Help Any ideas on how to stop survival instinct when trying with a firearm?

[undecidedfool]

(oh look I'm back less than 4 months after "getting better")

Back in the Spring, I got so close to ctb-ing. I had made it 2 hours from home to the place I planned to shoot myself. I had the gun next to me ready to go.

Then survival instinct had me scared shitless. I ended up informally surrending the gun to a cop I knew and voluntarily going to a hospital for a week, followed by 2 months of an intensive therapy program and changing my meds. I genuinely believed I was going to be okay for longer this time.

Anyways, back to the question: If I were to attempt again, how would you suggest calming down the nerves and survival instinct? (I'd ask if it helped you in the past, but I don't think you'd be responding if it had.)

I don't want to go through the whole process of buying another gun just to have to pay for and go through the same process I did before. That shit was expensive.

TIA

 

[never mind me]

The only thing I could think of would be to take benzodiazepines before an attempt. And regarding the gun, maybe just keep it next time, even if you can't go through with your attempt the first time you try.

 

[nayomi]

if you have si i guess you shouldnt do it to be honest