monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 38
i don't know what people do with their anger. i just want to self harm or to punch someone, or to thrash around in my room and start banging my head on the walls. i can't hurt people, i can't hurt myself, and it's too hot to go outside again. i hate the summer because i feel like i can't get away from the house unless i'm hooking up with someone (i can't drive so i can't go anywhere on my own) or aimlessly walking around my neighborhood. i feel like i'm in limbo, but my friends don't really get it. i spend all my time at home and i have no motivation to do any of my hobbies. i barely see a point in doing much of anything. i feel like i'm just alive for the sake of being alive. i'm jealous of my friends who have things that fill their time and of my best friend who moved away. i spend all my time being jealous and hating people. i don't know how people have the motivationt to do anything. i really just want to do what i'm told, but college has no real structure. i could spend my whole day lying in bed and still be "going to college", even if it's just a community college. i don't want to be around anymore, but if i tell people i want to kill myself, they just worry about me and act nice to me.
all my friends are nice to me but i don't feel close with any of them, since i barely talk to them. i think that my best friend who i text to every morning could always replace me with someone that goes to his college. i'm just floating through my life. i feel like i'm one of those people that'll never amount to anything, but people will try to come up with something positive to say about me when i eventually die. i always seem to be the most mediocre or forgettable person in every group, even to the people that know me. do you think that there's just worthless people in the world, or can someone still have worth if no one cares about them? if i say i want to kill myself, i'm attention seeking, but if i stay alive and unmotivated then i'm just lazy and sad to be around. i know that i've always been less than my peers. if someone were to say that to me, i'd probably find it grating and self-pitying, but for some reason i think it's true for me. i want to do something destructive as a cry for help because it would make me feel important and wanted, but that would mean hurting myself or giving myself some or of organ damage. nothing i'm going through is actually "real", so no one can see it. if i got in a car crash or got beaten up by somebody on the street, then people would finally have a reason to pay attention to me.
all my friends are nice to me but i don't feel close with any of them, since i barely talk to them. i think that my best friend who i text to every morning could always replace me with someone that goes to his college. i'm just floating through my life. i feel like i'm one of those people that'll never amount to anything, but people will try to come up with something positive to say about me when i eventually die. i always seem to be the most mediocre or forgettable person in every group, even to the people that know me. do you think that there's just worthless people in the world, or can someone still have worth if no one cares about them? if i say i want to kill myself, i'm attention seeking, but if i stay alive and unmotivated then i'm just lazy and sad to be around. i know that i've always been less than my peers. if someone were to say that to me, i'd probably find it grating and self-pitying, but for some reason i think it's true for me. i want to do something destructive as a cry for help because it would make me feel important and wanted, but that would mean hurting myself or giving myself some or of organ damage. nothing i'm going through is actually "real", so no one can see it. if i got in a car crash or got beaten up by somebody on the street, then people would finally have a reason to pay attention to me.
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