darkenmydoorstep
Not Waving But Browned Off….
- Sep 27, 2023
- 620
I no longer care who reads these.
It is the writing that is therapeutic.
We're connected in our disconnect anyway.
Another year ahead.
I go through the same old cycle, get really low, realise I'm too weak of mind to do myself in so have no choice but to rise. So I'm making do, getting by, trying. Til I reach that plateau, the point of "why?", "what's the point" again. "For what?" I'm just existing.
So I trudge back down into the mud, wallow in it, pull myself out when I realise I'm too weak to take it to conclusion by ending it…..and so it repeats.
Maybe the aim should be to get progressively weaker in mind therefore consciously eroding one's 'will to live' so the physical pains of doing away with oneself are secondary to the tremendous mental upkeep of staying alive.
Hmm…..
I can never decide. To be depressed all the time is exhausting so our instinct (and societal expectation) is to try to cajole ourselves out of it. But maybe if you don't just not fight your downer but actively assist it as worthy quest, you eventually push through a point at which you're so drained that physical pain is a mere inconvenience to the peace that lies ahead. That you see the greater good (not encouraging anyone btw, just speaking for myself and exploring the idea)
It is the writing that is therapeutic.
We're connected in our disconnect anyway.
Another year ahead.
I go through the same old cycle, get really low, realise I'm too weak of mind to do myself in so have no choice but to rise. So I'm making do, getting by, trying. Til I reach that plateau, the point of "why?", "what's the point" again. "For what?" I'm just existing.
So I trudge back down into the mud, wallow in it, pull myself out when I realise I'm too weak to take it to conclusion by ending it…..and so it repeats.
Maybe the aim should be to get progressively weaker in mind therefore consciously eroding one's 'will to live' so the physical pains of doing away with oneself are secondary to the tremendous mental upkeep of staying alive.
Hmm…..
I can never decide. To be depressed all the time is exhausting so our instinct (and societal expectation) is to try to cajole ourselves out of it. But maybe if you don't just not fight your downer but actively assist it as worthy quest, you eventually push through a point at which you're so drained that physical pain is a mere inconvenience to the peace that lies ahead. That you see the greater good (not encouraging anyone btw, just speaking for myself and exploring the idea)
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