Rn110bg101
I want to go home
- Apr 18, 2019
- 413
Two weeks ago I thought I would do it the next week. A week ago I thought I would do it today. Today I woke up thinking I might do it on Thursday.
I don't know why it's so difficult. Maybe it's because part of me still has nonsensical hope of things going back the way they were, maybe it's me struggling to deal with the fact I won't exist at all soon… I know I want to do it, it's the last thing I have left—there's no hope of a future for me, it'll never get better, it'll only be the same pain forever—but I can't pull myself. I just want to sleep and never wake up… but it's not that simple, it's never that simple. I have to leave my body for my soul to rest but it's holding me better than any prison.
I keep trying to motivate myself, to be not fear—maybe there's an afterlife, I'll forget everything, my soul will be fixed and I'll be loved—but it's not true, isn't it. It's just the void following this, I'll never feel loved again. It's like my ex-friend said, you won't experience happiness, you won't experience relief, it will just be nothingness.
I would prefer nothingness so much more than this, but I would prefer happiness over that. I want to feel that warmth again… the ones I felt in the good moments, the smiling when my friend told me they were glad we were friends, the movies we watched together, that time we played Portal 2 Co-op together…
… but she left, and I can't stop thinking about and missing her, even though I know she hates me now. I gave it all up for this… and now I can't even go through with it, it just drags out and every day is more and more pain. Few weeks ago I found screenshots from when we played together and I can't take them out of my mind, that second player here was my friend and she cared a lot about me, she tried to help me out all she could, she wanted to see me be happy
one time she wrote a letter to me saying she wished we could see each other in real life and we'd live in the same place and i could be happy with them and we could work on the animation for my favourite game and it'd be so wonderful
none of it will come true, instead i'll have to go back to uni soon even though i have brain damage, it'll be another year of being stupid and alone, just like it's been since i was fucking born, except now i don't have any comfort video game because everything i loved reminds me of her
i can't take another year of it, i can't even take another month, i wish there was a button i could press to just do it for me without the waiting around, waking up at 3pm on the only day of the week my mom won't be here to witness my death and not having time to drink sn and probably puke it all out because my body can't just stand anything and this country wants to see me suffer
so fucking done with these feelings
I don't know why it's so difficult. Maybe it's because part of me still has nonsensical hope of things going back the way they were, maybe it's me struggling to deal with the fact I won't exist at all soon… I know I want to do it, it's the last thing I have left—there's no hope of a future for me, it'll never get better, it'll only be the same pain forever—but I can't pull myself. I just want to sleep and never wake up… but it's not that simple, it's never that simple. I have to leave my body for my soul to rest but it's holding me better than any prison.
I keep trying to motivate myself, to be not fear—maybe there's an afterlife, I'll forget everything, my soul will be fixed and I'll be loved—but it's not true, isn't it. It's just the void following this, I'll never feel loved again. It's like my ex-friend said, you won't experience happiness, you won't experience relief, it will just be nothingness.
I would prefer nothingness so much more than this, but I would prefer happiness over that. I want to feel that warmth again… the ones I felt in the good moments, the smiling when my friend told me they were glad we were friends, the movies we watched together, that time we played Portal 2 Co-op together…
… but she left, and I can't stop thinking about and missing her, even though I know she hates me now. I gave it all up for this… and now I can't even go through with it, it just drags out and every day is more and more pain. Few weeks ago I found screenshots from when we played together and I can't take them out of my mind, that second player here was my friend and she cared a lot about me, she tried to help me out all she could, she wanted to see me be happy
one time she wrote a letter to me saying she wished we could see each other in real life and we'd live in the same place and i could be happy with them and we could work on the animation for my favourite game and it'd be so wonderful
none of it will come true, instead i'll have to go back to uni soon even though i have brain damage, it'll be another year of being stupid and alone, just like it's been since i was fucking born, except now i don't have any comfort video game because everything i loved reminds me of her
i can't take another year of it, i can't even take another month, i wish there was a button i could press to just do it for me without the waiting around, waking up at 3pm on the only day of the week my mom won't be here to witness my death and not having time to drink sn and probably puke it all out because my body can't just stand anything and this country wants to see me suffer
so fucking done with these feelings
