I remembered a song, so I listened to it, and the song told me it was time to bring all my secrets to light. That's what I will do now.
"There was a time when my world was filled with
Darkness, darkness, darkness"
I never was close with the community I grew up in. I felt it was evil, and I always kept away from them. Still, this was my life. It was what I knew, so I lived my life the best I could. By chance, I was able to help take care of children. All the children liked me a lot, so I made my life helping them. I was sincerely appreciated for my help. I wanted to live my life as a teacher because of this.
I moved out of the house when I was 19. I got a loan on a car to live in it. I needed to get away from my parents. They were trying to control my future. They wanted me to be an engineer. I wanted to be a teacher and help people. They talked behind my back about not financially supporting me. I didn't want to give them the chance to force my future by taking advantage of their influence over me monetarily, so I moved out as soon as I could when I learned they were unsure about supporting my future.
As a result, I really couldn't go to college. I found a job as an electrician, and I wanted to slowly go to community college while being an electrician. I eventually got my AA, and then I wanted to get a bachelors in elementary education. This was my plan. It felt like helping kids was the only way I could be happy. I felt the people around me were all liars, and I didn't want anything to do with them.
Before I became homeless, I fell in love with this girl, Sydney. I wanted to date her, and she was really interested in me. I decide I am going to ask her out on a Sunday or something. I just remember the day before it happened, I had to drive my sister to the airport. As I am driving her to the airport, she asks me why I hate our parents so much. I said I didn't want to go to the college they wanted me to go to, and she said I hated them.
When my sister was yelling at me for this, she affected my ability to drive. We were swerving in and out of traffic, so I put my hand on her shoulder. "Ashley! You're going to get us killed! Stop!" She started crying and said I choked her. She called my parents, and I was done with it. I dropped her off at the airport, and when I got home I put my clothes in a backpack, took my bicycle, and I was going to live on the street.
A friend let me stay with him instead, so I lived with him, and I resolved the issue between my parents and me by relying on Eli as a mediator. I made my demands clear to them. I would only live with them if they stopped talking behind my back and not to me about their problems with me. Ashley said I hated my parents not because of what I said but because of what my mom said to her. I didn't want them to talk behind my back.
I became homeless, and the day after, I planned on asking Sydney out. I couldn't. I remember on a Thursday while I was still homeless, Sydney tried to sit right next to me when I was trying to be alone. I just left without saying a thing to her. I didn't want anything to do with her while I was homeless. I couldn't handle the shame of it.
By the end of the week, my parents seemed to accept what I had to say, but they really didn't make an agreement to it. I took that well enough to start living with them again, but I was unsure. I thought I might need to try and leave them as soon as possible in a more stable fashion. In this, I had spent two months considering what I should do. I decided for the sake of Sydney, I wouldn't make a decision to be homeless. That way we could date, and I could marry her. I would tolerate living with my parents for her.
During these two months, Sydney had begun dating someone else. My only reason to stay with my parents had gone. At the same time, my mother had a massive fight with her mother. It was concerning financial issues after my grandpa had died. As a result, my grandma really opened up to me about how it was dealing with my mom. In this, I somehow learned my parents were talking behind my back again. That's when I learned they were considering not paying for my college. Therefore I not only lost my reason to stay, but I also found my reason to leave.
I started living in my car, but I would always dream about Sydney. Even when my life came to point of needing to leave Florida and move to Texas. I would always dream about my chance to date her. I wished I hadn't lost my chance. It was four years living like this in my heart, but she was dating someone else. There was nothing I could do.
"Then I've stopped dreaming now
I'm supposed to fill it up with
Something, something, something"
After a year in Texas, I found reason to move back to Florida. Sydney was still dating someone. Sydney was the daughter of Eli, and I came back right when Eli had his birthday. I went to dinner with them. They would often have me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sydney would not stop talking to me. I tried to leave three times, but she kept wanting to talk with me. She was dating someone else, so I decided it was best I intentionally ignore her. I didn't want to bring any shame to things.
Maybe four months after I am back, Sydney and her boyfriend break up. I noticed she was down for a period. Then she seemed to cheer up again, and she starts really noticing me. I confirmed she was single with another friend, and then we started dating within a week or two. Sydney was my dream, but dating her was a nightmare. The first month was great, but after that I was miserable. She was just a dream. Our connection wasn't real. It only took us three months to break up.
