Any other stupid people aware of their own stupidity and are tortured by it?

[NaturalBornNEET]

the most harrowing thing about having a low verbal IQ is how hard it is to put into words how much it mentally tortures me. I can think up a thought process that makes so much sense in my head and then when I go to writing it down it comes out so fucking bad and I never know the words to use. I swear everyone I see is better at articulating what they want to say and offers more thought provoking messages than me, I have absolutely nothing to contribute but I just want to join in because im isolated irl too, but I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

seeing how slow and thoughtless and shallow I am compared to everyone around me is so terrifying, I feel like im missing out on something everyone else knows about and sometimes I feel like I dont even have a soul. so much brainfog, deteriorating memory... so lonely... I cant connect with anyone because I cant communicate with anyone because I cant express myself and im too stupid for people to put up with me

and it pisses me off when smart people see stupid people as happy little lambs who are all ignorant of their own stupidity, and these smart people see themselves as oh so deep and brooding and cursed with knowledge but I know its all ego jerk offery and they secretly love feeling alone at the top better than everyone. But the worst part is even I hate stupid people! I cant stand myself because of it, there will never be a stupidity acceptance movement because stupidity is the worst most evil thing to ever exist

your mind is basically you, your ego, well thats how I see it, and when youre stupid and mentally disabled who you are is just shit, your experience of life is just shit and I feel no better than an animal, not even human

this whole vent has been a mess and waste of time because as usual I wasnt able to express what I meant so it just comes across as a stupid child rambling, this is so personal to me and is my biggest insecurity yet I cant even talk about it without coming across like a fool. ig its kinda a paradox, being low IQ and aware is one of the most mentally painful things ever but ill never be able to explain why... idk if that was the right use of the word paradox :/ im so stupid I could suicide by mind explosion trying to make sense of a Nikola Tesla quote

 

[FuneralCry]

I have always had low intelligence and I have always struggled to concentrate. In a way I feel already dead, my life is so empty. I am so tired of living. I just think that in my case, I am not meant for this life at all, I should have never existed in the first place. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, this life really can be torture. I wish you the best.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I cant connect with anyone because I cant communicate with anyone because I cant express myself and im too stupid for people to put up with me

I don't know buddy, I'm no Nobel Prize laureat myself, but I think you communicated your struggles in a perfectly understandable form. Which, I believe, points toward the fact you are smart enough to express yourself just fine. I know how your self-esteem can fool you into thinking otherwise, but that's just twisted self-perception. If you feel stupid it doesn't mean you really are. I think most people on this forum would agree you are perfectly fine at verbal communication.
Also the cynical part of me want to point out that this statement:

I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

is simply not true. There are plenty of people out there that are well liked in spite of being neither witty nor smart.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

I don't know buddy, I'm no Nobel Prize laureat myself, but I think you communicated your struggles in a perfectly understandable form. Which, I believe, points toward the fact you are smart enough to express yourself just fine. I know how your self-esteem can fool you into thinking otherwise, but that's just twisted self-perception. If you feel stupid it doesn't mean you really are. I think most people on this forum would agree you are perfectly fine at verbal communication.
Also the cynical part of me want to point out that this statement:

thank you for the kind words

while I know im not completely unable to express myself I just feel I cant do it to the level I want, and EVERYONE I see online seems to write better and more eloquently than me so it really does make me feel bottom of the barrel in this regard and I dont see it as twisted self perception, also I only really talked about verbal intelligence in this thread but there are other types of intelligence and brain functions I am far below average in

is simply not true. There are plenty of people out there that are well liked in spite of being neither witty nor smart.

I hope youre right, I know that constantly whining is a guaranteed way to become unlikeable to everyone so I should tone that down

 

[Stormboxer]

Holy shit you just described my life.

Although I'm even more stupid because I would never be able to write something like you just wrote. If I tried it would take me hours. Can't wait to get my SN so have the option to end it all

 

[CommitSudoku]

@Nessie brings up good points. I think you expressed yourself just fine, though I can understand sometimes "fine" isn't enough or what we want and that's still plenty frustrating. I used to write for fun, but since coming to college as soon as I go to write like that I no longer have the right words and it does hurt. Knowing exactly how you'd like to express something and having the idea there, but you're incapable.

