LavenderButterfly
Member
- Feb 11, 2023
- 18
Now, I understand that it is probably how the humans work. Urgency = productivity. But here is the catch: anxiety is what also prevents me from living normally. I feel constant fatigue and I never seem to fully recover from it, even if I spend vacations doing practically nothing. I just go back to the routine and a couple of days later I feel drained again. I keep waking up at nights and can't get a normal sleep, I am somewhat emotionally unstable and at times can't communicate properly. All the usual stuff.
Anyway, I tried therapy a couple of times, got prescribed pills, don't remember the names anymore, but basically antidepressants and tranquilizers. They actually helped me! I was talking normally about things which would usually make me really angry, I stopped being such a worrywart about everything. But I completely stopped caring about my life. There was no sense of danger anymore and no reason to ever get up from the bed. I'm actually not sure if that's the intended effect, and I never managed to talk with my therapist about it, because stuff like this costs money and I only have so much. And I can't help but feel cautious sharing this stuff, because I've been to a psych ward 4 years ago and it scarred me. Overall, this seems like a net-loss for me, since I've spent the last several months fixing the problems I've caused by feeling generally content with my own life. Such an irony...
But what I want help with is: what do I even do with all this? I probably have some mental problems, but I don't want to get diagnosed because it would put a big red cross over my chances of getting a decent job. I don't want to feel anxious all the time, because it keeps hurting me in so many ways, including by my own hands... But I can't stop feeling anxious because it turns me into a human-sized doll with no will or power to do anything. I don't have anyone close to me irl to drag me out of the bed, and 'net friends can't do anything about it either, since I will just blatantly lie right to their faces, just to not get scolded or abandoned as a lost cause...
Anyway, I tried therapy a couple of times, got prescribed pills, don't remember the names anymore, but basically antidepressants and tranquilizers. They actually helped me! I was talking normally about things which would usually make me really angry, I stopped being such a worrywart about everything. But I completely stopped caring about my life. There was no sense of danger anymore and no reason to ever get up from the bed. I'm actually not sure if that's the intended effect, and I never managed to talk with my therapist about it, because stuff like this costs money and I only have so much. And I can't help but feel cautious sharing this stuff, because I've been to a psych ward 4 years ago and it scarred me. Overall, this seems like a net-loss for me, since I've spent the last several months fixing the problems I've caused by feeling generally content with my own life. Such an irony...
But what I want help with is: what do I even do with all this? I probably have some mental problems, but I don't want to get diagnosed because it would put a big red cross over my chances of getting a decent job. I don't want to feel anxious all the time, because it keeps hurting me in so many ways, including by my own hands... But I can't stop feeling anxious because it turns me into a human-sized doll with no will or power to do anything. I don't have anyone close to me irl to drag me out of the bed, and 'net friends can't do anything about it either, since I will just blatantly lie right to their faces, just to not get scolded or abandoned as a lost cause...