I didn't know how to navigate the relationship we had after that. I wanted us to maintain an honorable relationship with each other. I wanted us to still be able to be honest with each other. I couldn't handle how much of a nightmare she felt to me. Even after we broke up she felt like a nightmare, I couldn't understand why, and she had to deal with someone that treated her like she was a nightmare to be around for several more months after that. Eventually, we separate even further, but I am still dealing with what I felt. I knew I was DID symptomatic, but I had no idea I had so much pain. She opened up so much pain.
During this separation, I start to think about what I actually want. I wanted Lynette. I always thought Lynette was more attractive than Sydney. Lynette didn't want me though, so I just kept my distance. When Sydney and I were separated, Lynette came to me talking very sweetly. She put her elbow on my shoulder, and she asked me caring questions regarding my wellbeing. I had no idea Lynette felt this way of me. I kept it in mind, but I kept away from her. I still wanted to resolve things with Sydney first.
I decided to talk with Eli. I tell Eli I want to get away from my connection to Sydney and try things out with Lynette. Eli tells me "Well I think she is seeing someone, but I am not sure. She may be single now, so go for it." I figured I'd find out pretty quickly, so I wasn't worried. I start talking with Lynette, and we actually connected really well. When I was talking with Lynette, I would still get nightmarish pains, but she would understand. She wouldn't make me feel like I was trapped in the pain I felt. She had her own pain too she felt from another.
I try to start dating her, but I was very hesitant because I felt like I went about it a really bad way with Sydney. Sydney made me terrified of dating again, but I pressed past that because I really liked Lynette. It turns out, Lynette was already in a relationship. It seems I somehow caught her off guard, so she apologized. It really caught me off guard she was dating because she said something to me about "If I ever was interested in you like that…" I thought surely she must be single to be thinking that way and talking to me about it.
After we both caught each other off guard things were extremely tense. I was tense because I was trying to date someone already in a relationship. This terrified me. I don't know what Lynette was dealing with, but eventually Lynette has a bad day. She posts something about "This kid is a throwaway." I lost my mind in anger. I told her she should never throw away a kid. She told me to lookaway. I told her "No. I'll just call you racist." The kid was white and Lynette is mixed. I think she's Hispanic and black maybe, but I don't really know.
At that point her sister jumps in, Sydney jumps in, both mothers are jumping into the conversation. I was so overwhelmed by the argument. I know Lynette posted a photo going like
, and I just blocked her to forget her. It was too much. I felt bad afterwards doing that though, so I messaged her again. Dharius Daniels mentioned something about not fighting in front of a person's mother, and I felt that, so I apologized for fighting. She told me to leave her alone.
During this time, it was Covid. I had gotten in a major fight with Karen, Sydney's mom. Karen was sort of in charge of taking care of the kids. We got in a big fight because she told me I couldn't talk to the one of the kids about how they got into a fight. I lost my mind, and I called Karen a bad mother. Karen was really hurt by this. She took it to the pastor, and the pastor said I couldn't help kids anymore.
This really concerned me. My pastor was saying I was mentally ill, but my counselor was saying that there didn't seem to be anything wrong with me. I was just dealing with a lot of problems. I really pressed on this issue, and it made problems worse, but at that point I had a problem with the pastor calling me mentally ill.
I lost my mind several times trying to figure things out. I made a lot of accusations against people. Some people took those accusations very kindly. Some people did not take it well. I remember one person took my out to lunch and paid for it after I accused him. He was very compassionate to me. One person, his name was Billy Pardee, he told me when I was 19 that he struggled with pornography. We got in an argument where he called me misogynistic. I called him a pedophile.
When I was 19, I was thinking about becoming homeless. Billy told me that he struggled with pornography, and it was so bad, he went to his son's play and could only thing about sex. He said something about thinking of sex while watching the kids at the play, so I accused him when he called me a misogynistic. I said "I should have known you were fake when you told me about fantasizing about having sex with children."
I got kicked out of the church for this. They said I was lying. At this point, I had nothing to lose. I saw Lynette was still on about how serious racism was. That got me so mad, so I started arguing with her. I said "racism isn't real." I meant it didn't have any power. I just didn't want her to take is so seriously because the whole reason we got in a fight at first was I called her racist. I didn't want her to take that so seriously.
Eventually this argument, where I was mostly writing to myself and just seeing what she would post, got so heated that I couldn't take it. I start publicly talking about Lynette like I talked about everyone else. Her family starts threatening me and saying I created a fake relationship between us.