Though it's been over a month now, welcome to the forums and I hope you can find community or something of worth on here.

I've never considered myself smart, I feel I'm average at best or below average. It used to effect me in the past and I was tortured by it since I was never good enough, but since college and my other issues got a lot worse... well, I guess it isn't the thing torturing me the most anymore.

I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

I also want to comment on this. I was always extremely isolated irl, and that still stands, but I was able to do decently online at one point. Honestly if you're kind, welcoming, and take an interest in others, you can make plenty of acquaintances and if you're able to find things in common, reach out more often, talk about hobbies, whatever, then you can potentially turn it in to a friendship. It can take effort of course, but I don't think I was ever very smart, I'm not very deep (I consider myself more practical), and I'm most definitely not funny/witty, or at least not often enough that it plays a factor. Anyways, none of those applied but I had a great curiosity about people and would rather have listened than tell about myself, so asking questions and taking an interest in others and then eventually finding shared interests and going from there led me to some great online friendships. Just thoughts.

Also I'll say as well, "misery likes company" - so vent and "whine" as much as you'd like on here. Others relate and we appreciate you posting your thoughts in any case. Best wishes going forward, whatever you decide to do.

 

[EraseRewind]

I enjoyed reading this thread and I really relate to each post in terms of my own existence. I feel I'm of average intelligence, some have said above and some have said below, and I have attained some academic achievements, but in my life I have made so many stupid decisions that have sabotaged any progress I might have made in spite of those achievements.

Many of these decisions were made as I pickled my being in alcohol and even though I knew it was ripping my life up I carried on into oblivion. I have made life altering decisions without ever thinking of the consequences in and out of alcoholic blackout and since I have been clean and sober I've wondered where my so called intelligence was hiding through all of that turmoil.

I now find that my mind is slower due to the punishment it received whilst drinking and I'm past middle age and getting no younger, yet I still make stupid decisions.

I can only conclude that stupidity is and has been terminal illness for me regardless of intelligence and I expect that one day I'll make that final stupid decision.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Holy shit you just described my life.

Although I'm even more stupid because I would never be able to write something like you just wrote. If I tried it would take me hours. Can't wait to get my SN so have the option to end it all

aha it actually took me an hour to write that up and send it tho anxiety was also at play

knowing I have the option to suicide really brings me peace at mind

Though it's been over a month now, welcome to the forums and I hope you can find community or something of worth on here.

thank you, I've missed the feeling of being apart of a community and wanted to experience it a last time

I've never considered myself smart, I feel I'm average at best or below average. It used to effect me in the past and I was tortured by it since I was never good enough, but since college and my other issues got a lot worse... well, I guess it isn't the thing torturing me the most anymore.

im sorry youre dealing with so much, I'm pretty young myself and so having more issues come up later in life for me is inevitable and im deeply afraid because I know I cant even handle the ones I have now

I also want to comment on this. I was always extremely isolated irl, and that still stands, but I was able to do decently online at one point. Honestly if you're kind, welcoming, and take an interest in others, you can make plenty of acquaintances and if you're able to find things in common, reach out more often, talk about hobbies, whatever, then you can potentially turn it in to a friendship. It can take effort of course, but I don't think I was ever very smart, I'm not very deep (I consider myself more practical), and I'm most definitely not funny/witty, or at least not often enough that it plays a factor. Anyways, none of those applied but I had a great curiosity about people and would rather have listened than tell about myself, so asking questions and taking an interest in others and then eventually finding shared interests and going from there led me to some great online friendships. Just thoughts.

