I'm about 18 months clean off of alcohol, although I've certainly thought about going back to it or trying something else just as a means of feeling something other than this. It might be hopeless—I've actually tried legal (by prescription) ketamine and its under-patent cousin esketamine for over a year, and I still feel like shit. I actually really didn't like the way esketamine made me feel. It seemed like a preview of what it must be like to lie around in a hospital bed, waiting to die. The IV version is better, at least it temporarily kills anxiety instead of making it worse, but I still hate my life. Most people really seem to like the way ketamine makes them feel, so if I don't even enjoy that, what are my chances with anything?
For a minute there I thought about trying for a heroin overdose, but I guess that's actually a pretty bad way to go. Opioids have a weird effect on me, too. They make me feel calm and almost happy for a couple of hours, and then I feel like absolute hell for days or weeks. It's like they suck all three molecules of dopamine in my body into my neuroreceptors at once, and then once those are gone, that's it. Store's closed. I've heard of that happening to people who were using heavily for a while, but that's not even what I'm talking about. I'm talking about like a 3 day prescription for Norco 5 for a toothache—pills which I even took as directed—screwing me up for days. I hate to say it, but I'd probably better leave opioids alone, unless I'm planning on ctb with them. You won't get addicted if you don't have a pulse.