At this point, I make everything I do public. I make everything I write public. I say "See I write this, and look then she posts that. Why is she doing this?" The only thing she tells me is to leave her alone, but she says that in very intense moments. After she says it, I immediately start calming down, but I ask her to say it again when I was calm. If she could tell me to leave her alone when I was calm, I would do it, but she would never do it. She would only tell me once, so I never did.
Eventually I get locked up for a short time because I was "suicidal". I was very sorrowful for how the church let Jeremy overdose. They took a vacation when he needed their support the most, and they also say I am harassing Lynette. I get out of the institution, but it only makes me go harder. At this point, I dropped out of school, and I lost my job. I lost my job because they changed their mind about supporting me through school. I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle what was happening with everything but especially Lynette.
Because I keep going, Lynette's cousin starts fighting with me. I go to talk to him, and he punches me in the face making me lose a tooth. It's fixed now. Eventually Dharius Daniels starts talking about how maybe it's good to just let things stay hopeless. I don't like that, so I change the word to helpless. I call Lynette helpless after not talking to me for six months, and I am ready to move on.
Later that day, she calls me up. We start fighting over the phone over everything we had been fighting about over those six months. Lynette says she wants to go to police and get a restraining order. I start to calm down because I don't want her to rely on the police. I don't want that to be necessary for her, so instead we agree to go out to dinner to talk things out. We go to dinner with Eli, and they try to get me to make peace with everyone else. I can make peace with Lynette. I have no peace with the community, so I am start to leave in anger saying "Fuck it. I'll move to Texas again." Lynette pleads with me not to leave upset, and she says something to try and get me to stay. I decide to try my best and stay.
It's not feasible. I found a man who thought he could help bring peace between me and my pastor. None of the churches in the areas wanted anything to do with me. Two of them kicked me out, but I found a man outside the area willing to help. I wrote an email to my pastor with his instruction, and my pastor responded in a manner that was very kind. His response infuriated me, and this was the last chance we had towards resolution. I left for Texas shortly after that.
"In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before
Long, long, long ago"
I had spent a couple years in New Mexico and Texas. I was preparing to get my masters license to run my own company in Florida. 2021, March, I left Florida. 2022, September I found 雫. I found her because YouTube showed me Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. I liked her music a lot, so I listened to more music, and then I found out about 雫 from POLKADOT STINGRAY. I like her a lot, and I think I follow her on Twitter.
December 2022, I find out about Korone. Korone makes me want to learn Japanese, but she doesn't make me want it enough. Then I go back to 雫 because she did make me want it a lot, so I try and follow this. I write to ハルシ that I think learning Japanese will be good for my soul, and I find 雫 makes me want it enough to try and go for it.
February 2023, I move to Florida to start my company. I passed the test and got my license approved. I fall into tremendous instability. I give up. I go back to Texas. I deactivate my license, and I delete my Twitter.
In Texas I find a tremendous amount of support from a business owner. I also find Aletta Sky who was an English vTuber. Aletta inspires me to deal with my hurt from Jeremy's death, and my boss inspires me to not give up on the company.
Eventually Aletta changes to Elia, and I feel it is best for me to part from her. When Aletta changed to Elia, I went back to Twitter. When I went back to Twitter, I started seeing 雫 again. I try learning Japanese, and I decide to keep going with my idea.
雫 mentions she gets messages from people on Instagram. I decide to write to her there. That's when I seriously am able to study Japanese because I can write her privately, but then I get my license reactivated, and I stop thinking about what I actually want.
雫 reminds me of Lynette. I can never want Lynette again because I want her to stay with her community, and I want nothing to do with them. 雫 has her life way more together than Lynette does though. She isn't suffering in pain. She has her energy but she isn't suffering. She is what I always wanted for Lynette.
"But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?"
But I left Lynette. Am I free from that, or am I still tied to this desire? What does it mean?
"I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal"
Is this just my animal nature drawing me to her, or is there something more. Is there meaning to be derived in caring about her? Is there something for me in this?
"There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with
Money, money, money"
I keep trying to focus on the business. I tell 雫 "I am going to make you a business partner in my mind. You are going to be my partner, and that is what you are going to mean to me. That will be it."
"But it gets bigger 'til your hopes is always
Running, running, running"
My desire for meaning just isn't content with this. It wants more and more, and I feel more and more she wants nothing to do with me. I feel she must have me muted by now.
