Venting Another sleepless night

[compulsoryaliveness]

Can't sleep. Took the sleeping pills I take every night 7 hours ago, about to see the sunrise at least.

The sunset and the sunrise are still beautiful, thank fuck.

In a few days it will be one year since my friend ctb. Selfishly, I am remembering what was happening to me when it happened. I was going through some bullshit intensive suicide prevention thing so I could kill myself at the end of it and everyone could blame the system. Anyway, I only had a month left, had everything I needed to go after a depressive episode that bordered on psychotic.

Then she ctb. Her best friend, also one of mine, is bedbound with a serious illness. I couldn't do it straight after my friend, it would be too fucked up. So instead I ramped up my drinking and carried on, trying to look after the friend who didn't die (badly). Eventually it all came out and I became a burden.

I don't think talking about wanting to die has ever once helped me. What a scam to reach out to people, sorry, maybe it won't be for you! But I'm over 30 now. My first serious plan I did at 8 years old.

Anyway, I haven't always been this level of depressed, I don't think. 6 months ago I quit drinking entirely and it helped me out of dissociation but the depression never left.

I'm still depressed. There is just nothing in this society that I think it worth contributing to. As far as I'm concerned, let it burn anew.

I don't mean to get political, I know there's all kinds of wingnuts bouncing around these forums, but in all honesty the world war is here and it's closer than I thought a year ago. Maybe I don't need to muster all the energy back and organise the bus timelines and get a ticket and make sure the ticket arrives on time and pretend I'm not getting the bus for long enough so no one suspects my trip away is actually to ctb.

Honestly I feel so right of mind. I just don't want to keep living in this society. I feel permanently "too much" for everyone, and I feel permanently bored by others.

This is just a rant. Figured this is the place to do it. Running out of ways to distract myself from the 18 month long every single day desire to catch the fucking bus.

 

[EmptyBottle]

talking on this forum can sometimes be more helpful than in person, depending on who one is talking too.

Well done on quitting drinking.

Sometimes taking reasonable but small steps, even when one doesn't feel like it, can help with depression, but I am not sure what the results could be. I find spending time in nature and with pets makes me feel better usually.

I also sometimes feel like embracing non existence. What 'keeps' me going is probably the fact that non existence will arrive eventually (or conditions improve sometimes), so I try to do what can be done before then.