Also I'll say as well, "misery likes company" - so vent and "whine" as much as you'd like on here. Others relate and we appreciate you posting your thoughts in any case. Best wishes going forward, whatever you decide to do.

thank you for the advice, I do definitely talk about myself too much and should learn to question other people, tho I do feel anxious about that sometimes as I fear ill accidentally offend someone or say something wrong

I enjoyed reading this thread and I really relate to each post in terms of my own existence. I feel I'm of average intelligence, some have said above and some have said below, and I have attained some academic achievements, but in my life I have made so many stupid decisions that have sabotaged any progress I might have made in spite of those achievements.

my whole life is just inaction or stupid mistakes

Many of these decisions were made as I pickled my being in alcohol and even though I knew it was ripping my life up I carried on into oblivion. I have made life altering decisions without ever thinking of the consequences in and out of alcoholic blackout and since I have been clean and sober I've wondered where my so called intelligence was hiding through all of that turmoil.

im sorry to hear, alcohol and drugs are straight up evil, being exposed to them in the womb is the cause of my mental disability now

depression, like alcohol for you, also made my already damaged mind even worse, it has given me brainfog and has made me no better than a snail, I am ruining my life through complete inaction

I can only conclude that stupidity is and has been terminal illness for me regardless of intelligence and I expect that one day I'll make that final stupid decision.

suicide will be my final decision and it will be the best one I have ever made

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

the most harrowing thing about having a low verbal IQ is how hard it is to put into words how much it mentally tortures me. I can think up a thought process that makes so much sense in my head and then when I go to writing it down it comes out so fucking bad and I never know the words to use. I swear everyone I see is better at articulating what they want to say and offers more thought provoking messages than me, I have absolutely nothing to contribute but I just want to join in because im isolated irl too, but I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

seeing how slow and thoughtless and shallow I am compared to everyone around me is so terrifying, I feel like im missing out on something everyone else knows about and sometimes I feel like I dont even have a soul. so much brainfog, deteriorating memory... so lonely... I cant connect with anyone because I cant communicate with anyone because I cant express myself and im too stupid for people to put up with me

and it pisses me off when smart people see stupid people as happy little lambs who are all ignorant of their own stupidity, and these smart people see themselves as oh so deep and brooding and cursed with knowledge but I know its all ego jerk offery and they secretly love feeling alone at the top better than everyone. But the worst part is even I hate stupid people! I cant stand myself because of it, there will never be a stupidity acceptance movement because stupidity is the worst most evil thing to ever exist

your mind is basically you, your ego, well thats how I see it, and when youre stupid and mentally disabled who you are is just shit, your experience of life is just shit and I feel no better than an animal, not even human

this whole vent has been a mess and waste of time because as usual I wasnt able to express what I meant so it just comes across as a stupid child rambling, this is so personal to me and is my biggest insecurity yet I cant even talk about it without coming across like a fool. ig its kinda a paradox, being low IQ and aware is one of the most mentally painful things ever but ill never be able to explain why... idk if that was the right use of the word paradox :/ im so stupid I could suicide by mind explosion trying to make sense of a Nikola Tesla quote

I feel the same. I know I'm stupid and I hate it & I hate me. It may not mean much but I understand what you are saying.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

Yes I can grasp the jist of most theories and teachings but really unable to possess full knowledge of complex topics.

I hate the fact that I don't think I've ever had true original thought.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Yes I can grasp the jist of most theories and teachings but really unable to possess full knowledge of complex topics.

I hate the fact that I don't think I've ever had true original thought.

I hate that too, being original, innovative and intellectual is always something ive deeply valued and wanted to be so when I found out all of that is determined mostly by genes and that I lost the genetic lottery in that regard my whole world and my reason for living came crashing down

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Constantly, though I should stress that I'm not just mad at myself because I'm stupid. I'm mad at myself because I'm stupid and evil. Maybe just being stupid isn't that bad but together with being evil, it becomes everything wrong with the world.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Constantly, though I should stress that I'm not just mad at myself because I'm stupid. I'm mad at myself because I'm stupid and evil. Maybe just being stupid isn't that bad but together with being evil, it becomes everything wrong with the world.

why do you see yourself as evil?

I dont see myself as good or virtuous and I see myself as having a few evil traits, my worst are being self absorbed, selfish, cowardly, envious and wrathful. but my stupidity and laziness make it so ill never actually do harm unto anyone, just annoy them

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

why do you see yourself as evil?