I knew Lynette barely read what I wrote. I think 雫 must have me muted entirely. My desire has grown to big, and it seems her hopes are too far from me. There is no connection.
"In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong"
But I see it. I see someone who is so amazing. I saw how Lynette was with the truth. I saw how strong she could be. I feel 雫 is the same. I feel she is the same with the truth. I want her to tell me I am wrong. I don't want to assume anything.
"And now I'm pulling your disguise up"
But I saw something. I saw how she keeps herself well. I saw how she stays strong. I felt she could never be broken. I felt she could never be hurt. I felt it was so wrong. I do break for people even if I am well, I will break for people I felt she could not, so I blocked her.
She posted a photo just before I blocked her, and she had. It was just like when I blocked Lynette. Maybe Lynette never made the sign. Maybe my maybe is wrong.
"Are you free or are you tied up?"
Maybe she's not free. Maybe she isn't choosing this lifestyle. Maybe she's tied to it. Maybe she's not free. She wrote about taking up her lifestyle because she wanted to be free. If this is the freedom she wants, then it is a disguise. I don't know.
"I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal"
I don't know what to do. I can go back, but I don't know how much meaning there is for me there. I think I must be muted. Can I really live my whole life in this way? Is there anywhere else for me to go? Maybe I am bound to this. Maybe I am bound to it.
It feels like my fate. Is it this, or is it the balance I am simply use to having? I just wish she would tell me that I am wrong. Surely she shows me I am wrong, but that's what everyone said about Lynette too. Well I suppose Lynette was right in the end though, so 雫 is right as well, but 雫 never told me to leave her alone. Lynette did. 雫 is just ignoring me because well I am nobody.
I can change who I am. I can be whoever, but that doesn't mean I could ever be someone to her. Free or bound, she either won't have the desire or I will never have the power. Can I really live my entire life like this and never know? Do I really know any other way to live?
If I go back, let me at least go back different. If not to live for the sake of romanticism, then for what sake do I live? I don't know, but I should not suppose to find reason to live here. That is true, so I will go back looking for reason to live there. Maybe I will find something that will take me away from her again. That will be fine. I just need to go somewhere.
Nah
. I changed my mind. I still block her 
, but I am glad I followed the song for awhile regardless. It made me feel peace letting go of the secret 
.
"There was a time when my world was filled with
Darkness, darkness, darkness"
I never was close with the community I grew up in. I felt it was evil, and I always kept away from them. Still, this was my life. It was what I knew, so I lived my life the best I could. By chance, I was able to help take care of children. All the children liked me a lot, so I made my life helping them. I was sincerely appreciated for my help. I wanted to live my life as a teacher because of this.
I moved out of the house when I was 19. I got a loan on a car to live in it. I needed to get away from my parents. They were trying to control my future. They wanted me to be an engineer. I wanted to be a teacher and help people. They talked behind my back about not financially supporting me. I didn't want to give them the chance to force my future by taking advantage of their influence over me monetarily, so I moved out as soon as I could when I learned they were unsure about supporting my future.
As a result, I really couldn't go to college. I found a job as an electrician, and I wanted to slowly go to community college while being an electrician. I eventually got my AA, and then I wanted to get a bachelors in elementary education. This was my plan. It felt like helping kids was the only way I could be happy. I felt the people around me were all liars, and I didn't want anything to do with them.
Before I became homeless, I fell in love with this girl, Sydney. I wanted to date her, and she was really interested in me. I decide I am going to ask her out on a Sunday or something. I just remember the day before it happened, I had to drive my sister to the airport. As I am driving her to the airport, she asks me why I hate our parents so much. I said I didn't want to go to the college they wanted me to go to, and she said I hated them.
When my sister was yelling at me for this, she affected my ability to drive. We were swerving in and out of traffic, so I put my hand on her shoulder. "Ashley! You're going to get us killed! Stop!" She started crying and said I choked her. She called my parents, and I was done with it. I dropped her off at the airport, and when I got home I put my clothes in a backpack, took my bicycle, and I was going to live on the street.
A friend let me stay with him instead, so I lived with him, and I resolved the issue between my parents and me by relying on Eli as a mediator. I made my demands clear to them. I would only live with them if they stopped talking behind my back and not to me about their problems with me. Ashley said I hated my parents not because of what I said but because of what my mom said to her. I didn't want them to talk behind my back.
