I never really realised that I suffer from anxiety. That's because I am good at avoiding situations that may make me anxious.
I have been saving up to buy a house for many years. I did make offers on a couple about 10 years ago but got outbid. Looking back, I think I felt some sort of relief because being outbid meant that I saved myself the anxiety of the homebuying process.
Five years ago, my mother, who I had been living with, died. I needed to move out of her home. I saw a lovely house for sale, but my girlfriend invited me to live with her. Again, I think this was a relief as I wouldn't have to deal with the homebuying process, even though I would then have to buy a car for the 50 mile per day commute, instead of living a 5 minute walk from work. A few months after I moved in, I received some inheritance from my mum. I was in a great financial position. I could buy some reasonable homes outright, or some even nicer ones if I borrowed less than my salary (at a very low interest rate). But I had irrational thoughts and couldn't decide between two locations. One was where my job was based (A) (which I really liked) and the other was where my job may have been moving to in a couple of years (B) (which was close to where I was living). I looked at details of properties online and saved them as 'favourites', so I could think about them. Each time, I looked at a property in 'A', I would think 'but what if my job moves to 'B'? and each time I looked at a property in 'B', I thought "but what if my job stays at 'A'? 'A' and 'B' are 25 miles apart, and I was commuting from 'B' to 'A' anyway. Although I didn't enjoy the commute, it was MUCH easier than the commute from 'A' to 'B' is. 'A' is a commuter town and 'B' is a city centre (I was living on the outskirts of the city). I played with spreadsheets to work out if I could afford them, but managed to dissuade myself from viewing them. My girlfriend and I had tentatively thought about living in 'my' home and renting hers out, but unfortunately, we didn't make firm plans and she didn't give me the kick up the backside that I needed. We just seemed to drift along happily. When the pandemic hit, I could see bidding wars, rising prices etc, but didn't think it would last long. My anxiety prevented me from getting involved in the mayhem.
Now my girlfriend has dumped me (and who can blame her?) and I am homeless. I can no longer afford anything outright, rents are more than my salary, mortgage rates have doubled and I will need to borrow twice as much as I would have done. My job has not only moved to 'B' but I have been given a new job which I hate and am not good at. There is a serious risk that I could be sacked because I am not performing well as my housing situation is constantly on my mind. I've been staying at friends' homes, but they've all struggled with my anxiety so I keep getting kicked out. If I do rent, the landlords want references from previous landlords, which I don't have. I can't buy anywhere as I don't have a fixed address. On top of that, I keep thinking about the homes that I looked at on the internet when I received my inheritance. It seems so obvious now that the best time to buy would be just after the inheritance was received (even ignoring the skyrocketed prices due to COVID). I can't understand why my thoughts were so irrational. It's as though they weren't 'my' thoughts and I was obsessed with 'needing' to know where my job was going to be based so that I could move on with my life. In my mind, I knew it would move, but instead of using foresight and committing to buy somewhere in 'B', I waited to find out. I ignored the fact that house prices would go up while I was waiting and had the attitude that having 'saved' properties as 'favourites' that I could come back at any point in the future and choose then. I liked working at 'A' and felt institutionalised there, but location 'B' offers so many more opportunities for me. My friends and church are all based at 'B'. I can't come to terms with the fact that my girlfriend and I could have been married, with child(ren), living mortgage free (or nearly mortgage free) in a lovely home and renting one house out, but instead, I am looking at spending 8 times what I would have been spending on a mortgage, so that I can rent a room. My irrational thoughts have messed my life up, I have deprived my girlfriend of her dream of having children (it's probably too late for her now), so I get upset every time I see or hear children now, as I am filled with remorse. I have been a burden (and still am a burden) to other friends as well. They thought they were giving me some short-term help when I first moved in with my girlfriend, but they're still helping me over 5 years later, which I feel dreadful about. My irrational thoughts, brought on by anxiety have reduced me to the state I am in and don't think I can go on any longer. I keep getting anxiety attacks and really wish one was a heart attack instead so that my life would end.