I dont see myself as good or virtuous and I see myself as having a few evil traits, my worst are being self absorbed, selfish, cowardly, envious and wrathful. but my stupidity and laziness make it so ill never actually do harm unto anyone, just annoy them

Mainly those reasons for me too, though the depths to which I've sunk may be a lot worse in my case. I also feel like a lot of the empathy I used to have has been used up and now I often take sadistic pleasure in seeing some people go through suffering because it alleviates me from thinking about my own. I'm also pretty cruel towards myself by not caring about my own health and constantly insulting myself for truthful reasons.

I also recognize that my self loathing is sometimes unintentionally manipulative and causes people to feel sorry for me when they should be condemning me which I also believe makes me quite evil because I have no intention of stopping despite knowing what I'm doing.

I too have had plenty of extremely evil plots thwarted by pure laziness and apathy which is why I know that me embracing life and beginning to love myself would just be the start of ruining other peoples' lives.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Mainly those reasons for me too, though the depths to which I've sunk may be a lot worse in my case. I also feel like a lot of the empathy I used to have has been used up and now I often take sadistic pleasure in seeing some people go through suffering because it alleviates me from thinking about my own. I'm also pretty cruel towards myself by not caring about my own health and constantly insulting myself for truthful reasons.

I also recognize that my self loathing is sometimes unintentionally manipulative and causes people to feel sorry for me when they should be condemning me which I also believe makes me quite evil because I have no intention of stopping despite knowing what I'm doing.

I too have had plenty of extremely evil plots thwarted by pure laziness and apathy which is why I know that me embracing life and beginning to love myself would just be the start of ruining other peoples' lives.

I appreciate the self awareness. That is a good quality at least. I am glad you are lazy so your evil plots fail.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Mainly those reasons for me too, though the depths to which I've sunk may be a lot worse in my case. I also feel like a lot of the empathy I used to have has been used up and now I often take sadistic pleasure in seeing some people go through suffering because it alleviates me from thinking about my own. I'm also pretty cruel towards myself by not caring about my own health and constantly insulting myself for truthful reasons.

I also recognize that my self loathing is sometimes unintentionally manipulative and causes people to feel sorry for me when they should be condemning me which I also believe makes me quite evil because I have no intention of stopping despite knowing what I'm doing.

I too have had plenty of extremely evil plots thwarted by pure laziness and apathy which is why I know that me embracing life and beginning to love myself would just be the start of ruining other peoples' lives.

wow thats literally me, most of what I say is just self loathing and im aware that its very manipulative especially on this site, most other sites my self loathing would be met with criticism and disgust but not here. I see it as manipulative but also as a defense mechanism, to make myself as small as possible, if I self loathe and insult myself and make people know im aware of everything negative about me theyll not see me as a threat and either pity me or kick me while im down, which is why I dont go anywhere else other than this site.

I also wish harm on certain people, abusive mean bullies in my case. but I think most people secretly have a group of people they want to see pushed into a volcano

 

[VoidDesirer22]

wow thats literally me, most of what I say is just self loathing and im aware that its very manipulative especially on this site, most other sites my self loathing would be met with criticism and disgust but not here. I see it as manipulative but also as a defense mechanism, to make myself as small as possible, if I self loathe and insult myself and make people know im aware of everything negative about me theyll not see me as a threat and either pity me or kick me while im down, which is why I dont go anywhere else other than this site.

I also wish harm on certain people, abusive mean bullies in my case. but I think most people secretly have a group of people they want to see pushed into a volcano

You'd be surprised how many people get a kick out of thinking they're more evil than others secretly. It is an extension of the atypical mind fallacy. Definition: the idea that no one has the same mind or thoughts as you and you are unique.

I have always had low intelligence and I have always struggled to concentrate. In a way I feel already dead, my life is so empty. I am so tired of living. I just think that in my case, I am not meant for this life at all, I should have never existed in the first place. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, this life really can be torture. I wish you the best.

How are your ctb plans going? I've seen you make this comment hundreds of times.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I appreciate the self awareness. That is a good quality at least. I am glad you are lazy so your evil plots fail.

Thanks, I try.

most other sites my self loathing would be met with criticism and disgust but not here. I see it as manipulative but also as a defense mechanism, to make myself as small as possible, if I self loathe and insult myself and make people know im aware of everything negative about me theyll not see me as a threat and either pity me or kick me while im down, which is why I dont go anywhere else other than this site.