I became homeless, and the day after, I planned on asking Sydney out. I couldn't. I remember on a Thursday while I was still homeless, Sydney tried to sit right next to me when I was trying to be alone. I just left without saying a thing to her. I didn't want anything to do with her while I was homeless. I couldn't handle the shame of it.
By the end of the week, my parents seemed to accept what I had to say, but they really didn't make an agreement to it. I took that well enough to start living with them again, but I was unsure. I thought I might need to try and leave them as soon as possible in a more stable fashion. In this, I had spent two months considering what I should do. I decided for the sake of Sydney, I wouldn't make a decision to be homeless. That way we could date, and I could marry her. I would tolerate living with my parents for her.
During these two months, Sydney had begun dating someone else. My only reason to stay with my parents had gone. At the same time, my mother had a massive fight with her mother. It was concerning financial issues after my grandpa had died. As a result, my grandma really opened up to me about how it was dealing with my mom. In this, I somehow learned my parents were talking behind my back again. That's when I learned they were considering not paying for my college. Therefore I not only lost my reason to stay, but I also found my reason to leave.
I started living in my car, but I would always dream about Sydney. Even when my life came to point of needing to leave Florida and move to Texas. I would always dream about my chance to date her. I wished I hadn't lost my chance. It was four years living like this in my heart, but she was dating someone else. There was nothing I could do.
"Then I've stopped dreaming now
I'm supposed to fill it up with
Something, something, something"
After a year in Texas, I found reason to move back to Florida. Sydney was still dating someone. Sydney was the daughter of Eli, and I came back right when Eli had his birthday. I went to dinner with them. They would often have me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sydney would not stop talking to me. I tried to leave three times, but she kept wanting to talk with me. She was dating someone else, so I decided it was best I intentionally ignore her. I didn't want to bring any shame to things.
Maybe four months after I am back, Sydney and her boyfriend break up. I noticed she was down for a period. Then she seemed to cheer up again, and she starts really noticing me. I confirmed she was single with another friend, and then we started dating within a week or two. Sydney was my dream, but dating her was a nightmare. The first month was great, but after that I was miserable. She was just a dream. Our connection wasn't real. It only took us three months to break up.
I didn't know how to navigate the relationship we had after that. I wanted us to maintain an honorable relationship with each other. I wanted us to still be able to be honest with each other. I couldn't handle how much of a nightmare she felt to me. Even after we broke up she felt like a nightmare, I couldn't understand why, and she had to deal with someone that treated her like she was a nightmare to be around for several more months after that. Eventually, we separate even further, but I am still dealing with what I felt. I knew I was DID symptomatic, but I had no idea I had so much pain. She opened up so much pain.
During this separation, I start to think about what I actually want. I wanted Lynette. I always thought Lynette was more attractive than Sydney. Lynette didn't want me though, so I just kept my distance. When Sydney and I were separated, Lynette came to me talking very sweetly. She put her elbow on my shoulder, and she asked me caring questions regarding my wellbeing. I had no idea Lynette felt this way of me. I kept it in mind, but I kept away from her. I still wanted to resolve things with Sydney first.
I decided to talk with Eli. I tell Eli I want to get away from my connection to Sydney and try things out with Lynette. Eli tells me "Well I think she is seeing someone, but I am not sure. She may be single now, so go for it." I figured I'd find out pretty quickly, so I wasn't worried. I start talking with Lynette, and we actually connected really well. When I was talking with Lynette, I would still get nightmarish pains, but she would understand. She wouldn't make me feel like I was trapped in the pain I felt. She had her own pain too she felt from another.
I try to start dating her, but I was very hesitant because I felt like I went about it a really bad way with Sydney. Sydney made me terrified of dating again, but I pressed past that because I really liked Lynette. It turns out, Lynette was already in a relationship. It seems I somehow caught her off guard, so she apologized. It really caught me off guard she was dating because she said something to me about "If I ever was interested in you like that…" I thought surely she must be single to be thinking that way and talking to me about it.
After we both caught each other off guard things were extremely tense. I was tense because I was trying to date someone already in a relationship. This terrified me. I don't know what Lynette was dealing with, but eventually Lynette has a bad day. She posts something about "This kid is a throwaway." I lost my mind in anger. I told her she should never throw away a kid. She told me to lookaway. I told her "No. I'll just call you racist." The kid was white and Lynette is mixed. I think she's Hispanic and black maybe, but I don't really know.
