Venting Another vent, sorry

[falling_snow]

Sorry for this.

I feel like recovery is already out of the picture. There is no reason, why did I believe it in the first place? FuneralCry is right, recovery is shit and they treat it like an illness. I believed that it could get better, but it doesn't. It isn't an illness, it's basically seeing the world as it is, fucking hell. If God ever existed, he might have created heaven, but we would have made it shit.

I'm so done with everything that I don't even feel angry or sad, nor disappointed. I just feel empty. Nothing. Fuck all. I wish I could keep going, I'm even struggling w everything right now. I'm probably buying a rope, I'm going with partial hanging. I can't wait for SN. I've really lost all hope.

 

[iloverachel]

Sorry things are so bad.
Life is truly awful beyond words

 

[falling_snow]

Sorry things are so bad.
Life is truly awful beyond words

Thanks, I'm in a really "bad" place. I can't go much longer, I hope that Monday I will post a goodbye thread.

 

[derpyderpins]

Sorry for this.

I feel like recovery is already out of the picture. There is no reason, why did I believe it in the first place? FuneralCry is right, recovery is shit and they treat it like an illness. I believed that it could get better, but it doesn't. It isn't an illness, it's basically seeing the world as it is, fucking hell. If God ever existed, he might have created heaven, but we would have made it shit.

I'm so done with everything that I don't even feel angry or sad, nor disappointed. I just feel empty. Nothing. Fuck all. I wish I could keep going, I'm even struggling w everything right now. I'm probably buying a rope, I'm going with partial hanging. I can't wait for SN. I've really lost all hope.

Never be sorry about venting. If you can't do it here, where can you do it? And we all need to.

As far as why you believe, it's because you know life isn't 100% bad, and there are some good things. You see possibility against the odds. It's built into us.

 

[Meteora]

Don't feel sorry. I relate to your words so much..... we are not ill. This kind of "support" or "therapy" cannot make things better. It is so sad and devastating but it seems there is no place, no space for people like us..... I was in denial about that fact for very long, I just could not accept it because I did not want to die, I wanted to have a better life. It is very crushing.
I m in the woods right now. I m looking for a tree that is hidden enough and has a strong branch with a good hight to fix a rope. But since it is spring, the leaves are still small and you can see far looking through the trees. Meaning I might not have the time I need to hang and could be found before. That would be horrible, obviously. I wish you all the best from my heart... may you find peace .

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best wishes, existence truly is so dreadful.

 

[falling_snow]

Im going to use this thread as a vent thread, full creds for the one that started it.

I really fucking hate socializing. Idk why i always think, maybe this time it will be different, but it never is. People have fun while isolating me. They won't bother to include me. My therapist told me that maybe I should open up to others, and I thought that maybe I'll give it a try, and if it went well I would reconsider ctb.

NO. NO FUCKING LUCK. People are just shitty and don't give a fuck about you. I am as invisible and worthless as if I weren't there. People look me weird, they stop talking when I start talking to them, they laugh behind my back (or right in front of my face). I feel insulted whenever I have to talk. I am tired of trying to open up.

I'm fine in here, and from now on, fuck this shit. I'm out. I'm not going to give another chance or try again.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

Im going to use this thread as a vent thread, full creds for the one that started it.

I really fucking hate socializing. Idk why i always think, maybe this time it will be different, but it never is. People have fun while isolating me. They won't bother to include me. My therapist told me that maybe I should open up to others, and I thought that maybe I'll give it a try, and if it went well I would reconsider ctb.

NO. NO FUCKING LUCK. People are just shitty and don't give a fuck about you. I am as invisible and worthless as if I weren't there. People look me weird, they stop talking when I start talking to them, they laugh behind my back (or right in front of my face). I feel insulted whenever I have to talk. I am tired of trying to open up.

I'm fine in here, and from now on, fuck this shit. I'm out. I'm not going to give another chance or try again.

I feel what you experienced in some way. It always feels like the people I am talking to would have more fun when I am not around them. I don't understand how people are able to make friends so easily let alone how easily they can find dates and then cheat on each other too and leave then. Its truly wild to me and I don't understand most of that...

People really just only care about themselves and nobody else. Always being so mean and just not understanding my needs and that I wanna hang out with them sometime too. Always being left ignored and uncared for.

I wish you the best of luck, on your journey. My method of choice is also hanging, I still don't know will I do partial or full hanging but only time will tell what is most practical in the location I end up in.

 

[Raindancer]

I relate as well. I have a very hard time socializing anymore. My last big effort was in Feb. and I remember sitting there listening as everyone talked and laughed and was thinking what the F am I doing here. It was a big issue when my ex and I would be out. People only ever talked about themselves, showed no interest in anyone else.

I am sorry you have experienced that. It's isolating and very hurtful.

 

[falling_snow]

I'm so afraid of waking up tomorrow. Honestly, compared to everything in my life, this will be probably the most temporary and quick to pass.

But I'm in a terrible mental state, I have nobody I can trust, I am so paranoid of everybody. I don't know who I can trust. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I'm so afraid. I can't do it. I want to escape all this. Everybody I know hates me. I can't. If it gets so bad, at least I have the rope.

How I wish for reassurance from someone just to know I am still human.

 

[ebg]

Sorry for this.

I feel like recovery is already out of the picture. There is no reason, why did I believe it in the first place? FuneralCry is right, recovery is shit and they treat it like an illness. I believed that it could get better, but it doesn't. It isn't an illness, it's basically seeing the world as it is, fucking hell. If God ever existed, he might have created heaven, but we would have made it shit.

I'm so done with everything that I don't even feel angry or sad, nor disappointed. I just feel empty. Nothing. Fuck all. I wish I could keep going, I'm even struggling w everything right now. I'm probably buying a rope, I'm going with partial hanging. I can't wait for SN. I've really lost all hope.

"It isn't an illness, it's basically seeing the world as it is, fucking hell." Yes, I'm tired of being called "sick" or "mentally deranged". When suicide is your goal, no one is to be trusted because they will try to "help" you. I don't think there is anything wrong with suicide and I don't think you should be forced against your will to go to a ward, if someone has lived long enough and has decided that life is not for them, then they should have the right to exit out of life whenever they want. "Life is a prison" -- it is funny because it is, because police literally arrest you if someone tells them you are suicidal.

 

[falling_snow]

dumb vent again.

im pretty young, and thats a fact. im probably in the younger group of the forum (20s). i have to live with it.

Spoiler: NSFW?

sometimes i wonder if i really want to ctb or just waste my life and destroy my body. i constantly have thoughts about selling my body (tho im not pretty) and just rely on drugs and SH to live

i honestly think about all that i could have done w my life if i was reassured a bit more 10 years ago, maybe if i were slightly more handsome, maybe more social, a bit more confident, a bit funnier... maybe if i had better friends, if i had taken college a bit more seriously, or maybe high school too. maybe if i had met better people...

but all those are ifs so ill just ignore them, i cannot change that. anyways, at least life is looking a bit better lately. a lot better honestly. leaving those that hurt me, stop faking relationships, stop forcing myself to be a 'normal' person. but i still feel like living is so terrible. everyday i open my eyes i want to die.
also, lately ive started getting more and more anxious about the fact that im living. breathing is getting so hard and im feeling more and more my skin, my flesh, my body. i can feel my skin and its so disgusting. being alive is so disgusting.

honestly, it has been so long since ive been "active" in SaSu. it just feels so nice in here. ill probably write more during the next days, so yea. thats all. i just wanted to rant about this.