Kind of frightening how accurately that describes my reasons for staying on this site too. I'm sorry that you are also afflicted by self-loathing. I'm not in your head so I can't know how much of it is warranted but I do know it feels painful to experience so I understand.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

You'd be surprised how many people get a kick out of thinking they're more evil than others secretly. It is an extension of the atypical mind fallacy. Definition: the idea that no one has the same mind or thoughts as you and you are unique.

yeah, I was gonna say that calling myself evil because of the reasons I listed above is me just being harsh on myself, I just think im damaged from everything ive been through and the people who made me the way I am are the really evil ones

I used to have atypical mind fallacy, id pride myself on being an outcast and would regard normal people with disgust, I was really edgy. coming to the realization I wasnt special was one of the biggest blows ive ever been dealt because that was the only thing my self esteem had going for it

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

This is very relatable. Back in school, everyone thought I was smart, but really I was just good at imitating, repeating information, turning things in on time.

Now, though, I can't even do that. It's like I'm living life in a haze - I can't ever focus, and am never fully here. It's not pleasant, though I'm too unfocused to say it's uncomfortable, either.

It's so hard for me to learn new things now. Things just don't stick in my brain anymore. And I have no ability to socialize and connect deeply with others without feeling like a fool or a fraud.

What's the point of living my life if I'm always looking through fog, unable to plan for the future because that takes too much effort, too much concentrated thought? Can hardly remember the past and what I do recall is always bad. And I'm never present, not really. It's exhausting.

 

[walt]

I'm not one to comment long on this issue seeing as.. I'm generally okay with getting my thoughts out to people, so first of all I sympathize with you.

But I'd like to say I appreciate and admire the fact that you've acknowledged you have a problem, whether or not you think you can solve it, and I think you can. Based off your other responses it is also likely that, since this is a vent and all, you really aren't that bad. You're kicking yourself while down, because that's how others have treated you.

Self-hatred is a horrible and agonizing torture ritual, and it is just endless at times. People confirm your biases against yourself, you act on them or feel you've acted on them, and then you ridicule yourself for behaviors YOU have not decided on. That whole psychological thing some people say about "you become what you think you are" is indeed true.

 

[Cathy Ames]

the most harrowing thing about having a low verbal IQ is how hard it is to put into words how much it mentally tortures me. I can think up a thought process that makes so much sense in my head and then when I go to writing it down it comes out so fucking bad and I never know the words to use. I swear everyone I see is better at articulating what they want to say and offers more thought provoking messages than me, I have absolutely nothing to contribute but I just want to join in because im isolated irl too, but I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

seeing how slow and thoughtless and shallow I am compared to everyone around me is so terrifying, I feel like im missing out on something everyone else knows about and sometimes I feel like I dont even have a soul. so much brainfog, deteriorating memory... so lonely... I cant connect with anyone because I cant communicate with anyone because I cant express myself and im too stupid for people to put up with me

and it pisses me off when smart people see stupid people as happy little lambs who are all ignorant of their own stupidity, and these smart people see themselves as oh so deep and brooding and cursed with knowledge but I know its all ego jerk offery and they secretly love feeling alone at the top better than everyone. But the worst part is even I hate stupid people! I cant stand myself because of it, there will never be a stupidity acceptance movement because stupidity is the worst most evil thing to ever exist

your mind is basically you, your ego, well thats how I see it, and when youre stupid and mentally disabled who you are is just shit, your experience of life is just shit and I feel no better than an animal, not even human

this whole vent has been a mess and waste of time because as usual I wasnt able to express what I meant so it just comes across as a stupid child rambling, this is so personal to me and is my biggest insecurity yet I cant even talk about it without coming across like a fool. ig its kinda a paradox, being low IQ and aware is one of the most mentally painful things ever but ill never be able to explain why... idk if that was the right use of the word paradox :/ im so stupid I could suicide by mind explosion trying to make sense of a Nikola Tesla quote

First of all, I think this was articulated very effectively, and I can certainly empathize. Also, I do think a person can be well-liked even if they aren't one of the ones who offer the witty and well-written replies.

