Help Any response to this at all would be greatly appreciated..

[IDontKnowEverything]

I would appreciate any type of replies to this one, be it educated, be it just sharing your own experience (anyone who this isn't typical for I am asking too) so I can compare my own all to it.

I had such an impossible to regulate night tonight (without any substances involved), I just wish to ask a few quick questions if it is alright, I really need to know what things are baseline and not, please..

So, for years (since an early age), I've been avoiding any "haunting", scary imagery because I always was afraid I would start seeing it all in the shadows later. (YouTube shorts reccomended me such imagery tonight, and I spent an all nighter unable to sleep, hiding, barely able to breathe due to panic.)

I don't get any particularly large amount of traditional hallucination at all, I could almost say never, be it auditory or visual. (I avoid certain imagery so my brain doesn't get the chance to manifest it all in the shadows, but typically I cannot say that hallucination in many ways I often see described is something that happens to me.)
But sometimes I just tense up so bad, like I'm in this fully frozen state.
While in this state, entities around me sometimes I do "feel" and sometimes do not. (I sometimes stare into that space without being able to move a muscle in my body because *something is just there*, and sometimes I do everything but look at that spot, not allow anything from that spot to possibly either look at me, or at least just not allow it to see me move.) (I am never not self aware, I know that it is false and made up by me, I just cannot help this feeling though, it overtakes me fully.)
I can't really explain it well.. but utterly "terrifying" is one of my closest words for it. It's *really* scary for me.
As for the sometimes fully frozen state, it's an issue of it's own...

I don't have any apparitions I actually see, but I've been on 24/7 fight or flight since I knew myself.
I cannot enter any area without checking every corner first, it's become habit to scan an entire area very quickly before walking into it as to not leave any unchecked blind spots in my vision, ever. (This habit has been been around for long, certain traumas and experiences just made it more intense and into what it is today.)

I'm an atheist and I don't believe in whatever my brain is cooking up being reality.
But just, be it neurologically, or be it fully without education and just comparing to your own daily life (without substances being directly involved), how normal is this type of thing, if you know anything at all, may I ask, please?

I know I should not seek medical advice online and everything, (my access to care is severely limited, this is partially the best I've got for now), but may I just ask... any answer at all as long as it isn't in ill will is both perfectly fine and plenty appreciated, just, I'm asking this quite very desperately, what in the world is up with me? (and optionally, aside from medicine, do you know of anything I can do to cope at all?)

 

[MessyNonsense]

Hey so first of all, I'm so sorry for the hell you're going through. I've been in near-constant fight-or-flight my entire life too. Second, this is an area I'm actually fairly familiar with. I believe I can indeed shed some light on what's happening, though keep in mind it's based solely on what you've written here. Disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional nor an expert in any field; my knowledge comes from a very close person in my life being a traumatologist and a practicing psychotherapist, so I'm ALWAYS hearing about the latest research on this very type of thing. (I can't get them to shut up about it... lol)

You basically have a nervous system disorder. Of course, "nervous system disorder" can mean many things, but what it sounds like you have is a disregulation with your body's vasovagal states - that is, the "fight/flight/freeze mode" (AKA sympathetic mode) and what's known as "rest and digest" or "safe and social" mode (AKA parasympathetic mode). There are other modes but that's not relevant right now. Anyway, a healthy human is supposed to spend about 80% of their time in parasympathetic mode - and you're basically stuck in freeze mode, it sounds like. There are any number of likely causes... genetics, epigenetics, past trauma, autoimmune disorder, any combination of the above... the list goes on.

To answer your question about whether it's normal: no, it most certainly is not. That doesn't mean you're bad or anything, it just means if you were asking whether this is common for people, the answer is no. But rejoice! There are plenty of things you can do about it!

I recommend looking into things called EMDR, brainspotting, and EFT tapping. I also recommend doing research on vasovagal states so as to de-mystify what's happening to you - once you understand that your nervous system is just being manipulated, it helps. I know you said you don't have good access to care, but if at all possible I'd also really recommend finding a practioner who's actually a real expert these things if you want to really make progress. What you're going through is awful but sounds totally treatable with the right knowledge.

You have my best wishes and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.

 

[MessyNonsense]

Pardon me

Hey so first of all, I'm so sorry for the hell you're going through. I've been in near-constant fight-or-flight my entire life too. Second, this is an area I'm actually fairly familiar with. I believe I can indeed shed some light on what's happening, though keep in mind it's based solely on what you've written here. Disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional nor an expert in any field; my knowledge comes from a very close person in my life being a traumatologist and a practicing psychotherapist, so I'm ALWAYS hearing about the latest research on this very type of thing. (I can't get them to shut up about it... lol)

You basically have a nervous system disorder. Of course, "nervous system disorder" can mean many things, but what it sounds like you have is a disregulation with your body's vasovagal states - that is, the "fight/flight/freeze mode" (AKA sympathetic mode) and what's known as "rest and digest" or "safe and social" mode (AKA parasympathetic mode). There are other modes but that's not relevant right now. Anyway, a healthy human is supposed to spend about 80% of their time in parasympathetic mode - and you're basically stuck in freeze mode, it sounds like. There are any number of likely causes... genetics, epigenetics, past trauma, autoimmune disorder, any combination of the above... the list goes on.

To answer your question about whether it's normal: no, it most certainly is not. That doesn't mean you're bad or anything, it just means if you were asking whether this is common for people, the answer is no. But rejoice! There are plenty of things you can do about it!

I recommend looking into things called EMDR, brainspotting, and EFT tapping. I also recommend doing research on vasovagal states so as to de-mystify what's happening to you - once you understand that your nervous system is just being manipulated, it helps. I know you said you don't have good access to care, but if at all possible I'd also really recommend finding a practioner who's actually a real expert these things if you want to really make progress. What you're going through is awful but sounds totally treatable with the right knowledge.

You have my best wishes and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.

Pardon me, the term I meant to use is actually polyvagal, not vasovagal. Thanks brainfog. Like I said, not an expert lmao

 

[alivebutnotliving]

i'm terribly sorry to hear how this has been affecting you. i show behavior very similarly, and have ocd.