Anybody else feel like they're just meant to commit suicide?

[Remanant]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

I can relate to this too well. That's exactly the way I see life. Feels like my destiny, therefore I'm always the one to seem insane from the outside with the life choices. It's not like I think I might die by ctb, no, I know. I've had some time (7 years) to get comfortable with this idea, with the exact plans and nowadays the whole life experience seems so fragile that I'm trying to enjoy every single second of it.

Some people say that you can sense the way you'll die or when it's going to happen, according to them, this can show as obsessions or unexplained fears. Also, based on my experiences and on what I've seen, being obsessed with death and darkness probably won't lead to the "happy old age".

 

[Life_and_Death]

yeah.
if not for my mental disorders, lack of family, the general human race then so i can avoid the horrible problems with ageing. im only 24 with 2 lower back problems. my bpd makes me more likely to have dementia (already dealing with memory problems). so my old age is already beyond screwed, and thats not to even mention cancer and other horrible problems. i cant even let myself live that long.. if something happened to me at that age i wouldnt have anyone to take care of me.

yeah, im just meant to. i dont see why i wouldnt..

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that in my case I'm certainly not meant to have the ability to suffer in this hellish world, existing really isn't for me, I'm only meant for the peace of non-existence and that's all I want anyway. Existing is very futile and undesirable, I'd rather escape from all future unnecessary suffering.

 

[verywelladjusted]

I see people around me live happily , having families, relationships and goals, and I wonder why I can't think like they do, and just be satisfied with life. I just don't get how they manage to live. I kind of think I was built differently and do not deserve to exist within society. Never understood the need for a relationship, and I feel having kids just makes life harder for yourself. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I do not think I can do it just like that. I do not want people who believe in these constructs (like my parents) feel bad, and from a purely financial perspective , they have wasted a lot on my upbringing. Gotta pay something back.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

I mean in the sense that this is the only outcome for someone. In most third world countries, people are poor and are bound to continue whatever their parents have been doing. In some other places, people already know what they're good at-sports, studies or some talent and then they pursue it. But has anyone ever felt like they were always meant to commit suicide? Like their very existence would eventually come to an end in their own terms? I can't even focus on long term goals this way because I know that ultimately I'm going to kill myself. Me continuing to live is just delaying the inevitable act of ctb. I hope others here can relate and share their thoughts as well.

No but literally. I've never been able to put it into words the way I feel about life but you literally did it for me. Like I know for a fact that the way I'm going to die will be by my own hands. I was born to end my own life, period.

 

[LeWantsToDie]

Statistically, as a transgender, autistic person who has been the victim of sexual assault and neglect , yes. It feels like the ending of my life was decided before I was born.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think, because I've had these thoughts for so long- 33 years- since age 10, yes- they do feel like an inevitability. Like it's just been a very long time coming. Maybe not so much that there aren't or weren't alternatives. More of a deepening realisation that I simply don't want to put up with the alternatives. Plus- I'm creative and loads of artist's kill themselves. So, it almost feels like an inevitable part of my character.

 

[singularity3]

Yes

 

[user56765567]

I would say yes, I mean it just seemed like that on some level like growing up with all the dying dreams I was having and I just think after a while because of all the toxic religious nonsense I've had to deal with. I just feel like I just have to do it at this point because I need to make sure that my family understands that I'm not following them wherever they think they are going and can't respect their choice to follow such a disgusting book and deplorable god. I'm also doing it as a personal middle finger to religions and gods in general especially the one that I grew up under and had to deal with all my life with most of my time wasted and lives including my own traumatizes by many people and events that happened through this religion. There are other things for sure but this part of it makes me feel like I just was meant to do it at some point. Like everything was pointing me in this direction and I just have to do it for myself as a way of respecting and loving myself.

 

[DeadManLiving]

It's the only outcome for me. No choice. I just never thought dying would be as difficult and complicated as this. The planning, practicing, preparing and conditioning the brain (chemically and psychologically) to inhibit SI. It's not worth the risk of life-changing injuries or losing the capacity for a future re-do attempt by botching up. Getting it right the first time is the hardest, but as a former optimist I know that if it's realistic and the challenges are surmountable, then it can be absolutely (over)achieved. What stands in the way are the headwinds of hard work.

 

[cemetorium]

Suicide is inevitable for me.

 

[Abyssal]

Yeah.

Everything has lead me to these moments, it is a fate of sorts.

 

[Sandy9]

I often have this image in my mind that I can't quite shake, that every life I've reincarnated into has inevitably ended via suicide. It haunts me how fated it almost feels.

 

[lostforever77]

Suicide is inevitable for me.

I just wanted to let you know that I love your icon. lain. Honestly with everything going on in my life I just re-watched it a few days ago, and I could not stop crying.
I never expected to live this long, I wish I have not lived this long. I tried to take my life 20 years ago, and I wish it would have worked.

