living till im old. i've already had enough. it's either suicide or some accident/illness.

 

[exiled]

I don't know that I feel like I was meant to commit suicide, but I feel like I've been led there. Like maybe it wasn't the initial plan or purpose of my life, but I think situations and circumstances brought me here. Like, perhaps I had a chance at purpose but I lost it. That hurts me even more because I cannot even necessarily blame fate. I should've died so many times throughout my childhood. I've fought a rare liver disease since birth, and it statistically should've killed me by now. I've survived cancer, and being held at knife point by my abuser. I don't die. I survive these things and collect trauma like charms. If anything, I am meant to live but I'm fighting it every chance I get. Life has just led me to crave the end. But I know I am going against fate by killing myself. It feels so wrong to do but... it is the only thing that feels right.

Despite overwhelming odds, I suppose.

 

[callme]

Every solution comes with a ton of problems with no solution, but this option is the only one being a solution by itself.

 

[kaitekat23]

I felt this. Growing up depsite wanting children, and dreaming about it everyday. I've never seen myself getting older. I've only ever imagined myself young, just like the way I am right now. I have never dreamed of myself beign elderly.

With my obvious mental health issues, abusive family that I can not seem to get away from, and this cold and hellish world. I don't think i'll be here much longer.

 

[Remanant]

It is quite comforting to find that there are so many people who feel like this too. To add to the original post, I would say that suicide is like my destiny which some people have already mentioned. I KNOW that this is how my story ends. It's a feeling that my mind keeps going back to whenever I face any problem in life almost like my head is telling me "just finish it already, you're going to do it anyway. you have a method available so what are you waiting for?". And my conscience is right- I may never get the opportunity to ctb if I don't do it soon. Nevertheless, I hope all the people reading this find the peace that they are looking for may it be in life or death. Take care.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

Yes, my life serves no positive purpose. I'm very forgettable as it is. No matter how good life might be I've always desired suicide more than living. If I would've been more knowledgeable about methods years ago I probably would've never made it this long.

 

[postmortemlove]

yea!!!!!! i feel like me being alive is jst such a waste of resources n space, nothing goes right either ! , i wish i was jst never born yknow, n the closest thing to that is killing myself....... ive been suicidal for so long too i think im jst a scaredy cat buuttttttt i cant imagine myself dying in any way other than thru my own hands

 

[kane9191kosugi]

I can totally relate with the topic lol.
I went to a relatively privileged school, so from the outside perspective it probably looked like I was destined to have a good life, but I had this feeling since elementary school that something was wrong with me and I was just destined to fail.
Hell, I began thinking about CTB since I was in high school lol.

I'm not sure what caused this whole situation. I probably have some kind of disability which I don't even know, as I can't stand being with other people for a long period of time (can't stay with the same sports club for more than couple months, and I can't stay with the same job for more than a month lol).
My dad and mom were really oppressive, and they will time and time again use physical/mental methods to force me to act the way they wanted. And I was bullied for practically every stage of my academic career (except for college but I have completely shut out from any community by than). THAT has to have some kind of effect on my self esteem and overall look on humanity and society.

In short, yes, I "kind of" knew something was wrong with me and I was destined to fail with my life, but the environment and people around me definitely had some kind of effect with where I am in life right now. Fuck all of them.

 

[sundown12]