At that point her sister jumps in, Sydney jumps in, both mothers are jumping into the conversation. I was so overwhelmed by the argument. I know Lynette posted a photo going like
, and I just blocked her to forget her. It was too much. I felt bad afterwards doing that though, so I messaged her again. Dharius Daniels mentioned something about not fighting in front of a person's mother, and I felt that, so I apologized for fighting. She told me to leave her alone.During this time, it was Covid. I had gotten in a major fight with Karen, Sydney's mom. Karen was sort of in charge of taking care of the kids. We got in a big fight because she told me I couldn't talk to the one of the kids about how they got into a fight. I lost my mind, and I called Karen a bad mother. Karen was really hurt by this. She took it to the pastor, and the pastor said I couldn't help kids anymore.
This really concerned me. My pastor was saying I was mentally ill, but my counselor was saying that there didn't seem to be anything wrong with me. I was just dealing with a lot of problems. I really pressed on this issue, and it made problems worse, but at that point I had a problem with the pastor calling me mentally ill.
I lost my mind several times trying to figure things out. I made a lot of accusations against people. Some people took those accusations very kindly. Some people did not take it well. I remember one person took my out to lunch and paid for it after I accused him. He was very compassionate to me. One person, his name was Billy Pardee, he told me when I was 19 that he struggled with pornography. We got in an argument where he called me misogynistic. I called him a pedophile.
When I was 19, I was thinking about becoming homeless. Billy told me that he struggled with pornography, and it was so bad, he went to his son's play and could only thing about sex. He said something about thinking of sex while watching the kids at the play, so I accused him when he called me a misogynistic. I said "I should have known you were fake when you told me about fantasizing about having sex with children."
I got kicked out of the church for this. They said I was lying. At this point, I had nothing to lose. I saw Lynette was still on about how serious racism was. That got me so mad, so I started arguing with her. I said "racism isn't real." I meant it didn't have any power. I just didn't want her to take is so seriously because the whole reason we got in a fight at first was I called her racist. I didn't want her to take that so seriously.
Eventually this argument, where I was mostly writing to myself and just seeing what she would post, got so heated that I couldn't take it. I start publicly talking about Lynette like I talked about everyone else. Her family starts threatening me and saying I created a fake relationship between us.
At this point, I make everything I do public. I make everything I write public. I say "See I write this, and look then she posts that. Why is she doing this?" The only thing she tells me is to leave her alone, but she says that in very intense moments. After she says it, I immediately start calming down, but I ask her to say it again when I was calm. If she could tell me to leave her alone when I was calm, I would do it, but she would never do it. She would only tell me once, so I never did.
Eventually I get locked up for a short time because I was "suicidal". I was very sorrowful for how the church let Jeremy overdose. They took a vacation when he needed their support the most, and they also say I am harassing Lynette. I get out of the institution, but it only makes me go harder. At this point, I dropped out of school, and I lost my job. I lost my job because they changed their mind about supporting me through school. I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle what was happening with everything but especially Lynette.
Because I keep going, Lynette's cousin starts fighting with me. I go to talk to him, and he punches me in the face making me lose a tooth. It's fixed now. Eventually Dharius Daniels starts talking about how maybe it's good to just let things stay hopeless. I don't like that, so I change the word to helpless. I call Lynette helpless after not talking to me for six months, and I am ready to move on.
Later that day, she calls me up. We start fighting over the phone over everything we had been fighting about over those six months. Lynette says she wants to go to police and get a restraining order. I start to calm down because I don't want her to rely on the police. I don't want that to be necessary for her, so instead we agree to go out to dinner to talk things out. We go to dinner with Eli, and they try to get me to make peace with everyone else. I can make peace with Lynette. I have no peace with the community, so I am start to leave in anger saying "Fuck it. I'll move to Texas again." Lynette pleads with me not to leave upset, and she says something to try and get me to stay. I decide to try my best and stay.
It's not feasible. I found a man who thought he could help bring peace between me and my pastor. None of the churches in the areas wanted anything to do with me. Two of them kicked me out, but I found a man outside the area willing to help. I wrote an email to my pastor with his instruction, and my pastor responded in a manner that was very kind. His response infuriated me, and this was the last chance we had towards resolution. I left for Texas shortly after that.
"In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before
Long, long, long ago"
I had spent a couple years in New Mexico and Texas. I was preparing to get my masters license to run my own company in Florida. 2021, March, I left Florida. 2022, September I found 雫. I found her because YouTube showed me Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. I liked her music a lot, so I listened to more music, and then I found out about 雫 from POLKADOT STINGRAY. I like her a lot, and I think I follow her on Twitter.