 

[Thefuture]

Bro nothing matters but action

 

[jawdropped123]

the most harrowing thing about having a low verbal IQ is how hard it is to put into words how much it mentally tortures me. I can think up a thought process that makes so much sense in my head and then when I go to writing it down it comes out so fucking bad and I never know the words to use. I swear everyone I see is better at articulating what they want to say and offers more thought provoking messages than me, I have absolutely nothing to contribute but I just want to join in because im isolated irl too, but I also want to be well liked and if you arent smart, deep, funny or witty that will never happen.

seeing how slow and thoughtless and shallow I am compared to everyone around me is so terrifying, I feel like im missing out on something everyone else knows about and sometimes I feel like I dont even have a soul. so much brainfog, deteriorating memory... so lonely... I cant connect with anyone because I cant communicate with anyone because I cant express myself and im too stupid for people to put up with me

and it pisses me off when smart people see stupid people as happy little lambs who are all ignorant of their own stupidity, and these smart people see themselves as oh so deep and brooding and cursed with knowledge but I know its all ego jerk offery and they secretly love feeling alone at the top better than everyone. But the worst part is even I hate stupid people! I cant stand myself because of it, there will never be a stupidity acceptance movement because stupidity is the worst most evil thing to ever exist

your mind is basically you, your ego, well thats how I see it, and when youre stupid and mentally disabled who you are is just shit, your experience of life is just shit and I feel no better than an animal, not even human

this whole vent has been a mess and waste of time because as usual I wasnt able to express what I meant so it just comes across as a stupid child rambling, this is so personal to me and is my biggest insecurity yet I cant even talk about it without coming across like a fool. ig its kinda a paradox, being low IQ and aware is one of the most mentally painful things ever but ill never be able to explain why... idk if that was the right use of the word paradox :/ im so stupid I could suicide by mind explosion trying to make sense of a Nikola Tesla quote

Its one of my biggest insecurities too even tho i speak four languages and even tho i finished college at 21 my iq is very low i feel like everything i say is just stupid and people laugh at me even people that are supposed to be your friend some of them mske fun of you for making a grammar mistake out loud just to feel good about themselves

 

[dreambound]

As nessie said, if you feel stupid, it doesn't mean you are. Education, school, college etc. thrives on comparison, & the pecking order thats rife in schools & social media leads to all sorts of shit........As 1 of the smartest dudes in the universe said about a hundred or so years ago...'ALMOST ALL OUR SORROWS SPRING OUT OF OUR RELATIONS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'--arthur schopenhauer & here we are a squillion years later & nothings changed.
..it may help to realize that there are no role models in this world

 

[sadnessnsuicide]

and it pisses me off when smart people see stupid people as happy little lambs who are all ignorant of their own stupidity

It's super interesting to me that you mention this because I will admit I have repeated to myself many times this sentiment: that I wish I was less intelligent so I would suffer less. Reading your post has really made me think.

In a way I also very much relate to you. I know that academically I am quite smart and am able to learn quickly in a work environment, ect ect ect, and at the same time I have taken so many stupid fucking decisions over the span of my life that I joke to my friends that I'm a smooth-brain. In reality, the joke is based in the fact that I feel dumber and inferior than most of my peers because none of them struggle with treating people properly or controlling their anger or their sadness. No, instead it's just me, the weirdo who is both loved and exiled. I hate it. I wish I was normal. I wish I was a functioning person.

 

[stupidldiot]

im a complete idiot hence my name. the only thing im good at is song construction but i dont even do that anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

How are your ctb plans going? I've seen you make this comment hundreds of times.

Yes, I know that I have made many repetitive posts. It is just a way to pass the time. I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult, there is the fear of failure which is holding me back. If it was easier to leave this world, I would already be gone.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

This is very relatable. Back in school, everyone thought I was smart, but really I was just good at imitating, repeating information, turning things in on time.

Now, though, I can't even do that. It's like I'm living life in a haze - I can't ever focus, and am never fully here. It's not pleasant, though I'm too unfocused to say it's uncomfortable, either.

It's so hard for me to learn new things now. Things just don't stick in my brain anymore. And I have no ability to socialize and connect deeply with others without feeling like a fool or a fraud.