i also feel like my destiny is to ctb. i'm in my late 20s, and i still haven't found my place in this world, probably because i'm simply not meant to. i get angry at myself a lot for not fitting in with the rest, and it makes me wanna ctb even more. i dream about the afterlife, and meeting my soul group, and not being associated with the meat sack that is my body. i just want to be free of earthly shackles and human problems.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Yes, I have felt this way for quite awhile now... & it is so that I'd almost forgotten about it - honestly - until I'd just read the title of your thread here! I'd say this "feeling," or intuition, whatever you'd want to call it. First began primarily in adulthood. And then it really heated up & began to cook once my 20's took off. Didn't really stop much at the start of my 30's but maybe did cool off just a bit? . . . I have felt a sort-of, 'predestined fate,' as it were~ for ever, it seems. And what I mean by that, is that, for all of the things I've done wrong in my life (that led to me getting here). There have been more than just a small number of them, that were not of my doing, or control, and therefore: fault. And it's always very bizarre, or strange things happening as well (like a professor going out of his way to thwart my final credits before matriculating to grad school, withholding midterm as car broke down on way in, ridiculed & mocked me when finally giving me "ONE HOUR!!!!!!!!!" to take exam, in the end, though he was so damn certain I was TRY-ING To hustle &/or "pull a fast one," on him - by getting more study time, I guess? Someone who was at or near the top of the chem class? Hardly, A-hole..." That set me back nearly a year, because of all I'd fought through & had to climb & pull my self back up in order just to get the opportunity to even feel as if I were on 'equal footing,' with the rest~ so I backslid mightily after that. BUT here's the "kicker," the temp. Dept. Head was HIS BEST FRIEND on the campus. Oh, yes? It was just a true 'Dear God?' moment for sure. And that's just one small ex. of them, there are, I'm afraid, if not many then a handful more just like this. And so it is as if, or as though - I have always known my Fate. That I will die by my own hand. And... it's not like I haven't tried. I had no internet in '08. I had no awareness to the reliability or failure rates of some certain methods, or ways of exiting. So yes! To answer your question: & the long-way, I guess~

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No. I'm just not destined to live and be a human. Perhaps suicide is a part of that, perhaps it isn't. However, I was never destined to appreciate life nor was I destined to want to work in this world

 

[iusedtobehappy]

Yes but I feel sure my birth was an accident. But absolutely yes.

 

[ArjunRamDas]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

Yes, I have been contemplating this very idea for some years now. I keep living (many failed attempts) and yet I have no desire to be here, continue on and trudge throughout this empty, meaningless life. I don't even want anything good to come because I know it will just be supplanted by some tragedy and suffering eventually. Just want it all to stop. And so, as someone who has "danced with suicide" for over half my life, I think that perhaps it's because that is my intended fate.

Came here to SS to hopefully hone in on some more reliable method.

I've had chronic suicidal ideation for decades. I don't really remember a time where my brain didn't default to "kill your self", even over relatively minor life challenges (part of how my BPD manifests).

After many misguided and failed attempts for a decade spanning around 12 through to my mid 20s, I attempted to get my shit together and stopped resorting to impulsive not thought out methods. I tried to give life a go. And I can admit, there have been periods in my life where I achieved a state of… if not happiness per se, at least stability and/or acceptance of life as it was/is. The ideations have never completely gone away but there have been periods where they've been manageable.

But for me, even though I'd had times of respite, even achieving a brief but euphoric state of actually having hope for the future in large part to a wonderful partner who then suddenly died - life has always seemed to hit me with more trauma than I'm capable of truly working through. From abuse as a child, leading to a string of abusive relationships because it's all I knew, to working so hard to break my own toxic patterns only to be hit with multiple significant bereavements in close proximity to each other, I'm now just exhausted. I don't believe anymore that it "gets better". Sometimes brief periods of it "getting better" makes the crash all the harder when it inevitably gets worse again.

I think I have believed since I was very young that my cause of death would be self inflicted. It's just a case of when. However I admit that the reason I'm still here is a combination of terror that an attempt will go drastically wrong, and my SI hindering actual follow through.

I read, I research, I plan. I practice partial most days attempting to find the right placement for quick blackout, and perhaps one of those practice attempts will eventually result in follow through.

Or perhaps not. For those who have managed to successfully CTB, I'm sad that life brought them to that point, but envious that they succeeded where I keep failing. I also think no matter the court of public opinion that they were very brave.

Peace is really the goal. Life can be wonderful for some people, and I wish it was wonderful for all of us, but I don't think my brain has ever been wired to be one of those people.

