Venting anxiety and SI makes it difficult

[Sweetsinking]

I'd like to die because of my depression, but i believe it's a control thing too. I don't want my life 'taken' from me. I don't want to wait and see how I'm gonna die or when. i've always had an anxiety around death such as when I was a kid, and id calculate how many years my parents could have potentially left, which scares me because its uncontrollable.

onto the suicide part, i'm not necessarily worried about my family or boyfriend being sad, but i feel sympathy. I'm just scared. last year i turned myself in because i was scared knowing i had the potential to end my own life, and it scares me thinking about my body continuing on earth with soulless eyes and decomposing. Right now i actively search for methods, but i just cant do it because I know when i'll start to feel myself die, the SI will kick in and i will try to save myself. if this happens i dont want to live with life altering damage/bills, and if i do go through with suicide, i dont want to survive.

it's hard for me planning it because of the anxiety of knowing i wont be here, failure, my corpse, and saving myself, so i know i just need the right resources and something to cause me impulse. It just needs to be done at some point though. the brains power to try to stop you from dying is crazy.

It makes me jealous of the people who can decide to take something like pills (which many also survive) and head out the first try, while im stressing myself out trying to guarantee my death and pushing past my anxiety. I do try to change my perspective on how ive lived and experienced enough, and am looking for some sweet music to play to push me through my fear.

 

[ipmanwc0]

i think once you want it badly enough you will overcome SI. you can also take alcohol to reduce your inhibitions. also for me, certain methods when I imagine myself doing them it doesn't scare me. like if i imagine myself jumping I think i probably can't do it but when i imagine myself ctbing with inert gas i imagine myself falling asleep with a smile and i don't have an issue preparing for that

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly wish it's much more straightforward to be free from this existence, it would be relieving and would prevent so much suffering if we could easily free ourselves in peace. I also envy those people who ctb, I find it cruel how it's so difficult to die but anyway best wishes.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I also have anxiety and relatively strong SI so I feel you...
I also envy those who dared to go through with an attempt knowing that they may survive...
I found a way to live with myself by telling myself that this doesn't mean I feel that life is valuable or important or that kind of shit, nor does this mean that I don't want to die. It may just be because it's not the right time yet, and when the time comes, I'll be so determined that none of these can stop me anymore, and my ctb is going to feel very natural and go smoothly.

 

[ChiseHatori]

Extremely similar to what I'm going through... I hope we both find peace.

 

[Dr. Henjin]

I'm going through something similar. Just drinking every night trying to lower my inhibitions enough to go through with a partial suspension. Best wishes to you and you're not alone in this feeling.