What's the point of living my life if I'm always looking through fog, unable to plan for the future because that takes too much effort, too much concentrated thought? Can hardly remember the past and what I do recall is always bad. And I'm never present, not really. It's exhausting.

sounds like brainfog which is something I also got from depression, I'm going through the same emotional turmoil as you, my memory is getting worse and worse and my mind is either blank, remembering bad memories from the past, fantasizing or self loathing

I'm not one to comment long on this issue seeing as.. I'm generally okay with getting my thoughts out to people, so first of all I sympathize with you.

But I'd like to say I appreciate and admire the fact that you've acknowledged you have a problem, whether or not you think you can solve it, and I think you can. Based off your other responses it is also likely that, since this is a vent and all, you really aren't that bad. You're kicking yourself while down, because that's how others have treated you.

Self-hatred is a horrible and agonizing torture ritual, and it is just endless at times. People confirm your biases against yourself, you act on them or feel you've acted on them, and then you ridicule yourself for behaviors YOU have not decided on. That whole psychological thing some people say about "you become what you think you are" is indeed true.

thank you for your sympathy, sadly I cannot solve my problem since it is caused by a permanent condition I was born with. I feel my self hatred is rational and in touch with reality and the only antidote to this self hatred is suicide or self delusion

Bro nothing matters but action

behind every smart action is smart thought

Its one of my biggest insecurities too even tho i speak four languages and even tho i finished college at 21 my iq is very low i feel like everything i say is just stupid and people laugh at me even people that are supposed to be your friend some of them mske fun of you for making a grammar mistake out loud just to feel good about themselves

yeah neurotypicals seem to have an uncontrollable urge to laugh in my face and correct me whenever I mispronounce a word or stutter, its just their ego jumping for joy at the chance to feel better than someone else

being able to speak 4 languages is extremely impressive btw, already well above the average persons capabilities and I wouldn't fault you for making the occasional grammar mistake because having 4 languages stored in your memory is already impressive enough and it must be hard to be fluent 100% of the time

As nessie said, if you feel stupid, it doesn't mean you are. Education, school, college etc. thrives on comparison, & the pecking order thats rife in schools & social media leads to all sorts of shit........As 1 of the smartest dudes in the universe said about a hundred or so years ago...'ALMOST ALL OUR SORROWS SPRING OUT OF OUR RELATIONS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'--arthur schopenhauer & here we are a squillion years later & nothings changed.
..it may help to realize that there are no role models in this world

yeah that quote is pretty spot on, I feel most my sorrows come from my experiences with other people but I also have sorrow from being currently completely alone and isolated, I have only really had one pretty good friendship and apart from that every other relation I've had has been absolutely terrible. yet I still dream of that fantasy of finding my soul mate or just anyone I can be closely intimate with, intimacy is an experience I've never really had but I know my imagination is making it out to be better than what it actually is like in reality.

I try my best to isolate myself so I have no one to compare myself too but sadly I cant forget all those memories

It's super interesting to me that you mention this because I will admit I have repeated to myself many times this sentiment: that I wish I was less intelligent so I would suffer less. Reading your post has really made me think.

I'm happy to hear, I do know that not all stupid people are aware of their stupidity, and for those types I could see them being overall happier with living a simple life. I am deeply envious of people with the ability to deeply contemplate about things and grasp and fully understand abstract concepts and reach philosophical, intellectual and spiritual truths and realizations, and not having this ability makes me feel no better than an animal on a lower level of consciousness, who will never reach the truth and is spiritually doomed to live in suffocating fog for all eternity, death and beyond

In a way I also very much relate to you. I know that academically I am quite smart and am able to learn quickly in a work environment, ect ect ect, and at the same time I have taken so many stupid fucking decisions over the span of my life that I joke to my friends that I'm a smooth-brain. In reality, the joke is based in the fact that I feel dumber and inferior than most of my peers because none of them struggle with treating people properly or controlling their anger or their sadness. No, instead it's just me, the weirdo who is both loved and exiled. I hate it. I wish I was normal. I wish I was a functioning person.

I relate, I get so angry but I can never express it which I hate, pent up anger is the most agonizing emotion ever, I'm also very impulsive which has lead me to make mistakes before