Amen, I hear you

 

[theRetroHawk]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

Yeah so this is actually why i logged onto here today, I've been depressed since 12 for no reason, like idk why i just started feeling really sad at that age and just joked about oh i must be suicidal, 8 years later i can't joke about it anymore I just don't know why im so sad. My biggest issue is im like very socially awkward and can't have a conversation for my life let alone make eye contact or anything and i have bad anxiety as in just overthinking everything and freaking out. I also feel like i dont exist as i don't do much and i feel like im just existing day to day and wasting my time. Im also fat and ugly so it's not like anybody would try to particularly make an effort to get to know me or anything im essentially just a useless piece of meat on this planet. I do have 2 people I'd say I consider good friends most people I know talk to me because they just wanna talk about themselves and don't really care who they are talking to. I kinda learned this when a guy I knew talked 4 hours of the history of every girl he's dated and I just sat there zoned out and I never got a word in edge wise as I never do lol this may sound like some arrogant thing but it's too hard to explain in detail every person but the two friends I do have keep me going I suppose. I do feel like there is nothing for me in this life as I can't even motivate myself to play video games which I love, I can't motivate myself to do anything and I essentially am impressed I can make it out of bed in the morning. Anyway that's my little rant I apologize.

TL:DR yeah I pretty much have nothing to do on this planet and once my family goes it's safe to say I'll just ctb as I simply would feel guilty making them find my body.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes, when I finally get the balls to do it

 

[onemorenight]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

I wasn't supposed to survive my birth. I was supposed to stay dead. I stole these 27 years. It makes sense that my existence has been abhorrent. There has never been a plan for me. I don't belong here. My life is an imbalance, an abnormal anomaly. I have always wanted to go home.

 

[brokeandbroken]

yes, i genuinely cant imagine dying any other way. mainly because i hate the idea of aging, and no matter how long it takes for me to ctb im certainly not letting myself get to my 30s. im already ugly enough without adding wrinkles and sagging to the equation. but i also feel like theres some satisfaction to being the one to end it- like a reward for yourself, or something.

Yes I do. From the way people talk to me, my family basically not giving a fuck about how I'm feeling. Etc... It just feels like my life is going to be an exercise I'm enduring suffering. And if that is case I'd rather be dead. I just need help and instsad people dont... Maybe I'm just not cut out for this world.

 

[Guy Smiley]

Yes, I know just what you're talking about. I definitely do feel that way a lot of the time.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

Deep down I really don't want to CTB. It really feels like it's inevitable though due to how my life has been going for the past 10 years.

I've always struggled with loneliness and feeling empty. Even as a little kid, I vividly remember wandering aimlessly around the playground alone while watching the other kids play. Being a socially awkward and anxious kid has taken a huge toll on my life. I have no one to blame but myself for how I've been feeling.

I experience the same thing today as a young adult. People are out with friends, in relationships, and enjoying life without a care in the world as I sit at home behind a computer or an iPhone screen by myself. I've never met anyone I could truly trust without fear of harsh judgment. I've been abandoned by a close friend in the past after opening up to them about my darkest thoughts.

I detest myself deeply. I hate how far behind I am compared to my peers. I hate how incompetent I am with the simplest of things. I hate how I have allowed social anxiety to completely consume me.

Based on past experiences with friends and family, it seems like the best thing for me is to keep these thoughts to myself and never open up to anyone IRL about them. Maybe I am destined to CTB after all.

 

[rozeske]

I never really believed one is meant to end up this way and that it is a choice one makes but looking at my life and how everything in my life turned to shit and however much i have tried not to endup here or whatever I did it all still finds a way to crumble to the ground. In the end I have come to terms with the fact that maybe I was meant to commit suicide all along.

 

[Decided98]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

I'm struggling I'm waiting for the life insurance suicide waiting period, but then SI is telling me I need to prepare for my future. I feel like I should be enjoying my last 11 months, i just can't enjoy myself I don't know how to or what to do.

 

[AnonymousL]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

I'm 24 and for years of this 'short' life that felt like an eternity I have felt like this is my purpose. My purpose is to ctb.
Coming into this earth was a mistake. My parents didn't plan me after all. Mom forgot to take her birth control when grandma was in a car crash.

I feel like I'm broken, beyond repair.

Life is just not made for everyone. Society doesn't realize that.

Some people grow up to be doctors while others are just simply a cashier because becoming a doctor is nothing for them. I believe life is also a thing that is just simply not made for everyone.

I don't fit in, I never have.
Ending my life would mean the rest I greatly deserve.

 

[kindalone]

Yeah, definitely. It's comical how pathetic my life turned out. Like I was some punchline for someone to laugh about.