3spiral
♪★
- Apr 22, 2026
- 3
idk what is wrong with me but i often just assume everyone hates me and the fact that i cant connect with people and that i feel too overwhelmed to do basic stuff like going out is one of the things that usually throws me into suicidal thoughts. even if i often dont think that these thoughts are valid, i'm gonna try to not overthink about it much and just say whatever i feel so i might sound dramatic. i'm not really good at expressing my feelings even if i know what i feel most of the times.
i know that the title talks about fear of rejection but i'm also gonna be talking about what i believe is just anxiety in general.
it's gonna be a messy rant, i'm not thinking much + english is not my first lenguage, don't expect much of it.
so, i've been talking to this girl through text and she lives in my town. we could have great chances of meeting up any time when she's not busy and she called me once to have lunch after school. im very embarassed to say this but the moment she invited me to meet up i started crying — and through every following night, until we had to cancel this because my grandma had surgery and i had to visit her (lol) — because meeting someone in person would be too overwhelming for me. i'm at my big age and i can barely navigate through my own small town, imagine going to college and living alone. my mom loves reminding me of how uncapable i am too, apparently.
i believe i've been getting a slightly better on that aspect because i try to think about how it's okay if i'm a little weird, people will just think me as odd and maybe rude and kinda stupid just like a thousand other odd, rude and stupid people in this world and it's not that big of a deal, but the feeling is often really strong and involuntary. i've been starting to realize quite recently how this isn't normal and that's why people seem confused when i become uncapable of speaking or getting close to them. this is not just something that everyone understands. i've seen people who are as shy as me before but they are really rare.
anyway, i've drifted off a little bit but this relates to the fear of rejection because i always assume that people hate me at first glance, or just randomly. like, i don't like going out with my friends. they think i'm an introvert but it's really just because the thought that they all might hate me is draining asf. and they are literally my friends wtf is wrong with me. i've opened up about this feeling to a friend before and i genuinely expected him to somewhat agree with me but apparently most people don't think im gross for no reason. wow, now thats a revelation! of course, knowing that rationally is a good thing but it's not enough to dull out the feeling at all, idk why. i still get very anxious when i'm new places or around many people and unconfortable. this makes me start skin picking a lot too:/ i've had exposed flesh on my fingers and a little bleeding because of it more than once. i don't get bothered by it but my friends do xd
anyway, been feeling like this for a really long time. i'm not sure at which point my life went wrong. maybe it was the pandemic? although i remember being a really shy kid before it aswell. my parents and other people always tell me about how i was vibrant, happy and extroverted as a kid. i dont doubt, i probably just didnt overthink that much, but i do remember being shy and easily overwhelmed around the age of 6.
i wish it was easier for other people to understand me. i know i'm not at rock bottom because i do have friends and a family and things in my life are quite stable so i shouldn't complain much. but the point is that i will eventually lose these things as i will have to move out and get into an university. sure, adulthood is tough but i'm dysfunctional and anxious about fucking everything. and THIS is what makes me scared and is what makes me think that i might not be worthy of surviving anymore. i don't think about suicide all the time, it only hits me eventually, so i'm ok right now.
anyways thanks for reading, this was kinda long. btw idk what am i gonna do with the girl lol she only got my number because i was drunk. ik it's pathetic but i'll probably stop talking to her even though she's cool yeah i have no maturity
i know that the title talks about fear of rejection but i'm also gonna be talking about what i believe is just anxiety in general.
it's gonna be a messy rant, i'm not thinking much + english is not my first lenguage, don't expect much of it.
so, i've been talking to this girl through text and she lives in my town. we could have great chances of meeting up any time when she's not busy and she called me once to have lunch after school. im very embarassed to say this but the moment she invited me to meet up i started crying — and through every following night, until we had to cancel this because my grandma had surgery and i had to visit her (lol) — because meeting someone in person would be too overwhelming for me. i'm at my big age and i can barely navigate through my own small town, imagine going to college and living alone. my mom loves reminding me of how uncapable i am too, apparently.
i believe i've been getting a slightly better on that aspect because i try to think about how it's okay if i'm a little weird, people will just think me as odd and maybe rude and kinda stupid just like a thousand other odd, rude and stupid people in this world and it's not that big of a deal, but the feeling is often really strong and involuntary. i've been starting to realize quite recently how this isn't normal and that's why people seem confused when i become uncapable of speaking or getting close to them. this is not just something that everyone understands. i've seen people who are as shy as me before but they are really rare.
anyway, i've drifted off a little bit but this relates to the fear of rejection because i always assume that people hate me at first glance, or just randomly. like, i don't like going out with my friends. they think i'm an introvert but it's really just because the thought that they all might hate me is draining asf. and they are literally my friends wtf is wrong with me. i've opened up about this feeling to a friend before and i genuinely expected him to somewhat agree with me but apparently most people don't think im gross for no reason. wow, now thats a revelation! of course, knowing that rationally is a good thing but it's not enough to dull out the feeling at all, idk why. i still get very anxious when i'm new places or around many people and unconfortable. this makes me start skin picking a lot too:/ i've had exposed flesh on my fingers and a little bleeding because of it more than once. i don't get bothered by it but my friends do xd
anyway, been feeling like this for a really long time. i'm not sure at which point my life went wrong. maybe it was the pandemic? although i remember being a really shy kid before it aswell. my parents and other people always tell me about how i was vibrant, happy and extroverted as a kid. i dont doubt, i probably just didnt overthink that much, but i do remember being shy and easily overwhelmed around the age of 6.
i wish it was easier for other people to understand me. i know i'm not at rock bottom because i do have friends and a family and things in my life are quite stable so i shouldn't complain much. but the point is that i will eventually lose these things as i will have to move out and get into an university. sure, adulthood is tough but i'm dysfunctional and anxious about fucking everything. and THIS is what makes me scared and is what makes me think that i might not be worthy of surviving anymore. i don't think about suicide all the time, it only hits me eventually, so i'm ok right now.
anyways thanks for reading, this was kinda long. btw idk what am i gonna do with the girl lol she only got my number because i was drunk. ik it's pathetic but i'll probably stop talking to her even though she's cool yeah i have no maturity