December 2022, I find out about Korone. Korone makes me want to learn Japanese, but she doesn't make me want it enough. Then I go back to 雫 because she did make me want it a lot, so I try and follow this. I write to ハルシ that I think learning Japanese will be good for my soul, and I find 雫 makes me want it enough to try and go for it.
February 2023, I move to Florida to start my company. I passed the test and got my license approved. I fall into tremendous instability. I give up. I go back to Texas. I deactivate my license, and I delete my Twitter.
In Texas I find a tremendous amount of support from a business owner. I also find Aletta Sky who was an English vTuber. Aletta inspires me to deal with my hurt from Jeremy's death, and my boss inspires me to not give up on the company.
Eventually Aletta changes to Elia, and I feel it is best for me to part from her. When Aletta changed to Elia, I went back to Twitter. When I went back to Twitter, I started seeing 雫 again. I try learning Japanese, and I decide to keep going with my idea.
雫 mentions she gets messages from people on Instagram. I decide to write to her there. That's when I seriously am able to study Japanese because I can write her privately, but then I get my license reactivated, and I stop thinking about what I actually want.
雫 reminds me of Lynette. I can never want Lynette again because I want her to stay with her community, and I want nothing to do with them. 雫 has her life way more together than Lynette does though. She isn't suffering in pain. She has her energy but she isn't suffering. She is what I always wanted for Lynette.
"But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?"
But I left Lynette. Am I free from that, or am I still tied to this desire? What does it mean?
"I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal"
Is this just my animal nature drawing me to her, or is there something more. Is there meaning to be derived in caring about her? Is there something for me in this?
"There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with
Money, money, money"
I keep trying to focus on the business. I tell 雫 "I am going to make you a business partner in my mind. You are going to be my partner, and that is what you are going to mean to me. That will be it."
"But it gets bigger 'til your hopes is always
Running, running, running"
My desire for meaning just isn't content with this. It wants more and more, and I feel more and more she wants nothing to do with me. I feel she must have me muted by now.
I knew Lynette barely read what I wrote. I think 雫 must have me muted entirely. My desire has grown to big, and it seems her hopes are too far from me. There is no connection.
"In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong"
But I see it. I see someone who is so amazing. I saw how Lynette was with the truth. I saw how strong she could be. I feel 雫 is the same. I feel she is the same with the truth. I want her to tell me I am wrong. I don't want to assume anything.
"And now I'm pulling your disguise up"
But I saw something. I saw how she keeps herself well. I saw how she stays strong. I felt she could never be broken. I felt she could never be hurt. I felt it was so wrong. I do break for people even if I am well, I will break for people I felt she could not, so I blocked her.
She posted a photo just before I blocked her, and she had
. It was just like when I blocked Lynette. Maybe Lynette never made the sign. Maybe my maybe is wrong."Are you free or are you tied up?"
Maybe she's not free. Maybe she isn't choosing this lifestyle. Maybe she's tied to it. Maybe she's not free. She wrote about taking up her lifestyle because she wanted to be free. If this is the freedom she wants, then it is a disguise. I don't know.
"I change shapes just to hide in this place
But I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal"
I don't know what to do. I can go back, but I don't know how much meaning there is for me there. I think I must be muted. Can I really live my whole life in this way? Is there anywhere else for me to go? Maybe I am bound to this. Maybe I am bound to it.
It feels like my fate. Is it this, or is it the balance I am simply use to having? I just wish she would tell me that I am wrong. Surely she shows me I am wrong, but that's what everyone said about Lynette too. Well I suppose Lynette was right in the end though, so 雫 is right as well, but 雫 never told me to leave her alone. Lynette did. 雫 is just ignoring me because well I am nobody.
I can change who I am. I can be whoever, but that doesn't mean I could ever be someone to her. Free or bound, she either won't have the desire or I will never have the power. Can I really live my entire life like this and never know? Do I really know any other way to live?
If I go back, let me at least go back different. If not to live for the sake of romanticism, then for what sake do I live? I don't know, but I should not suppose to find reason to live here. That is true, so I will go back looking for reason to live there. Maybe I will find something that will take me away from her again. That will be fine. I just need to go somewhere.
Nah
. I changed my mind. I still block her , but I am glad I followed the song for awhile regardless. It made me feel peace letting go of the secret .
