Another mistake

[KiraLittleOwl]

First, forgive me for uninformative post, it is just a rant. I can't share this anywhere else.
So I wrote in a group chat that I am going to ctb. Bad move, I don't know why I did it, sometimes I can't control myself.
My ex reached out to me but she said something what triggered me and I crashed my phone against the floor.
I suspected that she will call the cops and waited until the night, cops didn't arrive. I prepared SN from fresh batch but couldn't do it... Just couldn't. My cat wanted to sit on my lap this very moment.
In the morning cops showed up to check on me, I assured them that I was fine and they left. Then my friend came to my place and persuaded me to come with her to stay at her's.
She took me here and I was feeling a little bit better.. it was a distraction for maybe a couple of days, I don't know, I lost myself in time and don't know how long I have been here.
She decided it's a good idea to let her son and his fiance to live at my apartment and I have agreed.
Pretty soon I started to feel horrible again, I am stuck here wanting to die every second, not able to cry freely, experiencing hell and blaming myself for not being able to do what was needed to be done.
Why, why I am so stupid, why I am so weak.
I can't do anything right.
I swear if I had a gun I would pull the trigger right away. This is physically painful.
Fuuuuuuuuck me

 

[Donk]

i dont think you are weak. ctb is extremely tough to accomplish. please dont be so hard on yourself. deep down there might be part of you that dont want to leave this life yet. maybe your cat sensed that you were in a moment of distress and wanted comfort you.

ive learn not to share my desire to ctb outside of this forum.

 

[faust]

If I understood correctly, that person did not want to leave you alone because you have hard times. These are not just words, these are real actions.
You have nice people around you, try to see what will happen next. What has been done is already done, don't blame yourself for wrong decisions.
You will do what you want anyway, despite anybody else being at home, why not give it a try and run away from yourself for some time?
Sending you hugs

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Something about this agreement doesn't seem right to me. Is she having them live with you to keep you from ctb'ing? How old is her son? What doesn't seem right is that she seems to be sacrificing their potential well-being to keep you from ctb'ing. But she doesn't seem to be considering that if you really want to, you may end up doing it whether they're there or not, and if her son is young, that's going to do long-term damage to him.

My impression, take it or toss it, is that this is yours to own. If you want resources to help you not ctb if it's not what you really want, then you have to seek them out and engage with them at your own will. Folks just being there to watch you is only going to give more validity and power to ctb, whether it's the right choice or not.

If them staying with you is not what you want, then I would suggest you firmly say no. It's too intimate. Is she going to be there as well? Is there anyone else living there besides you? Based on life experience, it's a very unwise move for her to throw her fiance at another woman for any reason. I don't care how trustworthy he is or you are, that's just a really unwise move on her part. It could so easily blow up, and you can lose a friendship over this.

Just my impressions and thoughts...

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

If I understood correctly, that person did not want to leave you alone because you have hard times. These are not just words, these are real actions.
You have nice people around you, try to see what will happen next. What has been done is already done, don't blame yourself for wrong decisions.
You will do what you want anyway, despite anybody else being at home, why not give it a try and run away from yourself for some time?
Sending you hugs

Thank you
I am grateful to have a caring friend around but I believe I am too broken, nobody can save me, I am just going to hurt people more and prolong my suffering.
I feel really really horrible, I have urges to go out and jump under a truck.

Something about this agreement doesn't seem right to me. Is she having them live with you to keep you from ctb'ing? How old is her son? What doesn't seem right is that she seems to be sacrificing their potential well-being to keep you from ctb'ing. But she doesn't seem to be considering that if you really want to, you may end up doing it whether they're there or not, and if her son is young, that's going to do long-term damage to him.

My impression, take it or toss it, is that this is yours to own. If you want resources to help you not ctb if it's not what you really want, then you have to seek them out and engage with them at your own will. Folks just being there to watch you is only going to give more validity and power to ctb, whether it's the right choice or not.

If them staying with you is not what you want, then I would suggest you firmly say no. It's too intimate. Is she going to be there as well? Is there anyone else living there besides you? Based on life experience, it's a very unwise move for her to throw her fiance at another woman for any reason. I don't care how trustworthy he is or you are, that's just a really unwise move on her part. It could so easily blow up, and you can lose a friendship over this.

Just my impressions and thoughts...

she's not a very close friend. I live here with her, her husband, 4 year old boy, 12 year old boy and 17 year old daughter while her older son and his gf are at my place.
She knew that I was in mental hospital over attempts to hang myself, I paid her to look after my cats while I was away and she had to untie the noose that I left there.
I help them financially a little because her husband and son were laid off due to the coronavirus lockdown.
She's a simple woman but kind hearted, I think it was a bad decision for both of us to take me here but I was too distressed to think properly when she persuaded to come with her.
And her older son who lives in my apartment - he gives me shady vibes, I have my Bitcoin wallet there laying around with keys.
I shouldn't agree to that.
This is wrong.
I told her that I want be back to my apartment in a week and she said we will see then.
I have no power to insist on something.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I told her that I want be back to my apartment in a week and she said we will see then.
I have no power to insist on something.

Why not?

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Why not?

I don't know, probably because I am suicidal, we don't speak about it.
I feel guilty that I said yes to let her son to stay at my place and now have changed my mind, I can't insist.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I feel guilty that I said yes and now have changed my mind

Whoo get over that shit! Get out of there!

She does not control you! Control your own life and safety and well-being, because no one else there can or will do it for you.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Whoo get over that shit! Get out of there!

She does not control you! Control your own life and safety and well-being, because no one else there can or will do it for you.

You're right of course, I need to stand for myself. It's just... very hard right now

 

[Final Escape]

I had this issue as well. It can be difficult to assert yourself. I've been in situations like this. You should probably get out of that situation and get your place back. This doesn't sound good. Why does her son live in your apartment? Hoping they aren't taking advantage of u or something. Keep your eyes open and listen to your gut. Watch actions don't listen to words.