 

[twin size mattress]

I also feel this way. no matter what i do i cant shake the feeling that im simply meant to end up committing suicide.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I dont know maybe. It got weird for me when I found out that my grandfathers sister commited suicide in her 20s. I kept ruminanting on that. I think that it is even possible that I used to be her if reincarnation is real.

 

[flightless bird]

that's how i feel all the time. wasn't like this during my childhood and early teens though, it was quite magical to me, i was fond of everything and knew little about the real world.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

Yes

 

[ChiseHatori]

Yes, as someone who's father did and who's mother is teetering on (and has threatened many times) it always felt like it was just my most likely outcome.

I had a hard time describing this to a close friend, but I deliberately and somewhat subconsciously have been making less connections and trying to distance myself from people so that they don't 'miss me' as much.

I'm still constantly on and off with my plans (since I was like 12/13), but I've gone over it so many times that eventually it has to happen right? Or maybe not. Really, I'm not sure. But I completely understand the feeling described.

 

[Ijustwanttorest]

Yeah, I feel the same too. One day, I won't be able the take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

I only wish I have a suicide drug in the ready for when that moment comes.

 

[brownbear]

Definetly. I've been fascinated by suicide since such a young age (without even realising it).
Maybe i'm being childish because i6 romanticise suicide to a certain point
(I love suicide artist like osamu dazai, sylvia plath, amy winehouse, elliott smith..).

No matter how well i recover and how much i desire to live, suicide will always be in the back of my mind. I've come to peace with accepting that i'm going to die by suicide sooner or later.

 

[huphup]

Yes, I relate to this so much. In fact, last week I was at church and felt that God made his purpose for me to CTB. I have been through so much in my life that that was my purpose. No person is meant to go through so much pain and keep living.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I've had chronic suicidal ideation for decades. I don't really remember a time where my brain didn't default to "kill your self", even over relatively minor life challenges (part of how my BPD manifests).

After many misguided and failed attempts for a decade spanning around 12 through to my mid 20s, I attempted to get my shit together and stopped resorting to impulsive not thought out methods. I tried to give life a go. And I can admit, there have been periods in my life where I achieved a state of… if not happiness per se, at least stability and/or acceptance of life as it was/is. The ideations have never completely gone away but there have been periods where they've been manageable.

But for me, even though I'd had times of respite, even achieving a brief but euphoric state of actually having hope for the future in large part to a wonderful partner who then suddenly died - life has always seemed to hit me with more trauma than I'm capable of truly working through. From abuse as a child, leading to a string of abusive relationships because it's all I knew, to working so hard to break my own toxic patterns only to be hit with multiple significant bereavements in close proximity to each other, I'm now just exhausted. I don't believe anymore that it "gets better". Sometimes brief periods of it "getting better" makes the crash all the harder when it inevitably gets worse again.

I think I have believed since I was very young that my cause of death would be self inflicted. It's just a case of when. However I admit that the reason I'm still here is a combination of terror that an attempt will go drastically wrong, and my SI hindering actual follow through.

I read, I research, I plan. I practice partial most days attempting to find the right placement for quick blackout, and perhaps one of those practice attempts will eventually result in follow through.

Or perhaps not. For those who have managed to successfully CTB, I'm sad that life brought them to that point, but envious that they succeeded where I keep failing. I also think no matter the court of public opinion that they were very brave.

Peace is really the goal. Life can be wonderful for some people, and I wish it was wonderful for all of us, but I don't think my brain has ever been wired to be one of those people.

 

[neonzebra]

I didn't seriously consider it til my early 20s.. so about 10 years ago.. but my childhood and whole life since has mostly been miserable and aimless so it does seem like an inevitability.
Over my life I've never really thought about my future self and how I would develop or achieve some form of self actualisation. So the path just gets more and more difficult as I get older. When a close friend of mine ctb a few years ago I remember thinking how much I was like her and it was probably going to be my end too.

 

[thecreepycanadian]

Yes. I'm destined to kill myself. I'm in counselling/therapy and I told her that a few days ago. Like, I know after the 8 weeks of counselling, nothing will change. There is no way to change this feeling in me. It just seems so inconceivable to me that I can change that about myself.

 

[the_summoning]

I've been feeling like this lately. More and more I become convinced that ultimately, my cause of death will be suicide. Before it got really bad I just assumed I'd die an old woman either of old age or some disease. Now? Hell 34'll be a miracle (unless Texas finally fully legalizes weed).

 

[asian.neet]

at this point death is my only option. someone taught me how to mix alcohol with different psych drugs so im going with that when i return to college. ill die on campus itll be fun itll be worth it because i don't exist anymore.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Yes
I always said I knew I would die by my own hands.
I've been writing here what led up to it.
I'm in the process of planning.
Praying it works because it's my only choice.
It's all I want.
Just trying to figure out if I can before Christmas or after Christmas.
But the last few day's I've been in bed with only one task complete.

 

[starrchaoz]

Yes, I'm the same way. It feels destined for me. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this way.