Another day?

[Living sucks]

I don't vent.. why? Because no one can change it or help me. But I'm going crazy

Yet another day that looks like:

Wake up in horrible pain, nearly unable to move esp fingers, hands, feet.

Takes 10 minutes to realize that the unimaginably real dreams I had (in which I'm my old healthy, happy, loving, involved, productive self) werent real and I need to figure out where I am (not my home with family, but a care home for senior citizens, which I'm not old)
Then I finally realize I lived again and have to face another day in hell.

I am 90% bedridden
Can't wear much clothing and shoes are a no go because the nerve pain is so bad from RSD that any compression or rubbing on my skin is excruciating. Entire body feels like being bitten by fire ants all day.

I can only eat limited variations of mushy fruits and cooked vegetables bcuz my stomach and GI are so beyond messed up. Can't synthesize proteins or carbs and my digestion and absorption are non existent. So everyday I'm stuck eating the same thing over and over and over. If i deviate from this I get a migraine like no other and can't even talk. Can't take another day

My hormones are non existent so I sweat all day and have severe issues with every bodily function.
my immune system is gone with very low wbc, lymphocytes and no healing capability. As result, my Hair is nearly gone, teeth are rotting, have wasting disease, aged 40 years in 3 and now resemble a 90 year old and so much more.
And spent entire life's savings and retirement trying to save my life.

I'm in the same bed, looking at the same 4 walls everyday. And no way to escape. Not physically or mentally

I am triggered by every single thing in life that would normally serve as distractions like music, tv, outdoors, sunlight, games, conversation, everything triggers anger and sadness bcuz it's all a reminder of something I did before getting sick. My own voice hurts bcuz of the severe tinnitus

So I have nothing accept SS and my horrific thoughts, sadness, loneliness and the reality that I have to ctb to escape this hell.

All day long I try to pass time but I'm in constant panic and anxiety over having to take my life if I don't die soon!

No medication works for me, I have paradoxical effects from everything. And toxicity that builds up quickly bcuz of my inability to digest. Can't smoke dope either.

night time comes and I've done nothing AGAIN.. zero but lay in bed rotting, thinking about SN and how bad that will hurt me.
But I don't want to die.Or live in this pain and nightmare getting worse daily

And I have PTSD flashbacks for hours before I can fall asleep causing more trauma and stress.. and can only fall asleep when I've envisioned that this never happened (denial)

The worst part is I'm completely sane ... they've diagnosed me with mental illness because of a previous ctb attempt .. but I'm 100% sane and aware of everything going on and what's happening to me.
I wish i was insane .. if that would help??

It has been 3 years and I am losing my mind. And of course when I talk about ctb I'm threatened with psych wards and Drs.

i know we all are suffering and no one can help me.. i just needed to vent

Every single night I set up the SN and go into severe panic and anxiety and can't do it.
hence.. then waking up to have to live another day trapped like a caged animal.

All of this is because I allowed a Dr to inject my nervous system with steroids (Not knowing there were steroids in the shot, I thought it was supposed to be just numbing agent to numb nerves).
Basically involuntary suicide!

TLDR. I'm fucked. How can I keep doing this everyday?

 

[fluxis]

Why not SN? Why not go through with it

 

[Smudgedlines]

I wish I knew what to say to help but I don't.
I can understand the fear of sn and the finality of it. You must feel so angry and frustrated every day. so sorry

 

[Living sucks]

Why not SN? Why not go through with it

Im scared
I have severe SI
I don't want to die
My severe gut issues mean SN is going to really hurt before I go unconscious
I'm so frail and sick I keep praying I'll die naturally

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Im scared
I have severe SI
I don't want to die
My severe gut issues mean SN is going to really hurt before I go unconscious
I'm so frail and sick I keep praying I'll die naturally

Man that sucks. I wish I could help. Any chance of getting N? Might be easier on the stomach...I dunno I'm talking out my ass I've no idea lol.

 

[Saed]

Thank you @Living sucks for revealing your situation.
I always wondered about you. Picked up bits and pieces from you here and there,but to see you spell out the hell you are trapped in is soul-searing.
If there's anything I can do to help in some way,please PM

Your SI is so high because you don't "want" to die,you "have" to. I understand that only too well.
Plus you're anticipating the effects of SN on your gastric system
How is it ever right,to be denied a peaceful,humane exit from such insurmountable torture?

You're an incredible person. That you somehow hold your shit together to provide accurate,on point,well-meaning information here day after day shows immense fortitude.
I have always seen a heart of gold behind that stoicism.

This feels so inadequate,just text on a screen. If there's something tactile I can actually do - PM.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Life is so unfair and cruel.
Here's a great big virtual hug. Imagine the best hug you ever got. This one is almost as good as that.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't know how you can keep doing this every day, except that you are.

I think I understand now why you asked whether I was able to attempt methods that might fail because I knew they might fail. That wasn't it. If I had a method like N, I'd have to do a bit more mental preparation, but I could and would do it. I haven't done SN because I know I'm going to suffer (for anyone else who reads this, so as not to derail, I accidentally got a little SN in my system when I did the blood test and I know some of the symptoms I'll have).

Anyhow, I'm sending my compassion. It seems like you're being hit from damn near every possible angle. At least you have the forum to talk to, since you don't have anyone there who will listen and give compassion because they equate a rational desire to end the misery with mental illness. I hope it helped in some way to vent, and I hope it helps in some way to be heard.

 

[Living sucks]

I was afraid to buy N bcuz of covid and reports that A was being sketchy earlier this year.. then I put hope in the debreather which was then determined a flop in late. May. I started thinking N again but my bank account is being monitored bcuz of spending so much money on trying to save my life. That purchase will raise flags.

I bought SN since it was easily accessible and that I'd have something at least.

I'm scared to death of it even if it's a half hour. I'm scared to die by ctb., I'm not afraid to die naturally.. it's a hard place to be in.
I don't want to die this young. Period. But that choice was taken from me .. it's the suffering that's the issue. I was never afraid of death when I believed I'd die naturally in old age.

 

[GrassFields]

Hi there,

Really sorry to hear you're in so much pain . I can personally appreciate your apprehensions to pass away by CTB young rather than naturally in old age; that sums up a lot of how I feel. Sending good vibes and warmth your way.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm so frail and sick I keep praying I'll die naturally

I am too. No one would believe me if I told them my situation. I'm being tortured by my pain and disability. It's before dawn and I just woke up from a nightmare. My entire insides are shaking violently as they do every time I wake up. In addition to the back pain.

All of this is because I allowed a Dr to inject my nervous system with steroids

Did you have a pain specialist (interventionist) give you nerve blocks in your spine for pain? Is that what you are referring to? They inject the facet joints in the spine with steroids to try to relieve back pain.

I'm scared to die by ctb

I'm scared too but even more scared of failing.

 

[I screwed up]

@ Living sucks U are a real brave person . the amount of pain u going thru is immense. I have always found yr posts very insightful and helpful and feel very sorry for ur pain and torture u going through. It needs lots of guts to ctb and the fear if failing is also a huge deterrent. I will pray for you dear , love you (( hugs))

 

[Alucard]

To be or not to be another day, that is always my question.