Someone in my country is being charged because they sold SN. I have been unable to find a single source despite looking frantically this entire winter. I am so desperate to be done with this life. I have tried PSH and either had the wrong rope or just didn't know what I was doing (maybe did the knot wrong?) because I couldn't get the noose to tighten easily or enough. I even went to the hospital for help. The "help" available near me is pretty useless though.
I'm on meds that make me feel awful, see a therapist every 2 weeks but feel like I manage to waste every appointment not getting anywhere, and I'm off work trying to get meds figured out but I can tell my partner is bothered by me not working. He asked me yesterday if I've been applying to jobs. I was kinda shocked by that. I'm on disability leave by the way, not unemployed! I am being paid right now. So the fact he is bothered upsets me a lot. I have significant savings as well. So does he only care because he thinks I "should" have a job? I am in a very privileged position financially yet feel immense guilt about not working.
This winter I spent months so incredibly angry every single day, because I should be allowed to kill myself, and I shouldn't have to go through immense pain to do so. Why can't there be ways for truly suicidal people to access pain-free methods? Why is the last gift the world gives us, the gift of suffering and pain? We know of ways to let people die peacefully, yet we don't allow people to access them? That is so fucked up.
My brain wasn't built for this world. I have been suicidal since I was 11/12 and learned that people can kill themselves. I was heavily bullied in elementary school and dropped out of high school. Growing up I suffered from OCD from a young age and severe anxiety. I was the "gifted kid" who disappointed everyone, never lived up to expectations, and eventually dropped out. Growing up I was constantly told all the things I would fail at, my grade 8 teacher told me I would fail high school (hey she was right!), my parents told me I would go nowhere in life if I didn't turn things around. I spent my 15th birthday in the youth psych ward at the hospital right after being diagnosed with anorexia. I never understood why I had all these issues, so many disorders that only affect 1-2% of the population, yet I have them all. Finally a couple years ago I got diagnosed with autism. I still haven't really accepted this. It means none of the major issues I face day to day are going to get better. Sensory issues are not something I will grow out of. Social struggles will continue to plague me my entire life. And the worst part? Human connection is the entire point of life. Yet I suck at it and have way too much social anxiety to really enjoy the company of others. Drinking was the magic cure to this, but now I can't drink because I became a severe alcoholic at 19. I don't know how to "be myself" whatever the fuck that means. I don't know who I am other than I do not like myself at all. I hate myself deeply to my core. I cannot do anything right. Every day I fuck up so much. I dread working on my hobbies because I often make massive mistakes, which often costs more money to fix.
Sorry this has turned into a rant. Today has been a very hard day and it's only 9:30 am. I woke up upset that I woke up. I was supposed to go out today but I'm not going. I'm so angry I just want to hurt myself so badly. I keep hitting myself and biting myself. I wish I could just kill myself. It's so unfair how hard they make it. We have easy ways to do it, but they've been banned. It's fucked.
Just let me die already. I've been suffering for 15++ years. I used to think it would get better. I have no such delusions anymore. Last year I reached my biggest goal in life and it didn't make me any less suicidal. We got a big "qualify of life upgrade" yet I still don't feel like I have any quality of life. I hate being autistic. I know that's taboo to say nowadays, but it fucking sucks and is the root to 99% of my problems. I have very few social connections and no friends in my city because I don't know how to keep friends. I can make them sort of, but the moment we don't have a reason forcing us to get together (coworker, roommate, classmate, etc) I just fuck it all up. I can't text, which is most people's preferred method of communication, so that alone fucks me up really bad. At least when I was drunk every day I could text anyone I wanted.
Anyways that got really long and off topic. Sorry. I just needed to rant. Back to trying to find a source… wish me luck
I'm on meds that make me feel awful, see a therapist every 2 weeks but feel like I manage to waste every appointment not getting anywhere, and I'm off work trying to get meds figured out but I can tell my partner is bothered by me not working. He asked me yesterday if I've been applying to jobs. I was kinda shocked by that. I'm on disability leave by the way, not unemployed! I am being paid right now. So the fact he is bothered upsets me a lot. I have significant savings as well. So does he only care because he thinks I "should" have a job? I am in a very privileged position financially yet feel immense guilt about not working.
This winter I spent months so incredibly angry every single day, because I should be allowed to kill myself, and I shouldn't have to go through immense pain to do so. Why can't there be ways for truly suicidal people to access pain-free methods? Why is the last gift the world gives us, the gift of suffering and pain? We know of ways to let people die peacefully, yet we don't allow people to access them? That is so fucked up.
My brain wasn't built for this world. I have been suicidal since I was 11/12 and learned that people can kill themselves. I was heavily bullied in elementary school and dropped out of high school. Growing up I suffered from OCD from a young age and severe anxiety. I was the "gifted kid" who disappointed everyone, never lived up to expectations, and eventually dropped out. Growing up I was constantly told all the things I would fail at, my grade 8 teacher told me I would fail high school (hey she was right!), my parents told me I would go nowhere in life if I didn't turn things around. I spent my 15th birthday in the youth psych ward at the hospital right after being diagnosed with anorexia. I never understood why I had all these issues, so many disorders that only affect 1-2% of the population, yet I have them all. Finally a couple years ago I got diagnosed with autism. I still haven't really accepted this. It means none of the major issues I face day to day are going to get better. Sensory issues are not something I will grow out of. Social struggles will continue to plague me my entire life. And the worst part? Human connection is the entire point of life. Yet I suck at it and have way too much social anxiety to really enjoy the company of others. Drinking was the magic cure to this, but now I can't drink because I became a severe alcoholic at 19. I don't know how to "be myself" whatever the fuck that means. I don't know who I am other than I do not like myself at all. I hate myself deeply to my core. I cannot do anything right. Every day I fuck up so much. I dread working on my hobbies because I often make massive mistakes, which often costs more money to fix.
Sorry this has turned into a rant. Today has been a very hard day and it's only 9:30 am. I woke up upset that I woke up. I was supposed to go out today but I'm not going. I'm so angry I just want to hurt myself so badly. I keep hitting myself and biting myself. I wish I could just kill myself. It's so unfair how hard they make it. We have easy ways to do it, but they've been banned. It's fucked.
Just let me die already. I've been suffering for 15++ years. I used to think it would get better. I have no such delusions anymore. Last year I reached my biggest goal in life and it didn't make me any less suicidal. We got a big "qualify of life upgrade" yet I still don't feel like I have any quality of life. I hate being autistic. I know that's taboo to say nowadays, but it fucking sucks and is the root to 99% of my problems. I have very few social connections and no friends in my city because I don't know how to keep friends. I can make them sort of, but the moment we don't have a reason forcing us to get together (coworker, roommate, classmate, etc) I just fuck it all up. I can't text, which is most people's preferred method of communication, so that alone fucks me up really bad. At least when I was drunk every day I could text anyone I wanted.
Anyways that got really long and off topic. Sorry. I just needed to rant. Back to trying to find a source… wish me luck
